Smokin Joe
Tenderfoot
- Jul 29, 2006
- 6
- 0
> > Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a
> >chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment
> >and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
> >directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
> >assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't
> >be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer
> >during the tasting, so I accepted".
> >
> >
> > Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
> >
> >
> > CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
> >
> > Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
> >
> > Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
> >
> > Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You
> >could remove dried paint from your driveway Took me two beers to put
> >the flames out. I hope that's the worst one These Texans are crazy.
> >
> >
> > CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
> >
> > Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
> >
> > Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
> >seriously.
> >
> > Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
> >what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people
> >who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more
> >beer when they saw the look on my face.
> >
> >
> > CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
> >
> > Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
> >
> > Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
> >
> > Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
> >feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
> >now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back,
> >now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced
> >from all of the beer
> >
> >
> > CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
> >
> > Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
> >Disappointing.
> >
> > Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
> >fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
> >
> > Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
> >unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
> >beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman
> >is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
> >chili an aphrodisiac?
> >
> >
> >
> > CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
> >
> > Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
> >adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
> >
> > Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
> >Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
> >
> > Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
> >forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people
> >behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told
> >her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
> >bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
> >I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges
> >asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
> >
> >
> > CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
> >
> > Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance
> >of spices and peppers.
> >
> > Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
> >garlic. Superb.
> >
> > Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
> >gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried
> >it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
> >except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass
> >with a snow cone.
> >
> >
> > CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
> >
> > Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
> >peppers.
> >
> > Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a
> >can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
> >worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
> >cursing uncontrollably.
> >
> > Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin,
> >and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
> >sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili,
> >which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match
> >my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
> >decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
> >any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
> >4-inch hole in my stomach.
> >
> >
> > CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
> >
> > Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not
> >too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
> >
> > Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither
> >mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3
> >farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
> >himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd
> >have reacted to really hot chili?
> >
> > Judge # 3 - No Report
> >chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment
> >and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
> >directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
> >assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't
> >be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer
> >during the tasting, so I accepted".
> >
> >
> > Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
> >
> >
> > CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
> >
> > Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
> >
> > Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
> >
> > Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You
> >could remove dried paint from your driveway Took me two beers to put
> >the flames out. I hope that's the worst one These Texans are crazy.
> >
> >
> > CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
> >
> > Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
> >
> > Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
> >seriously.
> >
> > Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
> >what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people
> >who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more
> >beer when they saw the look on my face.
> >
> >
> > CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
> >
> > Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
> >
> > Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
> >
> > Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
> >feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
> >now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back,
> >now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced
> >from all of the beer
> >
> >
> > CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
> >
> > Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
> >Disappointing.
> >
> > Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
> >fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
> >
> > Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
> >unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
> >beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman
> >is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
> >chili an aphrodisiac?
> >
> >
> >
> > CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
> >
> > Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
> >adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
> >
> > Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
> >Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
> >
> > Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
> >forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people
> >behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told
> >her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
> >bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
> >I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges
> >asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
> >
> >
> > CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
> >
> > Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance
> >of spices and peppers.
> >
> > Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
> >garlic. Superb.
> >
> > Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
> >gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried
> >it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
> >except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass
> >with a snow cone.
> >
> >
> > CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
> >
> > Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
> >peppers.
> >
> > Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a
> >can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
> >worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
> >cursing uncontrollably.
> >
> > Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin,
> >and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
> >sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili,
> >which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match
> >my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
> >decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
> >any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
> >4-inch hole in my stomach.
> >
> >
> > CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
> >
> > Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not
> >too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
> >
> > Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither
> >mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3
> >farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
> >himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd
> >have reacted to really hot chili?
> >
> > Judge # 3 - No Report
From 1 Joe to another, Excellent!! 8)
