Az Old Noob
Jr. Member
I had a date the other night at my place. On the phone the day
before, the girl asked me to 'Cook her something she's never had
before for dinner ' .
After many minutes of scratching my head over what to make,
I finally settled on something she has DEFINITELY never eaten.
I got out my trusty case of MRE's. Meal, Ready-to-Eat. Field rations
that when eaten in their entirety contain 3000+ calories. Here's
what I made:
I took three of the Ham Slices out of their plastic packets,
took out three of the Pork Chops, three packets of Chicken-a-la-
King, and eight packets of dehydrated butter noodles and some
dehydrated/rehydrat ed rice. I cooked the Ham Slices and Pork
Chops in one pan, sauteed in shaved garlic and olive oil.
In another pot, I blended the Chicken a-la-king, noodles, and rice
together to make a sort of mush that looked suspiciously like
succotash. I added some spices, and blended everything together
in a glass pan that I then cooked in the oven for about 35 minutes
at 450 degrees.
When I took it out, it looked like, well, ham slices, pork chops,
and a bed of yellow poop. I covered the tops of the meat in the
MRE cheese (kind of like Velveeta) and added some green sprinkly
thingys from one of my spice cans (hey, if it's got green sprinkly
thingys on it, it looks fancy right?)
For dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes, mashed 'em up, added five
packets of cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and some water. I
heated it up and stirred it until it looked like a sort of chunky
gelatinous organism, and I sprinkled powdered sugar on top of it.
Voila--Ranger Pudding.
For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle of Military
Special Vodka (yes, they DO make a type of liquor named 'Military
Special'--it sells for $4.35 per fifth) and mixed in four packets
of 'Electrolytes - 1 each - Cherry flavoured' (I swear, the packet
says that). It looked like an eerie kool-aid with sparkles in it
(that was the electrolytes I guess.....or it coulda been leftover
sand from Egypt, either way).
I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers in the middle, and
set the table with my best set of Ralph Lauren Academy-series China
(that shit is EXPENSIVE... my set of 8 place settings cost me over
$600), and put the alcoholic drink in a crystal wine decanter.
She came over, and I had some appetizers already made, of MRE
spaghetti-with- meatballs, set in small cups. She saw the dinner,
saw the food, and said 'This looks INCREDIBLE!! !'
We dug in, and she was loving the food. Throughout the meal, she
kept asking me how long it took me to make it, and kept remarking
that I obviously knew a thing or two about cooking fine meals. She
kind of balked at the makeshift 'wine' I had set out, but after
she tried it I guess she liked it because she drank four glasses
during dinner.
At the end of the main course, when I served the dessert, she
squealed with delight at the 'Chocolate mousse' I had made. Huh?
Chocolate what? Okay... yeah... it's Chocolate Moose. Took me
HOURS to make... yup.
Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused herself to use
my restroom. While she was in there, I heard her say softly to
herself 'uh oh' and a resounding but petite fart punctuated her
utterance of dismay.
Let the games begin. She sprayed about half a can of air freshener
(Air Freshener, 1 each, Orange scent. Yup. The Army even makes
smellgood) and returned to the couch, this time with an obvious
pained look.
After 10 more minutes she excused herself again, and retreated to
the bathroom for the second time. I could hear her say 'What the
hell is WRONG with me
,' as she again send flatulent shockwaves
into the porcelain bowl. This time, they sounded kinda wet, and I
heard the toilet paper roll being employed, and again, LOTS more
air freshener.
Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as she decides to sit on the
chair instead of next to me. She sits on my chair, knees pulled up
to her chest, kind of rocking back and forth slightly. Suddenly,
without a word, she ROCKETED up and FLEW to the bathroom, slammed
the door, and didn't come out for 30 minutes.
I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to hear me laughing
so hard that tears were streaming down my cheeks. She came out
with a slightly gray palor to her face, and said 'I am SOOOOOO
sorry. I have NO idea what is wrong with me. I am so embarrassed,
I can't believe I keep running to your bathroom!!' I gave her an
Imodium AD, and she finally settled down and relaxed.
Later on, she asked me again what I had made for dinner, because
she had enjoyed it so much. I calmly took her into the kitchen
and showed her all the used MRE bags and packets in the trash can.
After explaining to her that she had eaten roughly 9,000 calories
of 'Army food' she turned stark white, looked at me incredulously,
and said 'I ate 9,000 calories of dehydrated food that was made
3 years ago?' After I concurred, she grabbed her coat and keys,
and took off without a word.
She called me yesterday. Seems she couldn't crap for 3 days, and
when she finally did, the smell was so bad, her roommate could
smell it from down the hall. She also told me she had been working
out nonstop to combat the high caloric intake, and that she never
wanted me to cook dinner for her again, unless she was PERSONALLY
there to inspect the food beforehand.
It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually, and said that
that was the first time she'd ever crapped in a guy's house on a
date. She'd been so upset by it she was in tears in the bathroom
while I had been in tears on the couch.
I know, I'm an asshole, but it was still a funny night.
before, the girl asked me to 'Cook her something she's never had
before for dinner ' .
After many minutes of scratching my head over what to make,
I finally settled on something she has DEFINITELY never eaten.
I got out my trusty case of MRE's. Meal, Ready-to-Eat. Field rations
that when eaten in their entirety contain 3000+ calories. Here's
what I made:
I took three of the Ham Slices out of their plastic packets,
took out three of the Pork Chops, three packets of Chicken-a-la-
King, and eight packets of dehydrated butter noodles and some
dehydrated/rehydrat ed rice. I cooked the Ham Slices and Pork
Chops in one pan, sauteed in shaved garlic and olive oil.
In another pot, I blended the Chicken a-la-king, noodles, and rice
together to make a sort of mush that looked suspiciously like
succotash. I added some spices, and blended everything together
in a glass pan that I then cooked in the oven for about 35 minutes
at 450 degrees.
When I took it out, it looked like, well, ham slices, pork chops,
and a bed of yellow poop. I covered the tops of the meat in the
MRE cheese (kind of like Velveeta) and added some green sprinkly
thingys from one of my spice cans (hey, if it's got green sprinkly
thingys on it, it looks fancy right?)
For dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes, mashed 'em up, added five
packets of cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and some water. I
heated it up and stirred it until it looked like a sort of chunky
gelatinous organism, and I sprinkled powdered sugar on top of it.
Voila--Ranger Pudding.
For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle of Military
Special Vodka (yes, they DO make a type of liquor named 'Military
Special'--it sells for $4.35 per fifth) and mixed in four packets
of 'Electrolytes - 1 each - Cherry flavoured' (I swear, the packet
says that). It looked like an eerie kool-aid with sparkles in it
(that was the electrolytes I guess.....or it coulda been leftover
sand from Egypt, either way).
I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers in the middle, and
set the table with my best set of Ralph Lauren Academy-series China
(that shit is EXPENSIVE... my set of 8 place settings cost me over
$600), and put the alcoholic drink in a crystal wine decanter.
She came over, and I had some appetizers already made, of MRE
spaghetti-with- meatballs, set in small cups. She saw the dinner,
saw the food, and said 'This looks INCREDIBLE!! !'
We dug in, and she was loving the food. Throughout the meal, she
kept asking me how long it took me to make it, and kept remarking
that I obviously knew a thing or two about cooking fine meals. She
kind of balked at the makeshift 'wine' I had set out, but after
she tried it I guess she liked it because she drank four glasses
during dinner.
At the end of the main course, when I served the dessert, she
squealed with delight at the 'Chocolate mousse' I had made. Huh?
Chocolate what? Okay... yeah... it's Chocolate Moose. Took me
HOURS to make... yup.
Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused herself to use
my restroom. While she was in there, I heard her say softly to
herself 'uh oh' and a resounding but petite fart punctuated her
utterance of dismay.
Let the games begin. She sprayed about half a can of air freshener
(Air Freshener, 1 each, Orange scent. Yup. The Army even makes
smellgood) and returned to the couch, this time with an obvious
pained look.
After 10 more minutes she excused herself again, and retreated to
the bathroom for the second time. I could hear her say 'What the
hell is WRONG with me
,' as she again send flatulent shockwavesinto the porcelain bowl. This time, they sounded kinda wet, and I
heard the toilet paper roll being employed, and again, LOTS more
air freshener.
Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as she decides to sit on the
chair instead of next to me. She sits on my chair, knees pulled up
to her chest, kind of rocking back and forth slightly. Suddenly,
without a word, she ROCKETED up and FLEW to the bathroom, slammed
the door, and didn't come out for 30 minutes.
I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to hear me laughing
so hard that tears were streaming down my cheeks. She came out
with a slightly gray palor to her face, and said 'I am SOOOOOO
sorry. I have NO idea what is wrong with me. I am so embarrassed,
I can't believe I keep running to your bathroom!!' I gave her an
Imodium AD, and she finally settled down and relaxed.
Later on, she asked me again what I had made for dinner, because
she had enjoyed it so much. I calmly took her into the kitchen
and showed her all the used MRE bags and packets in the trash can.
After explaining to her that she had eaten roughly 9,000 calories
of 'Army food' she turned stark white, looked at me incredulously,
and said 'I ate 9,000 calories of dehydrated food that was made
3 years ago?' After I concurred, she grabbed her coat and keys,
and took off without a word.
She called me yesterday. Seems she couldn't crap for 3 days, and
when she finally did, the smell was so bad, her roommate could
smell it from down the hall. She also told me she had been working
out nonstop to combat the high caloric intake, and that she never
wanted me to cook dinner for her again, unless she was PERSONALLY
there to inspect the food beforehand.
It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually, and said that
that was the first time she'd ever crapped in a guy's house on a
date. She'd been so upset by it she was in tears in the bathroom
while I had been in tears on the couch.
I know, I'm an asshole, but it was still a funny night.
