lamar
Bronze Member
- Aug 30, 2004
- 1,341
- 46
Lamar's Hysterically Funny View on Marriage
Dear;
It's now time for some cold, harsh reality. Lets say you are about to get married. In my very humble opinion, if you truly wished for a celibate lifestyle, becoming a Catholic priest would probably be much more spiritually rewarding for you in the long run. In fact my personal view towards ensuring that Catholic priests stick to a celibate lifestyle would be to force them to marry, at gunpoint if necessary. Aside from castration, this is quite possibly the most reliable method of ensuring a celibate state in one's life. However, you've decided to get married, therefore you should know about certain things before you make the big commitment.
First, you won't be the boss. You won't even be a part of the management team. You will be the LABOR department. Your lovely bride will be the BOSS. Next, your only control over finances will be in the capacity of the EARNER. Whatever you earn will be hers. Likewise, whatever she earns will be hers as well. Get used to this right now. It will save you from a rather nasty surprise further on down the road, my friend.
Next, your house will no longer be your domain. Your area of control will be moved to the garage/shop area and everywhere that is out of doors. Everything that is indoors becomes hers, especially the bathroom, for some unfathomable reason. Do NOT leave the toilet seat up. Why this is sooooo important to women, I have NO idea! I mean, it's just as easy to put the darned thing down as it is to put it up, so why should anyone care whether it's up or down? Anyway, avoid around this problem by peeing outside. After all, that is a part of your domain, therefore you're allowed.
If you shave, HIDE YOUR RAZOR! Seriously! Do this. Do it NOW! Start practicing, my friend. Trust me, you do NOT want a razor to touch your face after it's been used to scrape the fur off of a lady's legs, underarms, or the very worst, other unmentionable parts of her body. A man's razor, after being in a woman's hands for 2 minutes, becomes worthless. You will have better luck trying to shave your face with a broken piece of Coke bottle.
Women go through toilet paper. They go through LOTS of toilet paper! The good ol' days of buying one roll every 6 months like clockwork are soon to be a thing of the past for you my friend. You will need to start buying it at Sam's Club or Costco. It helps to have a full sized pickup truck for when you buy TP. You will be buying a lot of it.
Always, and I mean ALWAYS, put the darned cap back on the toothpaste tube. Again, it's a great mystery to mankind why women find this to be sooooooooooo important, yet they do. If you forget to put the cap back on the toothpaste, she'll remember it for YEARS!
Don't use *her* towel. She must be something special and you obviously are not, therefore do not even LOOK at her towel. Use your your grubby old threadbare towel, the one that you used to clean the lawnmower with. You'll be glad that you did.
To sum up, you will be spending a lifetime with your lovely bride, therefore if I were you, I would not let the chance for a little *alone* time pass you by, my friend. Go to Alaska. Have the time of your life. Call your wife and tell her what a miserable time you are having. Lie through your teeth. Times like those will quite possibly become very precious in the future.
Your friend;
LAMAR
Dear;
It's now time for some cold, harsh reality. Lets say you are about to get married. In my very humble opinion, if you truly wished for a celibate lifestyle, becoming a Catholic priest would probably be much more spiritually rewarding for you in the long run. In fact my personal view towards ensuring that Catholic priests stick to a celibate lifestyle would be to force them to marry, at gunpoint if necessary. Aside from castration, this is quite possibly the most reliable method of ensuring a celibate state in one's life. However, you've decided to get married, therefore you should know about certain things before you make the big commitment.
First, you won't be the boss. You won't even be a part of the management team. You will be the LABOR department. Your lovely bride will be the BOSS. Next, your only control over finances will be in the capacity of the EARNER. Whatever you earn will be hers. Likewise, whatever she earns will be hers as well. Get used to this right now. It will save you from a rather nasty surprise further on down the road, my friend.
Next, your house will no longer be your domain. Your area of control will be moved to the garage/shop area and everywhere that is out of doors. Everything that is indoors becomes hers, especially the bathroom, for some unfathomable reason. Do NOT leave the toilet seat up. Why this is sooooo important to women, I have NO idea! I mean, it's just as easy to put the darned thing down as it is to put it up, so why should anyone care whether it's up or down? Anyway, avoid around this problem by peeing outside. After all, that is a part of your domain, therefore you're allowed.
If you shave, HIDE YOUR RAZOR! Seriously! Do this. Do it NOW! Start practicing, my friend. Trust me, you do NOT want a razor to touch your face after it's been used to scrape the fur off of a lady's legs, underarms, or the very worst, other unmentionable parts of her body. A man's razor, after being in a woman's hands for 2 minutes, becomes worthless. You will have better luck trying to shave your face with a broken piece of Coke bottle.
Women go through toilet paper. They go through LOTS of toilet paper! The good ol' days of buying one roll every 6 months like clockwork are soon to be a thing of the past for you my friend. You will need to start buying it at Sam's Club or Costco. It helps to have a full sized pickup truck for when you buy TP. You will be buying a lot of it.
Always, and I mean ALWAYS, put the darned cap back on the toothpaste tube. Again, it's a great mystery to mankind why women find this to be sooooooooooo important, yet they do. If you forget to put the cap back on the toothpaste, she'll remember it for YEARS!
Don't use *her* towel. She must be something special and you obviously are not, therefore do not even LOOK at her towel. Use your your grubby old threadbare towel, the one that you used to clean the lawnmower with. You'll be glad that you did.
To sum up, you will be spending a lifetime with your lovely bride, therefore if I were you, I would not let the chance for a little *alone* time pass you by, my friend. Go to Alaska. Have the time of your life. Call your wife and tell her what a miserable time you are having. Lie through your teeth. Times like those will quite possibly become very precious in the future.
Your friend;
LAMAR