Re: "MAIL BOX FINDS CHANGE ME TO A LOCAL FROM WISCONSIN"
HOW TO SAVE YOUR Butt IF YOU PLAN TO VISIT WISCONSIN THIS SUMMER
ISSUED BY THE WISCONSIN BUREAU OF TOURISM TO ALL VISITORS:
1) Don't order Filet Mignon or Pasta Primavera at Al's Lodge. It's a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If
you upset the ladies in the kitchen, they'll kick your butt.
2) Don't laugh at the names of our little towns (Sheboygan, Menomonee, Nekoosa, Prairie du Chien, etc.) or we will just have to kick your butt.
3) Don't order a bottle or a can of pop here. Here it's called "soda." Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an butt kicking.
4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you are. We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a
bunch of hicks or we'll kick your butt.
5) We have plenty of business sense. You have to to make a living here. Naturally, we do sometimes have small lapses in judgment from time to
time, but we are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate and let her win. If someone tried to do that, we would kick her butt.
6) Don't laugh at our giant fiberglass fish and cows. Anything that inspires tourists to buy 50,000 postcards can't be bad. And don't laugh at our love
and pride of cheese or we'll kick your butt.
7) We are fully aware of how cold it gets here in the winter, so shut up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here or we'll kick your butt.
8) Don't order the vegetarian special at the local diner. Everyone will instantly know that you're a tourist. Eat your steak rare like God intended
and have some potatoes with that, for heaven's sake! Also, don't ask what a hot dish is or we'll kick your butt.
9) Don't try to fake a Wisconsin accent. We don't have an accent. That will incite a riot and you will get your butt kicked.
10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited big-city hell-holes , and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, interstate 90, 94 and 43 are ready when you are. Move your butt on home
before it gets kicked.
11) Don't complain that Wisconsin has too many mosquitoes and farmland. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty we'll kick your butt all the way back to
Chicago.
12) Don't ridicule our manners. We only speak when spoken to. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet, little gray-haired grandmothers or they will kick some manners into your butt just like they did ours.
13) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live on the farm or in the woods? That's because we have enough sense to not live in
filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools big cities. Make fun of our fresh air and we'll kick your butt .
14) Oshkosh B'gosh is NOT a joke. Your butt will be kicked.
15) The Green Bay Packers are not a joke. God created the greatest football dynasty ever and placed it in Green Bay. Any jokes about the Packers or
Vince Lombardi will result in a severe and unrelenting butt kicking.
16) If you are from Atlanta, for your own safety, say you are from somewhere else, lest you get your butt kicked. (Take three sports franchises from
Milwaukee and we have a tendency to hold a grudge.)
17) If you are looking for a water fountain, you'll need to go to a park. Water comes out of bubblers here. Make a joke about it, and you guessed
it, another butt kicking.
18) Sausage Races are cool. Make fun of it, and one of the Sausages will come up from the field of Miller Park and lay down a 8 foot sausage butt
kicking on you.
19) The University of Wisconsin is the oldest, best school in the Big Ten. Any jokes about the quality of UW will result in Barry Alvarez, Ron Dayne,
Dick Bennett, Bo Ryan, Crazylegs Hirsch, Alan Ameche, Pat Richter, and any able bodied UW students assisting Bucky Badger in his class, Butt-Kicking 101.
20) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come out here and tell us that hunting is cruelty to animals and venison is not edible meat. This will get your buttshot (after it is kicked). Say this twice and you will go home in a pine box. Minus your butt.
Now enjoy your visit and then go home!