Top 10 Things I Hate About Star Trek

Mental Granny

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Top 10 Things I Hate About Star Trek

10. Noisy doors.
You can't walk three feet in a starship without some door whooshing or screeching at you. Elevators nowdays has automatic sliding doors. They're dead silent. If those doors went "wheet!" every time a person walked through them, about once a month some guy in accounting would snap and go on a shooting rampage. Sorry Scotty, the IEEE has revoked your membership until you learn to master WD-40


9. The Federation.
This organization creeps me out. A planet-wide government that runs everything, and that has abolished money. A veritable planetary DMV. Oh sure, it looks like a cool place when you're rocketing around in a Federation Starship, but I wonder how the guy driving a Federation dump truck feels about it?


And everyone has to wear those spandex uniforms. Here's an important fact: Most people, you don't want to see them in spandex. You'd pay good money to not have to see them. If money hadn't been abolished, that is. So you're screwed.


8. Reversing the Polarity.
For cripes sake Giordi, stop reversing the polarity of everything! It might work once in a while, but usually it just screws things up. I have it on good authority that the technicians at Starbase 12 HATE that. Every time the Enterprise comes in for its 10,000 hour checkup, they've gotta go through the whole damned ship fixing stuff. "What happened to the toilet in Stateroom 3?" "Well, the plumbing backed up, and Giordi thought he could fix it by reversing the polarity."


Between Scotty's poor lubrication habits and Geordi's damned polarity reversing trick, it's a wonder the Enterprise doesn't just spontaneously explode whenever they put the juice to it.


7. Seatbelts.
Yeah, I know this one is overdone, but you'd think that the first time an explosion caused the guy at the nav station to fly over the captain's head with a good 8 feet of clearance, someone would say, "You know, we might think of inventing some furutistic restraining device to prevent that from happening." So of course, they did make something like that for the second Enterprise (the first one blew up due to poor lubrication), but what was it? A hard plastic thing that's locked over your thighs. Oh, I'll bet THAT feels good in the corners. "Hey look! The leg-bars worked as advertised! There goes Kirk's torso!"


6. No fuses.
Every time there's a power surge on the Enterprise the various stations and consoles explode in a shower of sparks and throw their seatbelt-less operators over Picard's head. If we could get Giordi to stop reversing the polarity for a minute, we could get him to go shopping at the nearest Starship parts store and pick up a few fuses. And while he's shopping, he could stop at an intergalactic IKEA and pick up a few chairs for the bridge personnel. If you're going to put me in front of a fuseless exploding console all day, the least you could do is let me sit down.



5. Rule by committee.
Here's the difference between Star Trek and the best SF show on TV last year:

Star Trek:

Picard: "Arm photon torpedoes!"
Riker: "Captain! Are you sure that's wise?"
Troi: "Captain! I'm picking up conflicting feelings about this! And, it appears that you're a 'fraidy cat."
Wesley: "Captain, I'm just an annoying punk, but I thought I should say something."
Worf: "Captain, can I push the button? This is giving me a big Klingon warrior chubby."
Giordi: "Captain, I think we should reverse the polarity on them first."
Picard: "I'm so confused. I'm going to go to my stateroom and look
pensive."


Firefly:

Captain: "Let's shoot them."
Crewman: "Are you sure that's wise?"
Captain: "Do you know what the chain of command is? It's the chain I'll BEAT YOU WITH until you realize who's in command."
Crewman: "Aye Aye, sir!"


4. A Star Trek quiz:
Kirk, Spock, McCoy, and 'Ensign Gomez' beam down to a planet. Which one isn't coming back?


3. Technobabble.
The other night, I couldn't get my car to start. I solved the problem by reversing the polarity of the car battery, and routing the power through my satellite dish. The resulting subspace plasma caused a rift in the space-time continuum, which created a quantum tunnelling effect that charged the protons in the engine core, thus starting my car. Child's play, really. As a happy side-effect, I also now get the Spice Channel for free.


2. The Holodeck.
I mean, it's cool and all. But do you really believe that people would use it to re-create Sherlock Holmes mysteries and old-west saloons? Come on, we all know what the holodeck would be used for. And we also know what the worst job on the Enterprise would be: Having to squeegie the holodeck clean.


1. The Prime Directive.
How stupid is this? Remember when Marvin the Martian was going to blow up the Earth, because it obstructed his view of Venus? And how Bugs Bunny stopped him by stealing the Illudium Q36 Space Modulator? Well, in the Star Trek universe, Bugs would be doing time. Probably in a room filled with Roseanne lookalikes wearing spandex uniforms, walking through doors going WHEET! all day. It would be hell. At least until the Kaboom. The Earth-shattering Kaboom.
 

bakergeol

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I always wondered this. If they have abolished money do the crew members volunteer for those 5 year missions without pay?


George
 

mastereagle22

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MG you and I are about to be on fightin terms, you stop picking on Star Trek RIGHT NOW (said stamping feet). ::) ;) :) :D ;D

Yeah reversing the polarity usually only works on DC circuits and with limited results. If you have the wrong components in the circuit watch out!

You do often wonder how things spark and sputter and splode and you never see burning or charring on any of the surfaces. Also the uniforms never catch on fire.

Yeah about the only one on the show that used the Holodeck in any realistic way was Barclay and that was to fantasize that he was normal and counselor Troi liked him. (get real in the real world you would have to book your Holodeck MONTHS in advance)

Doors are funny when they make the noise. I often wondered why they need to make the noise. As you said our Elevator doors are silent.
 

stoney56

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Be careful there ME, I see you're wearing a red shirt. ;) We can always beam you into East St. Louis. ;D

I remember others using the holodeck for positive purposes. Warf giving Quark Bat'leht lessons was one.

As for the doors, the noise in reality was a cue for the guy pulling the rope to open and close (like curtains) since he couldn't see when they were at the door.
 

mastereagle22

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stoney56 said:
Be careful there ME, I see you're wearing a red shirt. ;) We can always beam you into East St. Louis. ;D

I remember others using the holodeck for positive purposes. Warf giving Quark Bat'leht lessons was one.

As for the doors, the noise in reality was a cue for the guy pulling the rope to open and close (like curtains) since he couldn't see when they were at the door.

Nope blue shirt today, just as bad. Drove into E. St. Louis on accident once, never again. NEVER I tell ya!!!

Sorry didn't know anyone else but me watched DS9.

Yeah I realize that is why they had the noise. I have seen blooper reals where the doors don't open and people walk into them, funny stuff...

I LOVE Star Trek more than detecting! I have Ships and stuff in my office at home. My throw on my couch is a Next Gen Enterprise D in combat with a couple (3) birds of prey. Love Star Trek!!!
 

stoney56

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I have all the Star Trek Hallmark ornaments but 2. One is the original Enterprise (didn't know they were out till too late. The other was a handblown glass of Warf (thought it was too ugly even for a Klingon). ;D The shuttlecraft Galileo has a couple of small bulb streak burns from the Christmas tree-looks like phaser burns.

I'll send you some links later of some new episodes later made by some private sector fans. You can download and view them or copy to DVD's. They run about 30 min to an hour.
 

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Mental Granny

Mental Granny

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OK! OK! OK! We both are Star Trek fans! Any time I see stuff if I can get it for Jeff I do, as soon as the ornaments book comes out each year I get one ck. to see what they have, then when they come out in lay-a-way they go!
TV guides if the have it, I just wish I had gone in to HM the year before and he would have all expect the glass one.

I guess Sun. I was thinking how unfair it was I didn't feel good and I am in the kitchen fixin food to take to daughter for Super Bowl (Jeff did help quite a bit) and while I am in the kitchen they had a Enterprise marathon on!

Where did you get a throw with Star Trek on it? ;D
 

mastereagle22

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Right after marrying my wife her parents went to Vegas to the Star Trek Experience at the Hilton. Brought me the throw and a Alpha Shield shaped candy dish. Still have both. Right now I am looking at The NX-01, The Defiant, The Latest Movie Enterprise and my desk lamp is a 1701 from the original show! Not to count the twenty or so micro machines that I have as well as the Die casts from BSG and I got a Tardis Bank for Christmas. I got the three Nacelle Enterpirse this year after Christmas for $8.00! 75% off original price.

Oh yeah I love Vader too,even though he isn't Trek! ( I hate wireless keyboards had to correct seven different typos due to the one I have right now!!)
 

hollowpointred

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dont forget that captain Kirk was the horniest bastard in the universe! :D green, twelve eyes, shape shifters,girls with horns............no problem! ;D
 

bomber

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if you go to the vegas hilton try the"Warp Core" drink its wicked and i've got The Battle of Narinda Five hanging in my office.............still have the matches from QUARKS in Vegas
 

mastereagle22

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Don't think I will ever get to Vegas. Had a chance to go in October cheap but the wife didn't want to go because she has already been there. So maybe in my next life! :-[ :-X :'( :(
 

bomber

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we're not much into gambling,my sweety won a contest for that circus de solie thing :P,but the people watching :o :o :o :o,have ya seen the ads for the new flic?they show the enterprise being built at area 51
 

mastereagle22

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I have seen a picture but not sure about the "where" thing. A LOT of speculation going on about it. I am going on opening day like I have all the others no matter what!

Scifi has been running Enterprise lately. I miss not having Trek on TV. They were just getting back on track with Enterprise when they took it off the air. Bring back Trek!!!!!!
 

bomber

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wasn't a big enterprise fan voyager's kind of dull,ever watch babylon 5? GREAT story lines,espcially season 3(shadow war)
 

stoney56

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bakergeol said:
I always wondered this. If they have abolished money do the crew members volunteer for those 5 year missions without pay?


George

They didn't have money but they did have what they called credits. Cyrano mentioned them in "Trouble With Tribbles". It also turned out that in their universe, gold was worthless as a currency on earth. :(
 

mastereagle22

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Yes but we always have Gold Pressed Latinum. I always found it odd that on NEXT GEN they played poker a lot. What were they betting with? A chip that has no financial backing would have what value???
 

stoney56

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Latinum was actually a liquid if not mistaken. Remember when Quark was beneficiery to Morn's estate. Morn turned out to be still alive and had the latinum in his 2nd stomach?
Maybe the chips were exchanged for credits and used in Quark's holodeck. LOL
 

bomber

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loser in the poker game had to clean the holodeck with just one square and none to spare
 

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