My cats letter home for Christmas..if you dont laugh youre probably not alive
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  1. #1
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    My cat's letter home for Christmas..if you don't laugh you're probably not alive

    Dear Mom and Dad,

    Hi, itís us. Lily and Smoke. Remember us? We havenít seen you in a bunch of cat years, hope you are doing well and arenít having too many hairballs. Weís still living at the crazy old ladyís place. She takes this machine outside and runs it over the ground. Wes thinks she's trying to find the nuts the squirrels bury. We was hoping she would bring us a squirrel, but all she brings home are these "relic" and "gold" things, whatever they is. Itís not too bad, except for that one besturde cat, the black one named Satan, no wait, Smoke says his name is Dusty. He is jealous of the old bag and doesnít want to share the house with anyone.

    Iím typing, Lily that is, Smoke is too stupid lazy to do it. Plus heís dyslexic. Or septic. Or something like that. And he caint spelle.
    Anyway, we have very nice beds here. I like the imaginery ďTracyísĒ room. Itís quiet in there and the besturde doesnít come in. Heís like a big black bat hanging around the old bag all the time. Smoke got up on the couch all by himself once. I LMAO.
    We get canned food twice a day, itís pretty good. We like the poultry platter best.

    The crazy lady keeps the house warm in winter and cool in summer. We have to watch out for her because she donít walk too good and she might fall on us.
    She disappears most every day at 7 am and comes back about dark. We knows itís 7 am because she tells us that. We occasionally get a car ride, but itís not to the mouse store, itís to the vets. The biggestest cat, Lil'While, he catches real live mice. They donít stay that way long. Itís exciting!
    Crazy lady talks about retiring all the time. Are they going to put her to sleep? We kinda like her cause she does what we wants. Hope they donít do that. Who is they anyway?

    She has kittens, you and another one called this ďTracyĒ thing, but we never seen the Tracy.
    You should come visit us. Wes misses ya. Smoke is 15 years old now. My birthday was yesterday. I got pet. The old bat didnít forget it. (Thatís because the vet sent her a notice on the lighted window she sits behind.) I also got canned food.

    Well, we wanted to send you a gift, but the only thing we have extra is stuff out of the cat box and the crazy lady said the post office lady wouldnít like that, so we decided against it. The besturde cat Dusty owns all the cat toys, although he donít go nowheres near Smokeís blanket and I have a blanket too. We were able to get crazy lady to get a piece of our hair to send to you. Youse shouldest keep it forevers. Itís from us.
    Love you both, come visit. If you see that Santa character, we hear he steals cats so plz shoot his sorry arsse.

    Love, Lily the Brendle Cat and Smoke the Magnificent

    PS: The old bat did retire and all she does is go to this TreasureNet Place on the little lighted window and chase the stupid squirrels with that dumb machine of hers. She hasn't not brought us ONE squirrell yet!

    Click image for larger version. 

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  2. #2
    us
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    ....

  3. #3
    za
    Brendan75

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  4. #4

    Feb 2017
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    Sweet story!
    When i die , i want to be cremated and put in my cats litter box so he gets one last scratch from me.

  5. #5
    us
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    showing a very fine set of felines! Meowey Christmas!

  6. #6
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    Smoke is the grey one.
    Oddjob, Simon1, A2coins and 1 others like this.

  7. #7
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    Thank you for sharing!

  8. #8
    Charter Member
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    I actually did send this to my daughter, their former owner with some cat fur in zip bags. I mean, what do you get someone who has everything?
    Oddjob, Simon1, sprailroad and 2 others like this.

  9. #9
    Charter Member
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    Cat teaches man, not everything here serves him.

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    Bwahahahaha, they look like I feel....

    I musta ate 15 lbs of food today! Merry Christmas!


    Click image for larger version. 

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    Yesterday is history, tomorow a mystery. All we have is the here and now, it's a special gift. That's why we call it "The Present"

    Pity the poor agnostic dyslexic insomniac who lies awake at night wondering if there really is a Dog.

    https://www.etsy.com/shop/patharp?ref=si_shop

  10. #10
    Charter Member
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    I had a cheese stick, 2 pieces of chocolate, a beef stick and then home made fries. Chicken is baking now. The cats won't get any, they do not like people food.Click image for larger version. 

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    This is Smoke in one of his finest moment. He has diabetic neuropathy and tried to get into the tall cat box. He sorta failed. That's cat litter on top of his head.

  11. #11

    Aug 2012
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    https://www.chickensoup.com/story-su...mit-your-story

    Link above is to the story submission page from Chicken Soup for the Soul. Not sure if you ever heard of them, but this would kill it.
    Simon1 and MetalArchSC like this.
    Quote Originally Posted by G.I.B. View Post
    I'm not an Idiot Whisperer. I can't help you any further with the math.

  12. #12
    Charter Member
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    That might be an idea. BTW I have in real life written 3 books and directed two full length motion pictures. Plus other miscellaneous stuff.
    Oddjob, Simon1 and MetalArchSC like this.

  13. #13

    Aug 2012
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    Quote Originally Posted by smokeythecat View Post
    That might be an idea. BTW I have in real life written 3 books and directed two full length motion pictures. Plus other miscellaneous stuff.
    Nicholas Sparks got a good leg up with them before he blew up. Lots have. Just saying, this is exactly where this belongs.

    Well if you are published then you already know the format.
    Quote Originally Posted by G.I.B. View Post
    I'm not an Idiot Whisperer. I can't help you any further with the math.

  14. #14
    us
    Title? old fart

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    ah, the retirement life has kicked in. now you will be invading in their time space LOL
    LUKE 15 : 8 "OR WHAT WOMAN, IF SHE HAS TEN SILVER COINS AND LOSES ONE COIN,DOES NOT LIGHT A LAMP AND SWEEP THE HOUSE AND SEARCH CAREFULLY UNTIL SHE FINDS IT?" 15 : 9 "AND WHEN SHE HAS FOUND IT, SHE CALLS TOGETHER HER FRIENDS AND NEIGHBORS, SAYING, "REJOICE WITH ME, FOR I HAVE FOUND THE COIN WHICH I HAD LOST!"

  15. #15

    Aug 2012
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    Quote Originally Posted by smokeythecat View Post
    That might be an idea. BTW I have in real life written 3 books and directed two full length motion pictures. Plus other miscellaneous stuff.
    Also, if you do submit, let us know and let us know when they will print. I would like to get a copy. I have many of them collected just because of certain authors I like.
    Quote Originally Posted by G.I.B. View Post
    I'm not an Idiot Whisperer. I can't help you any further with the math.

 

 
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