Lamars Hysterically Funny View on Marriage
Welcome guest, is this your first visit?
Member
Discoveries
 
Page 1 of 4 123 ... LastLast
Results 1 to 15 of 58
  1. #1

    Aug 2004
    1,341
    39 times

    Lamar's Hysterically Funny View on Marriage

    Dear;
    It's now time for some cold, harsh reality. Lets say you are about to get married. In my very humble opinion, if you truly wished for a celibate lifestyle, becoming a Catholic priest would probably be much more spiritually rewarding for you in the long run. In fact my personal view towards ensuring that Catholic priests stick to a celibate lifestyle would be to force them to marry, at gunpoint if necessary. Aside from castration, this is quite possibly the most reliable method of ensuring a celibate state in one's life. However, you've decided to get married, therefore you should know about certain things before you make the big commitment.

    First, you won't be the boss. You won't even be a part of the management team. You will be the LABOR department. Your lovely bride will be the BOSS. Next, your only control over finances will be in the capacity of the EARNER. Whatever you earn will be hers. Likewise, whatever she earns will be hers as well. Get used to this right now. It will save you from a rather nasty surprise further on down the road, my friend.

    Next, your house will no longer be your domain. Your area of control will be moved to the garage/shop area and everywhere that is out of doors. Everything that is indoors becomes hers, especially the bathroom, for some unfathomable reason. Do NOT leave the toilet seat up. Why this is sooooo important to women, I have NO idea! I mean, it's just as easy to put the darned thing down as it is to put it up, so why should anyone care whether it's up or down? Anyway, avoid around this problem by peeing outside. After all, that is a part of your domain, therefore you're allowed.

    If you shave, HIDE YOUR RAZOR! Seriously! Do this. Do it NOW! Start practicing, my friend. Trust me, you do NOT want a razor to touch your face after it's been used to scrape the fur off of a lady's legs, underarms, or the very worst, other unmentionable parts of her body. A man's razor, after being in a woman's hands for 2 minutes, becomes worthless. You will have better luck trying to shave your face with a broken piece of Coke bottle.

    Women go through toilet paper. They go through LOTS of toilet paper! The good ol' days of buying one roll every 6 months like clockwork are soon to be a thing of the past for you my friend. You will need to start buying it at Sam's Club or Costco. It helps to have a full sized pickup truck for when you buy TP. You will be buying a lot of it.

    Always, and I mean ALWAYS, put the darned cap back on the toothpaste tube. Again, it's a great mystery to mankind why women find this to be sooooooooooo important, yet they do. If you forget to put the cap back on the toothpaste, she'll remember it for YEARS!

    Don't use *her* towel. She must be something special and you obviously are not, therefore do not even LOOK at her towel. Use your your grubby old threadbare towel, the one that you used to clean the lawnmower with. You'll be glad that you did.

    To sum up, you will be spending a lifetime with your lovely bride, therefore if I were you, I would not let the chance for a little *alone* time pass you by, my friend. Go to Alaska. Have the time of your life. Call your wife and tell her what a miserable time you are having. Lie through your teeth. Times like those will quite possibly become very precious in the future.
    Your friend;
    LAMAR


  2. #2

    Aug 2004
    1,341
    39 times

    Lamar's Hysterically Funny View on Marriage

    Quote Originally Posted by Redselchie
    Quote Originally Posted by lamar
    What I wrote was OBVIOUSLY meant to be taken HUMOROUSLY, yet the humor just whizzed right over the top of your noggin like a UFO! I don't care who you are, that was some seriously FUNNAY stuff! It was very truthful stuff, yet it was written in a very humorous vein. And as non-humorous as you obviously are, I'd now prefer if you didn't respond to my posts!
    Your friend;
    LAMAR
    I thought it was hilarious, Lamar.

    You forgot about leaving the toliet seat up, however!
    Dear redselchie;
    Ohhh, I included the toilet sea ordeal! I would never forget about something as SERIOUS as THAT! I honestly have no idea why the born-agains have zero sense of humor, which is quite unlike us Catholics. We laugh at EVERYTHING, including ourselves, sacred institutions (such as marriage) our own faith, the faith of others, etc. Perhaps it is because the born-again crowd inherently knows that they aren't going to Heaven and this is why they are always so gloomy?
    Your always laughing friend;
    LAMAR

  3. #3
    NGE
    NGE is offline
    us
    May 2008
    S.E. Michigan
    Etrac, Explorer XS II, Fisher 1266-X
    3,503
    116 times
    metal detecting, fishing, photography

    Re: Lamar's Hysterically Funny View on Marriage

    I thought your post was funny lamar. I am a born again also. And I am not ignorant to some of the funnies you posted. Last week I got my head ripped off and stuffed where the sun doesn't shine. I was at my mother in law's house and did not put the seat back down, she called my wife and told her that she fell in, in the middle of the night, and had a heckuva time getting out and the water was very cold, but I know, it was clean. Couldn't have happened to a better person. I am still giggling at what a site that was. BTW, I have been biblically married going on 33 years, to the same woman......nge
    Exposure to the Son prevents burning

  4. #4
    Felinepeachy

    Re: Lamar's Hysterically Funny View on Marriage

    I was in tears Lamar, funny stuff my friend.


  5. #5

    Aug 2004
    1,341
    39 times

    Re: Lamar's Hysterically Funny View on Marriage

    Quote Originally Posted by Redselchie
    Quote Originally Posted by lamar
    Ohhh, I included the toilet sea ordeal! I would never forget about something as SERIOUS as THAT! I honestly have no idea why the born-agains have zero sense of humor, which is quite unlike us Catholics. We laugh at EVERYTHING, including ourselves, sacred institutions (such as marriage) our own faith, the faith of others, etc. Perhaps it is because the born-again crowd inherently knows that they aren't going to Heaven and this is why they are always so gloomy?
    Your always laughing friend;
    LAMAR
    There it is! I missed it. But you forget about what women have to go through too - such as, never having access to the remote control, having to endure men tooting to popular country songs after meals, leaving socks all over the place, etc. etc. etc.

    Of course it all evens out in the end
    Dear redselchie;
    I would like to address those issues, if I may.

    First, the remote control. Remote controls were designed by men. This is why there are so many buttons on them. Men like to press buttons. We call all of those buttons *features*. We enjoy flipping through the channels, fiddling with the volume, playing around with the PIP feature, etc. Also, men are inherently afraid that if a women were to take charge of the remote control, we will end up watching stuff like "Love Story" and other nauseating chick flicks, to say nothing of the sickening selection of soap operas. Instead, we'd rather watch thing which have some substance to them, like bass fishing programs, home repair and war movies, to say nothing of FOOTBALL!

    Next, clothes strewn about. Women are simplistic creatures by nature, therefore they can only understand basic concepts, like *clean* and *dirty*,. On the other hand, men are much more complex mentally, therefore we realize that there exists various levels of both cleanliness and dirtiness. We would never dream of depositing something in the clothes hamper that a typical woman would deem to as *dirty*. Oh NOOOO! To us, a pair of socks that have been only one time represents a *slightly dirty* condition, which is to state that the item that may be worn again after being aired out for a while. To us, washing a pair of slightly dirty socks is a waste of water and detergent, therefore we have become masters of *self-cleaning* clothing.

    Passing gas. If we don't pass gas we are liable to explode. It's true. This is also why we tend to burp. Women retain water, which is why we need to stop every fifteen minutes when on a trip. Men retain gas the same way, except we don't stop whatever we are doing. We just let it fly! Breaking wind has evolved into a truly manly art form, and if a man is able to let loose of one that consists of at least three notes and has a hang time of 20 seconds, this is truly an impressive feat indeed. Consider it our special way of saying *I love you*.
    Your friend;
    LAMAR

  6. #6
    gb
    May 2008
    uk
    tesoro eldorado, tesoro lobo,goldmaxx xp
    6,186
    56 times
    Banner Finds (4)

    Re: Lamar's Hysterically Funny View on Marriage

    Quote Originally Posted by lamar
    Quote Originally Posted by Redselchie
    Quote Originally Posted by lamar
    Ohhh, I included the toilet sea ordeal! I would never forget about something as SERIOUS as THAT! I honestly have no idea why the born-agains have zero sense of humor, which is quite unlike us Catholics. We laugh at EVERYTHING, including ourselves, sacred institutions (such as marriage) our own faith, the faith of others, etc. Perhaps it is because the born-again crowd inherently knows that they aren't going to Heaven and this is why they are always so gloomy?
    Your always laughing friend;
    LAMAR
    There it is! I missed it. But you forget about what women have to go through too - such as, never having access to the remote control, having to endure men tooting to popular country songs after meals, leaving socks all over the place, etc. etc. etc.

    Of course it all evens out in the end
    Dear redselchie;
    I would like to address those issues, if I may.

    First, the remote control. Remote controls were designed by men. This is why there are so many buttons on them. Men like to press buttons. We call all of those buttons *features*. We enjoy flipping through the channels, fiddling with the volume, playing around with the PIP feature, etc. Also, men are inherently afraid that if a women were to take charge of the remote control, we will end up watching stuff like "Love Story" and other nauseating chick flicks, to say nothing of the sickening selection of soap operas. Instead, we'd rather watch thing which have some substance to them, like bass fishing programs, home repair and war movies, to say nothing of FOOTBALL!

    Next, clothes strewn about. Women are simplistic creatures by nature, therefore they can only understand basic concepts, like *clean* and *dirty*,. On the other hand, men are much more complex mentally, therefore we realize that there exists various levels of both cleanliness and dirtiness. We would never dream of depositing something in the clothes hamper that a typical woman would deem to as *dirty*. Oh NOOOO! To us, a pair of socks that have been only one time represents a *slightly dirty* condition, which is to state that the item that may be worn again after being aired out for a while. To us, washing a pair of slightly dirty socks is a waste of water and detergent, therefore we have become masters of *self-cleaning* clothing.

    Passing gas. If we don't pass gas we are liable to explode. It's true. This is also why we tend to burp. Women retain water, which is why we need to stop every fifteen minutes when on a trip. Men retain gas the same way, except we don't stop whatever we are doing. We just let it fly! Breaking wind has evolved into a truly manly art form, and if a man is able to let loose of one that consists of at least three notes and has a hang time of 20 seconds, this is truly an impressive feat indeed. Consider it our special way of saying *I love you*.
    Your friend;
    LAMAR



    Hilarious

    You should come out of the religion forum more often
    Who needs Cartwheel Pennies anyway?

  7. #7
    Felinepeachy

    Re: Lamar's Hysterically Funny View on Marriage

    How is it that a man can live in the same house with you for nearly 20 years and still have no idea where things in the kitchen are stored. They obviously had no problem finding the item when they wanted to use it but ask them to put the dishes away and see if you can ever find anything again. Is this done on purpose?

  8. #8
    us
    Jul 2009
    Whiting, NJ
    Ace 250
    10,503
    1055 times
    All Types Of Treasure Hunting

    Re: Lamar's Hysterically Funny View on Marriage

    Lamar, not bad for a beginner. Actually, I correct myself, your post was very good with your observations.

    If you need any support in this arena feel free to contact me. After all, we all have an area of expertise and this is my playground.

  9. #9

    Aug 2004
    1,341
    39 times

    Re: Lamar's Hysterically Funny View on Marriage

    Quote Originally Posted by notgittinenny
    I thought your post was funny lamar. I am a born again also. And I am not --deleted-- to some of the funnies you posted. Last week I got my head ripped off and stuffed where the sun doesn't shine. I was at my mother in law's house and did not put the seat back down, she called my wife and told her that she fell in, in the middle of the night, and had a heckuva time getting out and the water was very cold, but I know, it was clean. Couldn't have happened to a better person. I am still giggling at what a site that was. BTW, I have been biblically married going on 33 years, to the same woman......nge
    Dear notgettinenny;
    Let me see if I understand you correctly, my friend. You have been married to the same woman for 33 years and you have the nerve to still call yourself a born-again? My friend, I do not know if you are aware of this, but the mere fact that you've been with the same woman for 33 years qualifies you as a Catholic. In fact, you are more Catholic than myself, only you do not realize it. And now I realize the meaning behind your nick.

    And what in the world is wrong with a person who cannot seem to see that a toilet seat is up? I mean, the eats aren't camouflaged or anything. I grew up using an outhouse and no matter WHAT the emergency was, I ALWAYS checked for basic things BEFORE sitting down, like looking around for rattlers, scorpions, black widows, check to see if there were enough non-shiny pages in the Sears catalog, etc.

    It took every bit of 5 seconds to do all of this, middle of the day or the dead of night, summer and winter. And if I could do all of that in under 5 seconds, why can't a woman check to see if the toilet is up or not It's like every time I hear " A woman should be the President of the United States!" I think: "Right! Women can't even check to see if the seat is up or not, and we want someone like that in charge of our country"

    And what is with the shag carpet on the seats You ever try to make that dood stand up with one of rug things attached to it? It's IMPOSSIBLE! And what's worse, you VERY CAREFULLY prop the seat up and just after you start.... WHAMMM! The seat comes crashing down! No matter what you do, the stoopid thing won't stand up! So you end up getting the shag carpet thingy all damp, which is never a good thing where women are concerned. I mean, it doesn't matter to us males but woman seem to think that it's dirty or something. Women...
    Your friend;
    LAMAR

  10. #10
    On extended Holiday.

    Dec 2008
    10,708
    72 times
    All Types Of Treasure Hunting

    Re: Lamar's Hysterically Funny View on Marriage

    Thanks a lot Lamar. Had to get a new monitor and keyboard.




  11. #11
    Felinepeachy

    Re: Lamar's Hysterically Funny View on Marriage


    Quote by Lamar
    And if I could do all of that in under 5 seconds, why can't a woman check to see if the toilet is up or not It's like every time I hear " A woman should be the President of the United States!" I think: "Right! Women can't even check to see if the seat is up or not, and we want someone like that in charge of our country"
    Stop, stop, you're killing me...............


  12. #12

    Aug 2004
    1,341
    39 times

    Re: Lamar's Hysterically Funny View on Marriage

    Quote Originally Posted by Felinepeachy
    How is it that a man can live in the same house with you for nearly 20 years and still have no idea where things in the kitchen are stored. They obviously had no problem finding the item when they wanted to use it but ask them to put the dishes away and see if you can ever find anything again. Is this done on purpose?
    Dear Feline Peach;
    Ok, you have a valid gripe regarding dishes, and I will explain things from a man's point of view. Why should something be put away when it's going to be used again in the very near future, like tomorrow? Just leave everything in the dish strainer and classify the dishes as those which are in *short-term storage* and those that are in *long-term storage*. Obviously the ones in the sink and dish drainer are those in short-term storage and they are VERY handy because they are out in the open. The dishes in short-term storage are only replaced by the ones in long-term shortage if:
    A dish that is in short-term breaks or otherwise becomes unusable
    or:
    we don't feel like washing dishes so we just throw all of the dirty ones out and replace them with the dishes in the cabinets.

    A very wise and intelligent man designed paper plates and plastic cutlery and he did so for a VERY good reason. This reason is so men do not have to wash dishes! Paper plates, styrofoam cups and plastic knives & forks are quite adequate for all dining chores. Plus, they have a certain panache. It's like we are always camping out, except that we are still at home!

    Let me explain it this way:
    Observe a man and his coffee cup. Don't touch his coffee cup for one week. Observe how many times the coffee cup will be used without being washed. I'll be willing to bet that it gets used all day, every day for a solid week without ever seeing soap! Rinsing it out once in a while is good enough. After all, what's been in there? Just coffee, right? Also, the coffee stains add a sort of *battle worn* look to the cup, what women might call *distressed*, just those pre-broken in blue jeans that are so popular today.

    And what's up women who spend 80$ for a pair of jeans that look like they've been passed around by a community of hobos? If I spend 80$ for a pair of pants I want them to be constructed from material that can deflect a .22 round, not something that looks faded and with holes already in them! The fading and holes will be there soon enough, so why try to force the issue? And what's with women who throw perfectly good men's pants away because they have a few rips and tears in them? Is it because we weren't dumb enough to pay 80$ for them at Dillards, and instead we paid 15$ for a pair of Dickey's at Wal-Mart and now that we've worn them to the point that they look ljust ike those $80 nightmares, they aren't good enough to be worn any more?

    Women seem to have no problem putting on a brand new pair of blue jeans with both knees showing and the cheeks practically hanging out, but if a man puts on a pair of work pants with one tiny rip in the knees, why they can't walk out of the house wearing them? Something's wrong with this philosophy.
    Your friend;
    LAMAR

  13. #13
    gb
    Shirley

    Nov 2007
    Birmingham
    849
    374 times

    Re: Lamar's Hysterically Funny View on Marriage

    Best laugh I've had for ages..

  14. #14
    dld
    dld is offline
    us
    Apr 2010
    NE Fla
    ace 250, BHID, Explorer SE Pro, Omega 8000
    151
    2 times

    Re: Lamar's Hysterically Funny View on Marriage

    lamar
    what about shoes, why in the world do they have so many, I have three, one grungy pair, one good pair and one real good pair for dress up. But they have hundreds of pairs.

    then there is squeezing the tooth paste tube, who cares where you squeeze it at as long as tooth paste come out

    what about the time it takes to get ready to go some where? I can do it in five minute with a couple to spare, they take a couple of hours and don't look much different than when they started

    dishes are the same way, I can eat off the same dish all day and drink out of the same glass for a week. But they have to have a clean one every time the eat or drink

  15. #15
    NGE
    NGE is offline
    us
    May 2008
    S.E. Michigan
    Etrac, Explorer XS II, Fisher 1266-X
    3,503
    116 times
    metal detecting, fishing, photography

    Re: Lamar's Hysterically Funny View on Marriage

    Quote Originally Posted by Felinepeachy
    How is it that a man can live in the same house with you for nearly 20 years and still have no idea where things in the kitchen are stored. They obviously had no problem finding the item when they wanted to use it but ask them to put the dishes away and see if you can ever find anything again. Is this done on purpose?
    You did it now, Peachy. My wife has stuff in the very back of the base cabinets that she uses all the time, she just empties the whole thing and gets what she wants, then puts everything back. When I do the dishes, I put everything up front within reach. Man do I get reamed for that when she can't find stuff that's right in front of her eyes. She always complains when I don't do dishes, I tell her to think why.....NGE
    Exposure to the Son prevents burning

 

 
Page 1 of 4 123 ... LastLast

Home | Forum | Active Topics | What's New

Sponsored Links

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  

Search tags for this page

hysterically funny quotes about marriage
,
hysterically funny quotes about people who have been married a long time
,

hysterically funny quotes for husband

Click on a term to search for related topics.
Powered by vBadvanced CMPS v4.3.0