Consoling a non-religious friend

[Immy]

This isn't meant to be a religious post and not being a Charter member, I don't have access to the Religion board so I would deeply appreciate if this could be left here, cuz I'd like some advice.

My close friend of 25 years has known no religion her entire life. I once brought up some examples of my beliefs and her reaction was similar to someone being told a fairy tale. So I never brought it up again and it was never an issue from that point on. I have my beliefs, she chooses to live life without. To each their own.

As we age we are both facing the deaths of loved ones. I lost my father in 2008 and she faces losing a dear uncle soon (he's in hospice). In my case, my faith got me through the worst of it but I worry that my friend doesn't have that source of strength and will take these losses much harder.

What can I say to help her relieve the pain she's bound to experience? "He's in God's hands" won't register with her, nor something as simple as "He's in a better place now." I thought of "He's out of pain" and stressing good memories, but that'll only go so far.

Any ideas?

 

Amazon Forum Fav 👍

A History of Mining on the Kenai Peninsula, Alaska - Grab it through Amazon!

[dirt doctor]

I think I would tell her that you were very sorry for her loss and you wish you had the words to console her and tell her to try to think about the pleasant memories she had of her Uncle .With what is going on she may start to question the meaning of life more , sometimes death or an impending one will do that . She may become more open to seeking the relief that believing in God brings .She is lucky to have a friend like you who sticks with her even though you have different beliefs . Good luck with this .

 

[Immy]

From what I understand, her entire family is like her. I can already tell the effect just thinking about it has on her, even in her voice.

That's one angle I hadn't thought of doc, that this may spur her to explore.

Thanks for the kind words and help all! Keep em coming!

 

[RGINN]

Kind of like dirt doctor's advice. Sometimes it's good just to be there, too, and you don't really need to say much of nothin at all.

 

[spartacus53]

You mentioned that you only brought up your beliefs one time in the 25 years of friendship, but never gave a timeline. Was it 5 years ago, 10, 20, 25?

Even leaving religion out, the best way to show your support is just to be there, listen, and help when you're needed..That is all you can do without feeling like you're over strpping your bounds.

 

[Immy]

You mentioned that you only brought up your beliefs one time in the 25 years of friendship, but never gave a timeline. Was it 5 years ago, 10, 20, 25?

It was pretty early on, maybe in the first five years.

I'm hoping the right words will just come. Her family will be a great comfort but she confides a lot in me that she doesn't tell them.

 

[naturegirl]

What rginn and spartacus said- just be there, and listen. don't worry about pre-planned words, if YOU believe, then the right words will be given to you at the right time. Maybe something going on here to build your faith, huh?

lisa

 

[jeff of pa]

I'll Speak from My Expierences since I
believe I Have the same attitiude as Her

When My Mother Died, My aunt (Her sister)
tried to feed me all that stuff,
giving me Flyers, Etc. from the Church.
They went right in The trash, as I flew off the Handle at her.

Preaching to me at that time caused anger for Obvious reasons I won't Go into here, as this is Not the religon
forum.

When My father died, The only thing I wanted was,
to Get over it the Best I could.

Things Like "I'm sorry to hear This" & "I'm here"
were the Best Comments & were Comforting Enough.

not Harping on the whole thing day after day,
and just letting me grieve my way, was Real comfort

 

[stefen]

There are many people that have different religious perspectives...having said that, And being a non-christain, I find its extremely offensive when someone states that the person that has passed is now with Jesus...

That is very insensitive when one makes themselves better that their non-christain (or non-religious) friends.

it's more meaningful to offer understanding and support and maybe a shoulder, or simply a hug...

This is all about a friends loss...

 

[Bum Luck]

One doesn't have to conventionally 'religious' to be spiritual or what I call a decent person. There are many religions in the world, and many other viewpoints that are no less valid, since I think everyone is free to decide for themselves what to believe in.

Chances are, if she's your friend, you've got a spiritual connection of some sort with her, and use that connection to console her. Just be natural and non-denominational. Rginn and dirt doctor have excellent suggestions.

You'll do fine.

 

[Kentucky Kache]

One doesn't have to conventionally 'religious' to be spiritual or what I call a decent person. There are many religions in the world, and many other viewpoints that are no less valid, since I think everyone is free to decide for themselves what to believe in.

Chances are, if she's your friend, you've got a spiritual connection of some sort with her, and use that connection to console her. Just be natural and non-denominational. Rginn and dirt doctor have excellent suggestions.

You'll do fine.

That's the key. But it has to come from within...you can't fake it. It has to be what you are.

 

[hikerchick]

I am non religious, but it is arrogant for anyone to assume that I have chosen to live life without beliefs. I have beliefs. They are just not centered on religion. I don't take death any harder than my religious friends. I would be insulted, honestly, if my religious friends assumed that. Why would I? I have my own values and spiritual beliefs. I just don't believe in religion. I find it really annoying when people say they will pray for me, as if they feel that something is missing in my life. Nothing is missing. I think people who assume I am missing the boat unless I decide to believe what they believe are very arrogant.

Just be there, listen to her, and accept her the way she is. That will offer true comfort.

 

[truckinbutch]

I have been your friend for 25 years . I am still your friend . I will be here for you with a shoulder to lean on should you need it .
No words need be said . Share your pain with me as some day I may call upon you to share mine .
There is no need for religion , or lack of it , to interfere with a time tested friendship .

 

[Michigan Badger]

Here's my position on this and I make no claims to being without error on any issue.

I usually don't comment in any religious thread because quite frankly I can't stand them. I have found it a full time job just trying to keep myself straight. So outside a very rare post such as this I usually try my best to get along with everyone. Some of my dearest friends strongly disagree with what I'll write here. But I respect their views and we still love each other.

Okay, you asked for it.

Never lie to people. Always be honest, but in being honest, don't say what doesn't really need to be said. I learned a long time ago not to ALWAYS say everything I think.

Your friend doesn't want religion. Most people today don't. Don't use this time of hurt to hurl religious comments at her. She will see that as taking advantage of her in a time when she really needs comfort. Just weep with those who weep and leave it at that. Sometimes the best thing to say is nothing at all. Just be there to listen and help anyway you can.

Religion is something one usually grows up into and develops a taste for gradually over time. I've discovered that many times people hate it because someone in the past who was religious really hurt them. Lets face it; there are way too many hypocrites these days.

But I'm getting up there in age and today I see things very differently than when I was young. From my perspective there are three (not two) views of life. There is on one extreme the very popular atheistic view and at the other extreme the less popular religious view. Then there is a very rare view not well known. This view is neither religious nor atheistic. It is the worship of the Person of Jesus Christ and really has nothing to do with the general run of world religions (which are all basically the same). Religion is more about certain works and man-made religious practices. It lends itself to self-righteousness and hypocrisy. It's a lot of people trying hard to believe they're right and everyone else is wrong. Religion has caused more trouble in the world than atheism could ever do. Remember, it was the religious who sent Jesus Christ to the cross, not atheists.

As for making people into believers it can't be done. Jesus Christ Himself never tried to talk people into accepting Him. In fact, there is not a single text in the Christian Bible telling anyone to accept Christ in order to be saved. The modern day teaching of preaching so people say some religious words is of man's making. What Christ taught may be found it these (and more) verses: John 6:36-40,44; 10:27-30. Jesus made it clear that all the Father had given Him would come to Him (or believe on Him).

Jesus told us that it's impossible for those not given to Him to believe: again John 10:26.

This modern day Jesus Hawker "soul winning" religious stuff that goes on today in unscriptural. By the way, "soul winning" as it is in the Bible has absolutely nothing to do with getting people saved. The text is: Proverbs 11:30 and in context has to do with living a life of wisdom so others also live wisely and don't ruin their lives.

That's it and no more discussions (with me) on this subject please.

I hope it goes well for you and your friend.

 

[Immy]

"Your friend doesn't want religion. Most people today don't. Don't use this time of hurt to hurl religious comments at her."

Just to be clear, I never considered this option. Our relationship is solid enough without injecting a hot button topic like this where it's not wanted.

Thanks for your thoughtful comments MB but your inclusion of Scripture quotes might just get this thread moved to the Religion board, which I don't have access to.

 

[Saturna]

In my case, my faith got me through the worst of it but I worry that my friend doesn't have that source of strength and will take these losses much harder.

Don't think for a second that someone who is non-religious can't 'handle' things or needs a faith in a deity to be able to cope with loss like this.

Something true to one person can be just a fairy tale to someone else. You don't believe in every single faith out there, do you ?


She simply doesn't believe in yours, and will be able to get through this without it. I fully commend you for recognizing her position and respecting it.

 

[Tony66]

I have been your friend for 25 years . I am still your friend . I will be here for you with a shoulder to lean on should you need it .
No words need be said . Share your pain with me as some day I may call upon you to share mine .
There is no need for religion , or lack of it , to interfere with a time tested friendship .

Immy, I wanted to offer my condolence to your friend and try to help but TButch said it best, to offer anything else would be an injustice to the above quote.

 

[stefen]

well stated