He wasn't a treasure hunter in the same sense as the
members of this site, his treasure was not to be found.
For most of my 53 years we were best friends, and I let
him down.
Life separated us some 20 years ago but we still remained
friends. Yearly deer hunting trips and holidays brought us
together. But somehow his ways and mine became
separate ways and we didn't communicate as much.
He never married and never really had a life partner.
He was alone and lonely, but put up a brave front.
His health was bad and to deal with his pain he drank too much.
Because of this about 3 years ago he lost his job.
I somehow let this lifestyle overshadow the fact that he was
my closest dearest friend, and I betrayed him.
Now I can never make it up to him, he was found dead in his
apartment. The last time I talked to him, I really let him
down by telling him I didn't have time for him. For months I
felt bad, but never reached out to mend the relationship.
This I must live with for the rest of my life.
The rest of my family is following my 86 year old mother's
wishes to keep this a private matter, but I am torn up inside
with grief and have to share it with someone.
I realize I am writing this as a selfish gesture to help myself
deal with my loss. I have been very fortunate to have found
this site and get to meet some very nice people. I would just
like to encourage any out there who might be in the same
situation to suck it up and make peace with those you love and
haven't talked to in a while. Don't wait until it is to late.
I'm sorry Brother David, I love you and beg forgiveness.
Even though we have never met, my heart goes out to you, and my prayers are with you.
Remember that your brother loved you. Remember the good times that you shared. Nothing can ever change that.
If there really was anything to forgive, you can be sure that you have his forgiveness. Don't let past misunderstandings or lingering guilt rob you of the gift that he gave you just by being your brother— the same gift that you gave to him. It's not about always being there or always being right. It's about being family.
Honor your brother by accepting that forgiveness... by keeping him in your heart... by being as kind and understanding to others, and to yourself, as you would be to him today if he were here.
That's a tough situation. However, as human as it might be, stop beating yourself up. That won't help things. I don't know any human on this earth that hasn't made some sort of mistake. I too made a mistake similiar to what you did with some of my deceased uncle's so I kinda know what you are feeling. However, I have pledged that something like that will never ever happen again. What have I done to make myself feel better? I offer up some prayers for them every Sunday at church. Good Luck. My prayers for your brother and you.
Freedom has a flavor the protected will never know. Vietnam # 10 G.I Wolfpack
Pronghorn, I am sorry for your loss. I know the feeling all to well. My bro commited suicide 12 yrs ago. He had always been a troubled lonely person. I did try to help. He lived w/ me & my then young daughter. (It was not a good thing for her) But it was not to be. It didn't help, & he then dissapeared for yrs til we got "the phone call" Know that what ever you could have tried to do to help, wouldn't have lessened his inner struggles. He loved you. You provided him w/ stability & family. The hunting trips probably were his best memories. I loved my bro. I know he was in constant inner turmoil & pain. I know he isn't suffering now. & that is why he did what he did. It helped me however in making me aware of the mental illness in my family. I will not let anyone sweep it under the rug now. We discuss it, are aware of the signs & are firm believers in taking control of our own lives. My daughters are healthy& happy & educated in bi-polar, manic & other diseases. They know it is nothing to be ashamed of, & we have grown immensely because of this knowledge.
I hope I am not just rambling. I know it hurts. I still wake up at times hurting because I miss the bro I had when we were younger. at those times, I think of the good times & smile thru the tears. I pray you will find solace in your friends & loved ones & the memories. He isn't hurting anymore. God bless you. Mamabear
Thank you so much each and everyone of you! I am so grateful for your kind words of condolence and especially for the the prayers.
It is heartwarming for me to read your replies, it really helps, thank you so much.
Again I urge any out there that read this and know you need to talk to someone that you have not talked to in a while, please take the time and just do it before it's to late.
I am so sorry for your loss. I empathize with you, as, not too awfully long ago, my lifelong friend committed suicide, in public.
I, too, knew she was having problems, and I didn't do much to help - but, I didn't really know how. We talked a little just before, but, we were involved with another death in the family, so the 'chat' was short, and I just could never imagine my friend Chris would/or could do that.
Either way - I have learned something, from talking to someone who deals with those people that are left behind.
You cannot change a person's life - you can be part of it, but the real friends are the ones that, even if you don't see them - they are still your friend and they are still part of your life - he is free of pain and strife - as my friend is.
But, again, you did not fail him - he chose his direction. You will only fail him if you let it destroy you too. Please don't do that - your friend would not want you to feel guilt, I am sure. It was his decision to live life the way he chose.
Thank you so much mrs. oroblanco
I sincerely wish to express my sympathy to you for the loss of your friend
Chris. Life is not easy at times like this. I don't know what else to say,
my heart is weaping and I feel your pain. God Bless You!
I'm sorry to hear about your brother. I also went through a similar thing with my best friend back when I was 21 years old. He always wanted to borrow a little money for gas and he would drive his gas guzzler about 20 miles to borrow 5 or 10 dollars. I didn't realize until after he killed himself that it really wasn't the money he wanted, it was to have someone to talk to. He was having trouble with his marriage and he was still having flash backs from the drugs he had taken when he was a teen. He kept telling me about all of the crazy things he would see and he thought demons were following him around. Well, he got to be a bother to my new wife (now ex-wife) and I started making excuses to get rid of him. It wasn't long till I got the news that he broke into a neighbors house and stole their revolver and went up on the railroad track and shot himself. I felt awful that I shunned him and that I didn't see what was going on with him. I'll never know if I could have prevented him from doing that but I sure wish I had been there for him. It's one of those life's lessons that you can only learn the hard way and it sticks with you for a long time. Praying is the only thing that helps. Pray for strength and wisdom so you will know the warning signs should someone else you know be considering the same thing. Hang in there buddy.
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