Wife just doesnt get it...

[adaminnh]

So yeah, im crabby. Im really wanting to hunt today but SHE is being a pill about it. Why? Could she really want me miserably moping around doing yard work? I put off a job even so I could go out today. (she dosent know that, sorry honey). Doesnt she realize that in a couple more weeks we're gonna be burried in snow and ice making my new found addiction impossible? I havent hunted in days now. Whats it gonna be like in february? Sure i'll have tons of clad to wash...but I might go insane. I can see myself pacing down the haul with an invisible machine and a wierd twitch in one eye. How do you folks cope with a long winter. How do you cope with a wife who just doesnt get it?

 

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[generic username]

looks like you need to do 10 minute hunts in a nearby parks while picking up yard work supply's from the next town over

 

[creskol]

I hand her a shovel and tell her she can either go digging with me or she can stay home and scrub the toilets. ... well that only happened once .. wish I hadn't handed her the shovel!

 

[Gold Maven]

Just tell her it's the corner bar, or the treasure hunt.

 

[adaminnh]

I already used the 'flat tire' one. She was amazed AAA had a used exact matching tire on hand. I said yeah they're good. Cant use the bar one...gave that up eons ago. I do need leaf bags though...

 

[pat-tekker-cat]

You need to get out there quick, find her that big gold and diamond (or ruby, emerald, or sapphire) ring! She'll "get it" then!

After that, she will be makin and packin you breakfast/lunch sammich's, and pushing you out the door to go hunt everyday! Hopefully!
If you start bringing home good stuffs, she may decide to start detecting herself!

Go to the little parks, volleyball courts, playgrounds, etc, in them little short runs and hang in there. Good luck!

 

[Tom_in_CA]

adaminnh, well, you know what they tell you, from the time you're a little kid in grade school, right?: Whenever you find yourself in a disagreement like this, the way to resolve conflict is you "talk about it" with the person. Right? Sounds so simple, and who can argue with "talking about it", right? It just "rolls off the tongue". But as I'm sure you've discovered thus far (as have a lot of us married guys), that the trouble with this "solution", is that this process of "talking about it", is never OVER until you've uttered the following words: "Yes dear".

In other words, if you haven't complied with what she wants, and you thus find yourself in a continued tie (impasse), then by definition, you need to "talk about it more". And at no time is the "talking about it" done, until SHE is satisfied with the outcome (lest you simply haven't talked about it ENOUGH).

So I have often found myself enacting what some marriage & fam type counseling/books call "boundries". That's where, instead of coming in and saying something like "can I go to the concert?" (as if it's their say-so to allow you to go or not), you instead come in and say "I'm going to the concert, you're welcome to go if you want". Or in your case, you simply announce "I'm going metal detecting". And when she objects, pouts, and gives you all the reasons why you shouldn't (and instead lists off the things she thinks you should do instead), you listen politely, smile, pause and think, then respond "ok, I've given the matter thought, I've thought through everything you've said, and I've made a decision. I'm still going metal detecting". Very controversial, I know, because it seems to make YOU the "dictator" and takes away the spouses in-put. But CONVERSELY, to think everything has to go through THEIR say-so, simply makes THEM the "dictator", afterall. The "boundries" philosophy was/is more for abuse situations (where women, for example, don't "put their foot down" and let the husband know that a certain activity [vice, cheating, abuse, etc..] must STOP OR ELSE). But I have talked to one marriage/fam counselor friend I know, who said ...... no .. it's not just for abusive situations, but for every situation. Lest otherwise, the partner eventually come to think that all they have to do is wine and gripe, and you'll perpetually cave in, and do exactly as they say. Ie: the "talking about it" isn't over, till you've complied type-thing.

 

[cti4sw]

I just tell my wife that if she thinks my hobby is so gay and stupid and all, when I get my big find she won't be there with open palms, right? It'd be mine, cuz you didn't want anything to do with it, right, honey? So I get to keep my gold coin/gold jewelry/silver scrap/rare coins and do what I please with them. If I choose to sell them, that money's mine, right? Yeah. That's what I thought.

EDIT: We all hate it when our wives go shopping for stuff they don't need bc they already have 50 pairs of shoes, 19 pairs of jeans and more shirts than the store where they're shopping. So if I can tolerate HER retail therapy, it's only compromising that she tolerates MY hobby too!

P.S. If you have one of those wives who likes to call and attempt to cut your time out short bc she's now "awake", or "home", don't give in!!! You give in now, it's harder to win that argument later!

 

[Tom_in_CA]

.... If you have one of those wives who likes to call and attempt to cut your time out short bc she's now "awake", or "home", don't give in!!! You give in now, it's harder to win that argument later!

What?? how could you be so cruel cti4sw ?? If you're wife calls you like that, she's "only asking a question", and you, as the loving kind husband, are expected to "talk about issues" over which you disagree. Now please. Recant this stubborn mean behavior, and go do the right thing, and enter into a loving conversation with your wife about whether or not it's a good idea for you to continue metal detecting! Go make us proud, and do the right thing!

 

[gee_mg]

I have this problem every single time and ends up with wife saying "you care more about metal detecting than you do about us (her and son). But, she changes when i find something good!

 

[tngirl]

My husband calls my metal detectors my "boyfriends"... Try getting her to go out to eat or to the movies with her friends, then run to the nearest park and hunt, hunt, hunt!

 

[TNGUNS]

Heck.....some times it is easier to get forgiveness than ask permission. Load up and go......kiss butt for a day or two and walah. Works for me......NOTE: does not work on purchase of a new 4 wheeler. Thought I would be cursed with a permanent pucker lips after that one. She is still off over it.

 

[JT1080]

I would be honest. For me it's about enjoying the outdoors and doing something I like, it helps me blow off steam and center myself. We all need personal space, even in a committed relationship. Being honest is key. I find that if I lie or bend the truth, it always bites me in the ass. If i'm honest and open about how I like to spend my time, i'm congruent and I have no guilt feelings. It doesn't mean there are no hard feelings. Sometimes people will be hurt, BUT I guarantee they will respect you more and appreciate your honesty. If not... well... I dunno, I feel for you.

 

[Tom_in_CA]

reply

I would be honest. For me it's about enjoying the outdoors and doing something I like, it helps me blow off steam and center myself. We all need personal space, even in a committed relationship. Being honest is key. I find that if I lie or bend the truth, it always bites me in the ass. If i'm honest and open about how I like to spend my time, i'm congruent and I have no guilt feelings. It doesn't mean there are no hard feelings. Sometimes people will be hurt, BUT I guarantee they will respect you more and appreciate your honesty. If not... well... I dunno, I feel for you.

gee JT1080, I wish I had a wife like yours, where "just being honest" allowed me to "enjoy the outdoors" etc... But if I'm "just honest" and say "gee honey, I just want to enjoy the outdoors, and blow off steam" (as you say), then the conversation would never be over. The resulting conversation of a start like that, would be how housework (whatever project she had in mind) is more important. And you know when the conversation would be over? When I've uttered the words "yes dear".

So either you have a nice wife, who ..... upon hearing your plea that you must detect, (ie.: your "honesty") capitulates, and says "go ahead honey, have fun", OR, if you have a wife like a lot of us do, you simply don't get much detecting done.

 

[JT1080]

gee JT1080, I wish I had a wife like yours, where "just being honest" allowed me to "enjoy the outdoors" etc... But if I'm "just honest" and say "gee honey, I just want to enjoy the outdoors, and blow off steam" (as you say), then the conversation would never be over. The resulting conversation of a start like that, would be how housework (whatever project she had in mind) is more important. And you know when the conversation would be over? When I've uttered the words "yes dear".

So either you have a nice wife, who ..... upon hearing your plea that you must detect, (ie.: your "honesty") capitulates, and says "go ahead honey, have fun", OR, if you have a wife like a lot of us do, you simply don't get much detecting done.

I'm sorry Tom_in_CA, that your opinion of how relationships work differ from mine. I'm pretty sure adminnh was seeking the opinions of others and that's what I gave him, MY opinion. You suggested to "talk it out", others have suggested to lie, I offered my opinion.. I know <gasp> how dare I. It works for me and has for a very long time. Bruce Lee once said “Absorb what is useful, Discard what is not, Add what is uniquely your own.” It's very simple, take it or leave it.

 

[sagthegreat]

My girlfriend hate when I go detect, just "loose" her ring and save the day by finding it. Problem Solved

 

[Tom_in_CA]

JT1080, yes that's your opinion, and yes, that's what he asked for. So do-tell, when you tell your wife "I want to enjoy the outdoors and blow off steam" (as you say you say, in honesty), do you get to go detecting? Or does it result in a "talking about it" that results in your eventually tiring, and simply staying home? Or perhaps she says "sure, go ahead", (in which case, you have a great wife!). I'm just curious, as this is a very contentious thing for me right now.

One time, I was in the middle of a howling storm, where the beach had eroded down to bedrock, and the time of low tide was late-at-night. My wife called right when I was in the thick of things and said "where are you? why aren't you home yet?" and "It's late, time to come home now", etc.... Now mind you, I was digging coins hand over fist (multiple coins per basket, as fast as I could dig), ...... so ....... what do I do? Engage in a elongated cell-phone call over the pros and cons of "whether it's time to come home and help hang pictures" ?

I'm sincerely interested in what to do in cases like this, when ...... sure ... none of us men would say to "be a j*rk" and "lie" etc.... however, "being honest" and saying "gee honey, I'm doing really good right now, I want to stay longer" simply has no effect on some women. They would simply engage you in a conversation, where ......... you eventually give up, and say "yes dear" ?

 

[Chug And Red]

So yeah, im crabby. Im really wanting to hunt today but SHE is being a pill about it. Why? Could she really want me miserably moping around doing yard work? I put off a job even so I could go out today. (she dosent know that, sorry honey). Doesnt she realize that in a couple more weeks we're gonna be burried in snow and ice making my new found addiction impossible? I havent hunted in days now. Whats it gonna be like in february? Sure i'll have tons of clad to wash...but I might go insane. I can see myself pacing down the haul with an invisible machine and a wierd twitch in one eye. How do you folks cope with a long winter. How do you cope with a wife who just doesnt get it?

I feel your pain. Chug got me by one day when I was sick, he came home with a dirt clod, and he handed it to me with a smile. I washed it off in the sink, and 10 minutes later I had a little heart on a chain. It was junk, but oh my goodness, the rush was great, and I suddenly got it! As soon as my health improved enough, I started going out with him. Now you can't keep me home, my number one favorite things to hunt? Relics, and Chug is really surprised that I enjoy it so much, that little heart? I wear it now and then, it's tarnished and warn, but I love it!!! Trry doing that with her, or have her work with your detector in the yard or whatever, or even hide something and have her find it, dude, do what you can!!! And meanwhile, hang in there! Red

 

[dougofpa]

Use this line: Look honey, you got two choices..you can get mad or you can GET OVER IT.....Then walk out the door and go...it's as easy as that.

Enough said.

 

[Treasure finder]

Stay single and raise your kids that way too!
Rich