If Santa answered his mail honestly....

[kieser sousa/rip]

Deer Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy
all yeer.

Yer Friend,
Billy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawncare. How
about
I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your
older
brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell.
Santa
*****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for
is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like
for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can
do.
Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a
hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your
frigid mom, who rides his a$$ constantly? It's time to give up that
dream. Let me send you some Legos instead.
Santa
****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a
dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid 'Francis' nowadays. I bet you're gay. I'll
set you
up with a Barbie.
Santa
****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left
carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the $hits and carrots make the deer fart in my face
when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle
of
Scotch.
Santa

****************************************************
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy
making
toys?
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I
spend
most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking
myself
silly and squeezing the a$$es of cocktail waitresses while losing
money at
the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa
****************************************************
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're
awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm
skipping your house.
Santa
****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE,
PLEASE could I have one?
Love, Timmy

Dear Timmy,
That whiney begging Shit may work with your folks, but that
crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa

****************************************************
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our
home?
Love, Marky

Dear Mark,
First stop calling yourself 'Marky', that's why you're getting
your a$$ whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you
live in a
low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the
boogeyman
does, through your bedroom window.
Sweet dreams,
Santa

 

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