I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing
anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each
other?
There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are
going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
"If you Will" what does that Mean ?
& What if I Won't ?
Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I
hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed
for pedophiles...
How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and
smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think
about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own
story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.
Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize
you're wrong.
My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would
happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?
I wonder if cops ever get p'd off at the fact that everyone they
drive behind obeys the speed limit.
I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or
Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to
have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks
when they've invented the lighter?
Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're
going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be
going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction
from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch
or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that
no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching
directions on the sidewalk.
Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't
work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix
the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to
fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just
figured it out. Today's kids are soft.
There is a great need for sarcasm font.
The other night I hit a new low at an open bar. I had already hopped on
highway blackout when, inevitably I had to find a bathroom. Eventually I
decided it was probably on the other side of the bar so I tried to walk
over there, but ran into a guy coming the other way. We played that, Both
go left, Both go right game to no avail, so I finally put out my hand to
guide myself past and that's is when I realized, yup, that's a mirror I
just tried to walk through. And the guy on the other side is me. Even cats
can re cognize their own image.
I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than
take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your
computer history if you die.
The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to
finish a text.
A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the
spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
Was learning cursive really necessary?
I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and
hunger.
Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in'
examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot.
Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes
that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"
MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I
know how to get out of my neighborhood.
Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the
person died.
I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the
shower first and THEN turn on the water.
I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
Bad decisions make good stories
Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their
profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the
Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!
Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every
year?
If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would
probably just be completely invisible.
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work
when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything
productive for the rest of the day.
Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want
to have to restart my collection.
I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if
I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did
not make any changes to.
"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.
While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China
and USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when
Chinese athletes don't win, they are executed.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she
hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet
stalking.
Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not
know what time it is.
It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I
find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the
fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.
anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each
other?
There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are
going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
"If you Will" what does that Mean ?
& What if I Won't ?
Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I
hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed
for pedophiles...
How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and
smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think
about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own
story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.
Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize
you're wrong.
My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would
happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?
I wonder if cops ever get p'd off at the fact that everyone they
drive behind obeys the speed limit.
I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or
Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to
have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks
when they've invented the lighter?
Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're
going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be
going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction
from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch
or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that
no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching
directions on the sidewalk.
Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't
work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix
the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to
fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just
figured it out. Today's kids are soft.
There is a great need for sarcasm font.
The other night I hit a new low at an open bar. I had already hopped on
highway blackout when, inevitably I had to find a bathroom. Eventually I
decided it was probably on the other side of the bar so I tried to walk
over there, but ran into a guy coming the other way. We played that, Both
go left, Both go right game to no avail, so I finally put out my hand to
guide myself past and that's is when I realized, yup, that's a mirror I
just tried to walk through. And the guy on the other side is me. Even cats
can re cognize their own image.
I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than
take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your
computer history if you die.
The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to
finish a text.
A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the
spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
Was learning cursive really necessary?
I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and
hunger.
Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in'
examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot.
Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes
that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"
MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I
know how to get out of my neighborhood.
Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the
person died.
I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the
shower first and THEN turn on the water.
I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
Bad decisions make good stories
Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their
profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the
Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!
Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every
year?
If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would
probably just be completely invisible.
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work
when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything
productive for the rest of the day.
Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want
to have to restart my collection.
I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if
I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did
not make any changes to.
"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.
While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China
and USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when
Chinese athletes don't win, they are executed.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she
hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet
stalking.
Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not
know what time it is.
It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I
find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the
fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.
Some good ones there.
Also, just realized I posted to something over 5 years old...still funny!
