S
stefen
Guest
Its time that parents evaulate their responsibility for their teenage children and any potential dating topics that are currently being bandied about.
A while back, the following, if not humouous dating contract was devised on Treasure Net. Although I cannot recall who originally provided the draft, you will find that there are numerous valid feelings between father & daughter which transponds to any pimple-faced, draft-dodging, beer drinking pimple-faced (I already said that) post pubescent, touchy-feely kid that wants to date said daughter.
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
NOTE This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your family doctor.
PERSONAL INFORMATION
Name_____________________________________, Date Of Birth________________
Height___________ Weight____________ IQ___________ GPA________________
Social Security _________________________ Drivers License __________________
Boy Scout Rank And Badges______________________________________________
Home Address_______________________ City/State___________ Zip___________
Home Phone___________________ Cell Phone________________E-mail_________
Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No If No, explain: ______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
Number of years parents have been married __________________________________
If married at or less than your age, explain
_____________________________________________________________________
ACCESSORIES SECTION
A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No
B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No
C. A waterbed? __Yes __No
D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No
E. A tattoo? __Yes __No
F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?
(If you answered 'yes' to any of the above, discontinue application and leave premises immediately. (I suggest running.)
ESSAY SECTION (Completion Required)
In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
REFERENCES SECTION
Church or Synagogue you attend _________________________________________________ __
How often you attend ________________________________________________
When would be the best time to interview your:
Father _____________
Mother _____________
Pastor/Rabbi _____________
SHORT-ANSWER SECTION (Completion also required)
Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.
A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:
________________________________________________________________
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
________________________________________________________________
C: A woman's place is in the:
________________________________________________________________
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
________________________________________________________________
E. What do you want to be IF you grow up? ________________________________________________________________
F: When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:
________________________________________________________________
G: What is the current going rate of a hotel room? ________________________________________________________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER BOARDING and RED HOT POKERS
______________________________________________________________________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron)
_______________________________ ____________________________________
Mother's Signature Father's Signature
_______________________________ ____________________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman
_______________________________ (Their stamp goes here )
Notary Public
Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing.
You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write. If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (You might watch your back)
To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating, Daddy's (or Mommy's) Rules for Dating
Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy):
Rule One
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'EARLY.'
Rule Six
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool, places where there is darkness, places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies that feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay...Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you, to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine
A while back, the following, if not humouous dating contract was devised on Treasure Net. Although I cannot recall who originally provided the draft, you will find that there are numerous valid feelings between father & daughter which transponds to any pimple-faced, draft-dodging, beer drinking pimple-faced (I already said that) post pubescent, touchy-feely kid that wants to date said daughter.
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
NOTE This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your family doctor.
PERSONAL INFORMATION
Name_____________________________________, Date Of Birth________________
Height___________ Weight____________ IQ___________ GPA________________
Social Security _________________________ Drivers License __________________
Boy Scout Rank And Badges______________________________________________
Home Address_______________________ City/State___________ Zip___________
Home Phone___________________ Cell Phone________________E-mail_________
Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No If No, explain: ______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
Number of years parents have been married __________________________________
If married at or less than your age, explain
_____________________________________________________________________
ACCESSORIES SECTION
A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No
B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No
C. A waterbed? __Yes __No
D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No
E. A tattoo? __Yes __No
F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?
(If you answered 'yes' to any of the above, discontinue application and leave premises immediately. (I suggest running.)
ESSAY SECTION (Completion Required)
In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
REFERENCES SECTION
Church or Synagogue you attend _________________________________________________ __
How often you attend ________________________________________________
When would be the best time to interview your:
Father _____________
Mother _____________
Pastor/Rabbi _____________
SHORT-ANSWER SECTION (Completion also required)
Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.
A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:
________________________________________________________________
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
________________________________________________________________
C: A woman's place is in the:
________________________________________________________________
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
________________________________________________________________
E. What do you want to be IF you grow up? ________________________________________________________________
F: When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:
________________________________________________________________
G: What is the current going rate of a hotel room? ________________________________________________________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER BOARDING and RED HOT POKERS
______________________________________________________________________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron)
_______________________________ ____________________________________
Mother's Signature Father's Signature
_______________________________ ____________________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman
_______________________________ (Their stamp goes here )
Notary Public
Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing.
You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write. If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (You might watch your back)
To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating, Daddy's (or Mommy's) Rules for Dating
Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy):
Rule One
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'EARLY.'
Rule Six
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool, places where there is darkness, places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies that feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay...Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you, to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine
Ivan 
me kinsey research. and Have a lot allen
