New Mexico Chili Cook-off

Ray S S

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Nov 18, 2007
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Port Huron, Mi.
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Here is a spicy little story that I received in an email today. By the time I was half-way through it, I was laughing
so much it was hard to read. It was so good that I just have to share it on here.

(Important note) Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges,
the reaction of the third judge is even better.

For those of you who have lived in New Mexico, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off
about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza.
Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, Il.

Frank: Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off....The original person called in sick
at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors
Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges ( Native New Mexicans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted
and became Judge #3.

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI #1--MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge #1--A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2--Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge #3--(Frank)--Holy moley, what the heck is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway.
Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.

CHILI #2--EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge #1--Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno Tang.
Judge #2--Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge #3--Keep this out of reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to
wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they
saw the look on my face.

CHILI #3--ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge #1--Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge #2--A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge #3--Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like i've been snorting Drano. Everyone
knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone
is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting red-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI #4--BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge #1--Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge #2--Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge #3--I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out
your taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting
to look HOT...Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI #5--LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge #1--Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge #2Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a
strong statement.
Judge #3--My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted,
and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from
the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming.

CHILI #6--VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge #1--Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge #2--The best yet, Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge #3-- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself
when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI #7--SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge #1-- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge #2--Ho-hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.**I should
take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge #3--You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing.. I've lost sight in one
eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed
out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what
killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I
need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI #8--BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge #1-- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.
Judge #2--This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost
when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's
going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge #3--No report.
 

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Ray S S

Ray S S

Silver Member
Nov 18, 2007
3,011
59
Port Huron, Mi.
Detector(s) used
Freedom Ace Coin Commander and Ace 250
Hello, dpitt8, I hope it doesn't get you in trouble by laughing. It definitely is a funny one. Thanks for you reply

Ray
 

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Ray S S

Ray S S

Silver Member
Nov 18, 2007
3,011
59
Port Huron, Mi.
Detector(s) used
Freedom Ace Coin Commander and Ace 250
Soupie you should have seen me trying to type it up. That was kind of tricky with laughing. I kept losing my place
and have to retype a word or two. LOL.

Ray
 

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