new crop

jeff of pa · May 10, 2012

Number One Idiot
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
poison control center.
Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little
daughter eating ants.
I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would
be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital.
She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention
that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.
I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.
Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Number Two Idiot

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to
steal a life raft from one of the 747s.
They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home.
Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a
Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them.
It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator
beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.
They are no longer employed at Boeing.
Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Three Idiot

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the
Branch and wrote this, "Put all your muny in this bag.";
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he
began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call
the police before he reached the teller's window.
So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank.
After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller.
She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the
brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his
stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip
and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip
or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left.
He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at
Bank of America .
Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Four Idiot

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that
measured his speed using radar and photographed his car.
He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car.
Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.
Several days later, he received a letter from the police that
contained another picture, this time of handcuffs.
He immediately mailed in his $40.
Wise guy ... But you still get a sign.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Five Idiot

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded
all of the cash from the cash drawer.
After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of
Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the
cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and
said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21.";
The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him
because she didn't believe him.
At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet
and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21
and she put the Scotch in the bag.
The robber then ran from the store with his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address
of the robber that he got off the license.
They arrested the robber two hours later.
This guy definitely needs a sign.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Six

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.
The first one shouted, "Nobody move!";
When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
This guy doesn't even deserve a sign.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Seven

Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly.
He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store
window, grab some booze, and run.
So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the
window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious.
It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass.
The whole event was caught on videotape.
Yep, here's your sign.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Eight

I live in a semi-rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative
office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.
The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here ! I don't
think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.";
Take the sign - Please!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Stay Alert! They walk among us ...

Everyone should start carrying $2 bills!

I'm STILL laughing!!

I think we need to quit saving our $2 bills and bring them out in

public.

The younger generation doesn't even know they exist!

STORY:

On my way home from work, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to

eat.

I have a $50 bill and a $2 bill. I figure with the $2 bill, I can get

something to eat and not have to worry about irritating anyone for

trying to break a $50 bill.

Me: 'Hi, I'd like one seven-layer burrito please, to go.' Server:

'That'll be $1.04. Eat in?'

Me: 'No, it's to go.' At this point, I open my billfold and hand him

the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny.

Server: 'Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right t back.' He goes to talk to

his manager, who is still within my earshot.

The following conversation occurs between the two of them:

Server: 'Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?'

Manager: 'No. A what?'

Server: 'A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me...'

Manager: 'Ask for something else. There's no such thing as a $2 bill.'

Server: 'Yeah, thought so.'

He comes back to me and says, 'We don't take these.

Do you have anything else?'

Me: 'Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?

Server: 'I don't know.'

Me: 'See here where it says legal tender?'

Server: 'Yeah.'

Me: 'So, why won't you take it?'

Server: 'Well, hang on a sec.'

He goes back to his manager, who has been watching me like I'm a

shoplifter, and says to him, 'He says I have to take it.'

Manager: 'Doesn't he have anything else?'

Server: 'Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get

change.

Manager: 'I'm not opening the safe with him in here.'

Server: 'What should I do?'

Manager: 'Tell him to come back later when he has real money.'

Server: 'I can't tell him that! You tell him.'

Manager: 'Just tell him.'

Server: 'No way! This is weird. I'm going in back.

The manager approaches me and says, 'I'm sorry, but we don't take big

bills this time of night.'

Me: 'It's only seven o'clock! Well then, here's a two dollar bill.'

Manager: 'We don't take those, either.'

Me: 'Why not?'

Manager: 'I think you know why.'

Me: 'No really, tell me why.'

Manager 'Please leave before I call mall security.'

Me: 'Excuse me?'

Manager: 'Please leave before I call mall security.'

Me: 'What on earth for?'

Manager: 'Please, sir..'

Me: 'Uh, go ahead, call them.'

Manager: 'Would you please just leave?'

Me: 'No.'

Manager: 'Fine -- have it your way then.'

Me: 'Hey, that's Burger King, isn't it?'

At this point, he backs away from me and calls mall security on the

phone around the corner. I have two people staring at me from the

dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect.

A few minutes later this 45-year-oldish guy comes in.

Guard: 'Yeah, Mike, what's up?'

Manager (whispering): 'This guy is trying to give me some (pause) funny

money.'

Guard: 'No kidding! What?'

Manager: 'Get this. A two dollar bill.'

Guard (incredulous): 'Why would a guy fake a two dollar bill?'

Manager: 'I don't know. He's kinda weird. He says the only other thing

he has is a fifty.'

Guard: 'Oh, so the fifty's fake!'

Manager: 'No, the two dollar bill is.'

Guard: 'Why would he fake a two dollar bill?'

Manager : 'I don't know! Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?'

Guard: 'Yeah.'

Security Guard walks over to me and......

Guard: 'Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to

use.'

Me: 'Uh, no.'

Guard: 'Lemme see 'em.'

Me: 'Why?'

Guard: 'Do you want me t o get the cops in here?'

At this point I'm ready to say, 'Sure, please!' but I want to eat, so I

say, 'I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this two

dollar bill. I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I'm

taking a swing at him. He takes the bill turns it over a few times in

his hands, and he says,

Guard: 'Hey, Mike, what's wrong with this bill?'

Manager: 'It's fake.'

Guard: 'It doesn't look fake to me.'

Manager: 'But it's a two dollar bill.'

Guard: 'Yeah? '

Manager: 'Well, there's no such thing, is there?'

The security guard and I both look at him like he's an idiot and it

dawns on the guy that he has no clue and is an idiot. So, it turns out

that my burrito was free, and he threw in a small drink and some of

those cinnamon thingies, too.

Made me want to get a whole stack of two dollar bills just to see what

happens when I try to buy stuff.

stefen · May 10, 2012

Need these guys to join the Idiot Sign Club and for joining they get a free vasectomy...everybody comes away a winner... :laughing7:

Chadeaux · May 10, 2012

Friend of mine was dumping some 50 cent pieces left over after coin roll hunting. Went into Mc Donalds to get a biscuit sandwich and coffee. The young lady behind the counter informed him that McD won't accept foreign money. My friend asked if she had ever seen the guy on the coin before, she said no.

Now, here in this part of the south every (and I mean EVERY) elderly negro family has two pictures in their home. One is Martin Luther King and the other is John F. Kennedy.

So, he asked her whose pictures were on her grandmother's wall. She started naming off relatives. He said: "No, whose pictures are there that you are not related to? Two famous people. Think for a minute." She said there were pictures of other people but she didn't know who they were.

I once again handed her the 6 Kennedys and told her to go see the manager. The look was priceless when she got the answer. She came back, gave him his change, but would not apologize.

stefen · May 10, 2012

There is no cure for stupidity except cleansing of the gene pool...

And for those too inept to understand, that doesn't mean adding chlorine...

And its in reference to genetics and not Eugene (Gene or Jean)...

Geez, I'm ready for a nap...

nsdq · May 11, 2012

man and i swear a three dollar bill is real it has clinton on it so it must be

stefen · May 11, 2012

nsdq said:
man and i swear a three dollar bill is real it has clinton on it so it must be

In the banking community they are call "Luwinski's"...they are for people that are down and out....

nsdq · May 12, 2012

stefen said:
In the banking community they are call "Luwinski's"...they are for people that are down and out....

aleast where not talking the cigar incident

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