My Visit to Seattle

[Monty]

I am just now winding down from my visit to Seattle and getting ready to go home and thought I would reflect on Seattle lifestyles.
First off, people in Seattle are way too healthy. No one eats red meat except tourists and no one knows how to cook or not cook a bloody rare steak. I ate 3 prime rib steaks in Seattle,(my favorite), all charred to death and burned to the consistency of an old shoe sole. They tasted like charcoal briquettes, no, charcoal is better with a little Heinz 57 on it! Everyone in the restaurant suddenly stopped talking and stared when I ordered my steak. It was scary! I felt like the Frankenstein monster must have felt when the town mob was coming! The waitress shrieked aloud, "Eeeeek! A rare steak"! After the other patrons froze momentarily they began whispering with their mouthes covered with a hand and the din was unbearable. A few even got a rabid look in their eyes and dribbled a bit of fish or chicken down their chins, apparently ready to string me up if I made a false move! When my order arrived everyone stopped eating and just watched me. Try as I might I couldn't disguise that crunch as I ate my rare burned to a crisp steak.
Every thing smells like fish! The seashore, the restaurants, even many of the people smell like fish! I'm pretty sure I saw some people with gills. I bought some deodorant and it smelled like fish! There's definitely something fishy going on here! Everyone is tall......real tall. My neck hurt from looking up all the time! If it hadn't been for my family I would never have seen the top of anyone's head. That's good if you are bald. No one can tell cause they can't see the tops of anyone's head!
The street bums in Seattle are a much higher class street bum than in Oklahoma. Since they all smell like fish they don't really stink like the ones at home. Instead of asking for change, they ask for ten bucks. One asked for twenty bucks because he had a date! Several times I heard," Hey buddy, you got ten bucks for a lattee"? I told one bum I only had a hundred dollar bill and he said, "No problem, I can make change"! One bum saw me walk by in my normal street clothes and gave me a dollar! I took it and bummed another eight to buy a lattee!
Tip jars! They are everywhere! I couldn't figure it out. I saw several on retail sales counters! They wanted me to tip them for taking my money? I bought a sandwich in a curbside diner and it cost me ten bucks. All I had was a hundred dollar bill and the waitress looked down her nose at me asked me if I wanted change back! I said of course, and pretended to stuff a ten into the tip jar as I took out two! I felt kinda' bad about it until the waitress met me in the parking lot with a gun and her panty hose stretched over her head and mugged me! I recognized her by all the tattoos and metal objects sticking out of her face. I called the police and got a parking ticket. Well, more later gotta' run for now. Monty

 

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[stoney56]

ROFL so hard I'm speechless.

 

[buscadero]

Excellent! Monty, You've hit the ole Nail right on the Head! That's the Seattle we know!

I suppose you know the Seattle C of C. People are looking for you, & it's not to let you Open the 3 millionth Starbucks within their City Limits alone.


Loved it, JOE

 

[gord]

ROFL
You should have asked for the steak done 'blue' - west of Ontario they don't even know the term, so I always told them 'knock off the horns, slap it on the a## and put it on the plate'. That would have cleared the place out!
Gord

 

[Jeffro]

Seattle- your visit sounds much like my visit....

Tell me you didn't meet any musicians or artists there, and I'll swear you made this up!

(Here's a hint- the musicians have more steel in their face than the artists )

 

[hollowpointred]

hahahaha! nice story. im with ya on the tip jar thing. they recently opened a dunkin donuts around my way. when you go through the drive through theres a friggin tip jar in the window. now dont get me wrong, i have no problem tipping someone for good service, but at a drivethrough! its not like they brought my coffee out to the car. i drove around to get it! they ought to tip me! i just cant tip someone for handing something out of a friggin window..........sorry for the rant! im a little on edge today!

 

[Monty]

Continuing: Street corner entertainers are everywhere, some rather good, many very bad. The ones who can't carry a tune in a bucket make up for it with loud! There was one guy who played hell out of a guitar and sang and the acoustics were such that you could hear him for a mile! I couldn't make out a word he said in the various songs, but they all sounded alike anyway. An oriental family eating at a nearby table had a poodle that howled in time to the music. I dropped a fiver on their table! That dog was good! None of the entertainers will make eye conact with you but stare off into space somewhere as if zonked on drugs, and it was because they probably were! I approached one guy who I thought was especially good, held up three bucks and asked if he could play a certain popular tune. He said he would as soon as he got off break. Three songs later I asked what about my song and he said he was still on break! Who knew besides him? He told me to hum a few bars for him and I did. He gave me four bucks and told me to find my own spot! I don't know what that meant You have to have a license to be a street performer and you have to stand or sit on a specific spot designated by a number painted on the sidewalk. I noticed a lot of numbers painted with no entertainer there, just a street bum wrapped up in a blanket. I asked one guy who was peeking out from under a blanket with one eye where the street entertainer was. He said , Oh that's me, I live here!
Fish throwers? Where were they? I only saw one guy throw a fish. He threw it at another guy and they had a fist fight right there! After throwing a few punches and rolling around in the fish slime, the cops came. They took the fish into custody and left the two guys to pick up all the dollar bills that the crowd had thrown into the melee. I asked an important looking guy if he was the manager and if that fight was staged. He said no, it was a spontaneous fisht fight!
There are no smoking signs painted on everything. One gal had one painted on her butt and I guarantee those tight jeans were smoking! I have been trying to quit but when the urges strikes I had to find a spot that wasn't covered with no smoking signs. One place in particular was crowded with smokers. It was between the garbage cans and what I think was the rotten fish pickup truck? The odor was horrible but you had to stand in line to cop a smoke without being lynched by an angry mob of healthy tall people! It was my favorite spot! Besides the line was shortest behind the overflowing port-a-john.
Rental Cars: They rip you off. I should have got suspicious when everyone in line except me was there to complain about getting overcharged. I of course got over charged. The first car I got was dirty, had one hub cap missing, no spare, a door wouldn't stay closed and worse of all I had to have it jump started the next morning! Just to be obnoxious on purpose, It was ALAMO car rentals. The service guy who jump started it said not to shut the motor off or I wouldn't get back to the rental desk. The guy at the rental desk said I was supposed to fill it up with gas. Since I couldn't shut the motor off I couldn't refill it with gas and besides I still had over 3/4 of a tank of gas because I hadn't been able to drive it anywhere. I told the rental clerk this and he said , OK I won't charge you for the gas. He charged me for the gas when I dropped off the replacement car! The service lady said they would reimburse me for the $40.00 service charge to jump start the vehicle but when I turned the car in, the guy who was oriental suddenly couldn't speak English! All he could say was, "You pay now"! I paid now just to get the hell out of that rip off place before I missed my flight! It cost me $34.00 for five gallons of gas and $44.00 for having the privilege of limping a faulty vehicle into the rental place! I am going to write a strong protest letter to the company headquarters but I am not holding my breath until they reimburse me. I may start a campaign to get even with the car rental place and my motto might be something catchy, like....oh, I don't know,.....how about "Remember the Alamo!"
That about sums up the gist of my trip to Seattle. The weather was nice, the people were mostly nice and friendly although really too tall and healthy for their own good. Next time I am going to carry a tip jar along with me everywhere I go and see if I can't make a few bucks for just being stupid! Monty

 

[hollowpointred]

nice story! except for the car rental part. that part makes me mad! keep on those #@!$%#@!s, and whatever you do, dont rent another car from them ( THEY ARE PROBABLY OWNED BY FRIGGIN AL KAIDA (sp)). at any rate, im glad you had a (fairly) good trip and that your back in one piece!

 

[Cannonman17]

My wife's good friend is from Seattle- she spent the weekend here on our couch (in my spot). Now that she's gone I catch a wiff of fish when I sit down in my spot...for the reord she's neither tall or healthy and my wife doesn't surf tnet.

 

[Rustbelt Rosie]

Monty, you are a scream!! I love your stories, please keep writing them. I lived in the Pac NW for years, migrated back to the East and after reading your accounts of your visit, I am LMAO because your perspective is so on target. You tend to get used to this unique area when you live there but I remember my first couple of months there and it was like being dropped on to another planet. You really do need to write a book, you are one funny guy!
Thanks for the grins!
My best~
Rustbelt Rosie

 

[Burdie]

Now that is the Monty I know!!! Your the man on humor thanks for the post. Burdie