Unresolved grief!
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  1. #1
    us
    Sep 2013
    Somewhere directly above the center of the Earth.
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    Unresolved grief!

    I have an important question or two.
    How does a person resolve grief when you cannot physically or mentally grieve that person ?

    This will probably sound silly and self-induced as it kinda is.

    Before my Father passed away, he made the request for a promise that I don't cry for him.

    What a cruel thing to do!

    I think that he knew that I would do everything within my power to fulfill his promise.

    That's what has led me into a realm of depression that I hadn't realized existed.

    In all my years, from childhood up throughout my teen years and then as an adult, I never once kept any promises that I made to my Father.
    That isn't easy to admit.

    I vowed as an honor to my pops that I would keep his unreasonable promise and not cry or grieve him.

    It will be 11 years this year since dad left here.
    I cannot at this point even think about happy memories of him without breaking down into a sobbing mess.
    I feel shattered and broken!
    Maybe that was his intentions...

    Am I being unreasonable of my own state of mind in trying to keep this promise ?
    If I am, does anyone know how I can let him go without grieving him ?
    Please.. anything.

    BC
    The supreme irony of life is that hardly anyone gets out of it alive.
    Robert A. Heinlein

    “Personally, I am always ready to learn, although I do not always like being taught.”
    Sir Winston Churchill

    My life is like a stroll on the beach...As near to the edge as I can go.

  2. #2
    us
    Nov 2003
    Orange Co. NY
    White's xlt,Tesoro Silver umax, and Compadre.
    345
    40 times
    Just let it all out.

    Think like a lawyer, and find a loophole in that promise. Like what exactly was his request, and your specific response?
    BC1969, Wrightdigger, AARC and 3 others like this.
    You know it's a good day when you not only have surface finds of Pulltabs, but pull two out of the same hole.

  3. #3
    us
    Jul 2013
    OC, Calif
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    I just recently lost my father in Feb. Death of a loved one is very difficult at best. I'm not sure what your father really meant when he said that to you. MAYBE, he didn't think he was worthy of your tears. I'm sure he loved you enough to want you to be able to grieve properly and NOT be depressed. Have a good cry and go to his grave site and have a good talk with him. You'll feel much better. Maybe see a counselor if you need to.
    BC1969, solx nys and Wrightdigger like this.

  4. #4
    us
    Sep 2013
    Somewhere directly above the center of the Earth.
    4,797
    8609 times
    Just more or less that since I haven't once listened to him or followed his advice or ever kept a promise...He knew that I was torn up about my behavior towards him my entire life. Outright bitter towards him and his love of alcohol.
    He made me promise to not cry and not grieve him, to act as if he is still here.

    Funny how true that really is!
    I thought for certain, when he passed away, that all of the pain of the past would fade away with him.
    No.
    Nope, he certainly never left in my mind.
    Maybe I am cursed
    Maybe I can't see any positive anything.

    I told him that I would indeed keep this promise.
    I have and it is causing me to self destruct.
    Wrightdigger and Rebel - KGC like this.

  5. #5
    us
    Sep 2013
    Somewhere directly above the center of the Earth.
    4,797
    8609 times
    Quote Originally Posted by TommyB View Post
    I just recently lost my father in Feb. Death of a loved one is very difficult at best. I'm not sure what your father really meant when he said that to you. MAYBE, he didn't think he was worthy of your tears. I'm sure he loved you enough to want you to be able to grieve properly and NOT be depressed. Have a good cry and go to his grave site and have a good talk with him. You'll feel much better. Maybe see a counselor if you need to.
    I'm truly sorry for your loss.
    I really know what that felt like in the early days!
    I'll pray for you if that is okay with you.
    For your strength in the coming years.

    Mike
    Wrightdigger and Rebel - KGC like this.
    The supreme irony of life is that hardly anyone gets out of it alive.
    Robert A. Heinlein

    “Personally, I am always ready to learn, although I do not always like being taught.”
    Sir Winston Churchill

    My life is like a stroll on the beach...As near to the edge as I can go.

  6. #6
    us
    Feb 2015
    Yacolt WA
    EQ 800
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    All Types Of Treasure Hunting
    What would your Father choose for you? Keeping a promise that is causing you such pain? Or lance the abcess of grief that is causing it?

    Dealing with the aftermath of feelings after a loved one passing is so hard, so perhaps through his own experiances of loss, he thought he would spare you the pain with asking you not to go through it with the promise.

    Sorry, it doesn't work that way - grieving is as natural as breathing, and you are sitting at the bottom of the pool turning blue.

    My pain is same, but different - my guilt of mom passing in a nursing home because I was scared of caring for her dying. I cry instead of smile when I think of our adventures. So I understand, and no advice except perhaps we both need some help moving forward. Or Water wings

    All the best wishes on this journey to you - MW

  7. #7

    Dec 2012
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    One of my favorite John Wayne quotes


    A mans gotta do what he thinks is right.
    I’m the only one of me, baby that’s the fun of me.. / brendon urie

    DON’T TRUST WHITEY / Navin Johnson


    EVERYTHINGS GONNA BE ALRIGHT, EVERYTHINGS GONNA BE OK.
    ITS GONNA BE A GOOD GOOD LIFE, THAT’S WHAT MY THERAPISTS SAY. / Bebe rexha


    IF YOU’RE LOST AND ALONE, OR YOU’RE SINKING LIKE A STONE, CARRY ON / Fun

  8. #8
    us
    Nov 2003
    Orange Co. NY
    White's xlt,Tesoro Silver umax, and Compadre.
    345
    40 times
    This is a long time coming even before he passed.

    You have to rid yourself of the things weighing you down. One can be stuck with all that junk not ever letting go. Don't be like that. Screw the promise. It's for you now.
    You know it's a good day when you not only have surface finds of Pulltabs, but pull two out of the same hole.

  9. #9
    Charter Member

    Jun 2017
    9,326
    36330 times
    BC and the rest who may be grieving, don't cry for them. Cry for yourself. Get it out of your system. To say things will get better is not exactly true. Things, the days, they get easier, not better. You'll never forget them. You will always miss them. There will always be something, some place, some time, some smell, some event, something that will strike you when you least expect it and the pain of missing that person will hit you like a brick. Go ahead and cry. God gave us tears for a reason.
    13 Greater love has no one than this:
    to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.


    John 15:13



    I admit my level of weirdness is above the national average, but I am comfortable with that.

  10. #10
    us
    nomad roman numeral 2

    Nov 2009
    nomads land
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    thats senseless. if you truly hurt inside you have to relieve that stress inside. otherwise your body will explode like an atom bomb. hurt is a terrible thing. whether it be mental or physical. after the hurt subsides it allows joy to follow.

  11. #11
    us
    nomad roman numeral 2

    Nov 2009
    nomads land
    any tector i can get my hands on
    2,025
    2120 times
    thats senseless. if you truly hurt inside you have to relieve that stress inside. otherwise your body will explode like an atom bomb. hurt is a terrible thing. whether it be mental or physical. after the hurt subsides it allows joy to follow. i would more agreeable if he said ? after i leave this earth will you please clean your room.
    Wrightdigger and Rebel - KGC like this.

  12. #12
    Charter Member
    us
    "WP"

    May 2012
    12,357
    19205 times
    i love my Dad.
    I won't quit being human while alive for him though.
    Promises get broke. The best way to avoid one (who benefits from a promise , vs actual actions inherent) is to not request or give one.

    Marriage is a promise. I learned to quit making that promise after a couple.
    Is it wrong... is not the question.
    Should you deny your being human too by trying to hold up a promise you did not or currently do not want to keep? Or one that was unreasonable in the first place when you did not benefit , or even exist in a "normal" manner by it?
    How are you obligated when it causes you strife? No thanks. Sorry , but...No. I'm still human.

    Have a crappy day/life fighting yourself for me...Oh , O.K. I will then. Not.

  13. #13
    us
    Sep 2013
    Somewhere directly above the center of the Earth.
    4,797
    8609 times
    I had a really severe love/hate relationship with my Father.
    He was the most heinous drunk that you could ever possibly imagine!
    After all these years I still lack confidence and self-esteem due to his physical and verbal abuse that I was just a little ret@rded nothing.
    Coming from a man who was the most brilliant engineer that I still have ever to meet.
    He may have been super intelligent at electrical circuits, but he was dumb as a box of rocks when it came to being a father.
    An iron fist was his rule.
    A serpents tongue with hateful words..but he loved me supposedly and the rest of the family... according to my mother.
    She never seen any fault in him.
    Oh he's drunk! He doesn't mean it.
    Most of my earliest memories are of my mother escaping with us kids to the neighbors house and then the police always came.
    As the youngest of four, all neighbors had 15 years of my dads rage with his children before I came along.
    I was outcast!
    Zero childhood friends because other parents wouldn't let their kids near me or my family.

    My father sent me away when I was 12.
    To a large state mental health facility.
    Nothing but raping filthy subhuman garbage ran that place!

    Pops made me make that promise because of what I did to him in response to stealing my best years..when you become a teenager! And those summers we all loved... I was locked away in that horrible place and it was absolute Hell!
    What was rewarded behavior one day, tge next day you would be punished for the same behavior!

    It is too painful to describe what I endured in the 21 months that I existed there.
    My pops made that demand because I told him about how they abused me there.
    That was cruel on my part!
    I wanted him to feel what I did... helpless!!

    Do you see my pain now ?
    Wrightdigger, Rebel - KGC and U.B. like this.
    The supreme irony of life is that hardly anyone gets out of it alive.
    Robert A. Heinlein

    “Personally, I am always ready to learn, although I do not always like being taught.”
    Sir Winston Churchill

    My life is like a stroll on the beach...As near to the edge as I can go.

  14. #14
    Charter Member
    us
    Chris

    May 2011
    Western Mass.
    Whites M-6 W/ DD6x10 SunRay DX-1 (A real sleeper)
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    Quote Originally Posted by BC1969 View Post
    Just more or less that since I haven't once listened to him or followed his advice or ever kept a promise...He knew that I was torn up about my behavior towards him my entire life. Outright bitter towards him and his love of alcohol.
    He made me promise to not cry and not grieve him, to act as if he is still here.

    Funny how true that really is!
    I thought for certain, when he passed away, that all of the pain of the past would fade away with him.
    No.
    Nope, he certainly never left in my mind.
    Maybe I am cursed
    Maybe I can't see any positive anything.

    I told him that I would indeed keep this promise.
    I have and it is causing me to self destruct.
    We only have ONE Father our earthly Dad's just don't quite fit that role so to speak.People do unto others what was done unto them by their parents generation after generation all the way back to Paradise lost..they are not CONSCIOUSLY aware they are doing it either.

    Jesus said it quite to the point..Father forgive them for they know NOT what they do.

    LET go of the resentment you have for your Dad He could not help himself any more than you can help yourself Mike,He used alcohol as a "makes me feel good" trouble is every high is a NEW LOW needing that feel good over and over again.What are you feeling bad about that you to feel good about?
    Wrightdigger, Rebel - KGC and U.B. like this.
    EVER WONDER WHERE YOUR THOUGHTS COME FROM?

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    When we come into the world we take on the identity of those who are more powerful than us.

  15. #15
    us
    Sep 2013
    Somewhere directly above the center of the Earth.
    4,797
    8609 times
    You didn't know my father.
    If I had told him when I was younger and he wasn't on his death bed like he was...He would have killed anyone who had touched me in any such way.
    Because I knew that about him... I unsuccessfully buried the pain of that place for 26 years!
    My wife was the first person I told and has been my biggest supporter in trying to resolve my past.
    I'd be lost without her!
    I'd have self destructed loooong ago.
    I loved my father deeply, even though I never showed it as he never me.
    Wrightdigger and Rebel - KGC like this.

 

 
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