snakeyes
Sr. Member
- Jan 4, 2007
- 493
- 114
- Detector(s) used
- don't laugh viper trident/ E.Trac
- Primary Interest:
- Metal Detecting
DO NOT read this if you have to pee....
>
>
> I went to the Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure
> that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening
> I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're
> definitely going to P** yourself' roadkill chili. Tasty stuff,
> albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written
> guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt
> cheeks WILL fall off.
>
> Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two
> cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened.. No
> 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way
> through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning
> symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.
> Knowing that a time
> of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set
> off for the Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the
> den.
>
> Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart
> and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't
> until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that
> the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm
> talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, p**, gotta go'
> pain that always seems to hit us
> at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The
> habaneros in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt.
>
> In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small
> intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before
> I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would
> bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.
>
> There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly
> enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been
> recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor
> might escape me.
> Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of
> my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red
> aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help. I
> don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction
> would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate. Have
> you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's
> what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to
> relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply
> watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently
> indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before
> gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and
> waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry
> bees.. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me
> laugh.. .......BIG mistake!!!!!
>
> Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped
> down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive
> issue burst forth from my nether region.. Some were so loud and
> echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked,
> fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
> Suddenly things were no longer funny.. 'It' was coming, and I raced
> off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the
> whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion
> took place. Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to
> the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet
> seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging.
> One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the
> true meaning of 'Shock and Awe' . He made a gagging sound, and
> disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate
> it?', then quickly left.
>
> Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled
> cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee
> approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a
> few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the
> store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a
> minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.' My smirking
> of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The
> employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover
> his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S
> YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was
> unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly
> not to return. Home again without my supplies, I realized that there
> was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls.
> The next day I went to shop at Lowe's. I can't say anymore about that
> because we are in court over the whole matter.
> --deleted--s claim they're going to have to repaint the store..
_________________
>
>
> I went to the Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure
> that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening
> I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're
> definitely going to P** yourself' roadkill chili. Tasty stuff,
> albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written
> guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt
> cheeks WILL fall off.
>
> Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two
> cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened.. No
> 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way
> through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning
> symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.
> Knowing that a time
> of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set
> off for the Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the
> den.
>
> Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart
> and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't
> until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that
> the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm
> talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, p**, gotta go'
> pain that always seems to hit us
> at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The
> habaneros in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt.
>
> In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small
> intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before
> I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would
> bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.
>
> There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly
> enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been
> recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor
> might escape me.
> Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of
> my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red
> aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help. I
> don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction
> would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate. Have
> you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's
> what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to
> relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply
> watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently
> indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before
> gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and
> waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry
> bees.. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me
> laugh.. .......BIG mistake!!!!!
>
> Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped
> down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive
> issue burst forth from my nether region.. Some were so loud and
> echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked,
> fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
> Suddenly things were no longer funny.. 'It' was coming, and I raced
> off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the
> whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion
> took place. Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to
> the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet
> seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging.
> One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the
> true meaning of 'Shock and Awe' . He made a gagging sound, and
> disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate
> it?', then quickly left.
>
> Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled
> cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee
> approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a
> few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the
> store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a
> minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.' My smirking
> of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The
> employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover
> his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S
> YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was
> unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly
> not to return. Home again without my supplies, I realized that there
> was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls.
> The next day I went to shop at Lowe's. I can't say anymore about that
> because we are in court over the whole matter.
> --deleted--s claim they're going to have to repaint the store..
_________________
it took me 10 minutes to read this I was laughing so hard, and couldn't see due to tears running down my face!!!! 
