432hz

[BC1969]

I'm beyond stressed!
Tick Tock!

 

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[BC1969]

Early onset alzheimers.. Great, now she won't remember either.


God,
What else are you going to hit me with?
I'm only mortal!

 

[BC1969]

The real question is.. Why bother going forward when forward is only pain.

That's the golden question.

I still can't believe that you called it mousecrap..
Really?
What a bully!
I look up to you and all you can do is say that.

oh well, the child part of me loves you as a father figure.
Run, run away from the crazy guy.

Okay..

I'm tired of being the punch line of jokes.
I'm tired of this world period.

 

[Hillbilly Prince]

What?
Being cryptic makes it difficult to respond.
Why do people go on once they are aware of their mortality. Survival instinct?
I am a little baffled by humans who exist in horrible conditions, yet do not wish to cease living.
Some people do choose to take a chance and see if things are better on the other side. Or they just want what they endure to cease.
Well, life is kind of cool when you are young and ignorant and everything seems possible. No one really believes they will one day be that old person moving at a glacial pace through an aisle.
I learned somethng from a sixteen year old girl. Yes, it was obvious but I had not considered it. She said You never know what tomorrow will bring. You just do not know.
She had sorted out for herself something which was written in the Bible long ago.
"Go to now, ye that say, To day or to morrow we will go into such a city, and continue there a year, and buy and sell, and get gain: Whereas ye know not what shall be on the morrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapour, that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away. For that ye ought to say, If the Lord will, we shall live, and do this, or that. But now ye rejoice in your boastings: all such rejoicing is evil.
Therefore to him that knoweth to do good, and doeth it not, to him it is sin."
Even if you dismiss God from those words, they are still true in regard to your life.

 

[Tpmetal]

Sorry to hear you are having a rough time. Keep that chin up, you can get through it. For alzheimers start looking into lions mane mushrooms and the research being done with them. Can help slow down the degradation of the brain, and there are even claims of neuron regenerative properties.

 

[BC1969]

See there is God.
Half of the time I really struggle with my faith.
A younger version of me wrote that earlier reply.
He's always cryptic.
marky knows who he is.
I'm just sorry that I was too intense for him.
I push everyone away.

I'm not certain why.

I miss my friend.

Being cryptic is your only option when you are blending in.

I'm not suicidal physically.
I'd love to walk away from the faith that causes me so much internal strife.
Knowing where salvation lies, makes walking away spiritual suicide.

I'm really conflicted.
No one can answer my questions with anything other than mysterious ways.
That doesn't work for the trapped child in my mind.

 

[Hillbilly Prince]

Sorry to hear you are having a rough time. Keep that chin up, you can get through it. For alzheimers start looking into lions mane mushrooms and the research being done with them. Can help slow down the degradation of the brain, and there are even claims of neuron regenerative properties.

Thanks for that info. I'm going to look that up. Maybe it help with Parkinson's, which one of my brothers has. And two other family members are showing very early signs although doctors not making it official yet.

 

[BC1969]

Don't waste your time on someone like me.
I'm a lost cause.

I'm not worth your time.

 

[Hillbilly Prince]

See there is God.
Half of the time I really struggle with my faith.
A younger version of me wrote that earlier reply.
He's always cryptic.
marky knows who he is.
I'm just sorry that I was too intense for him.
I push everyone away.

I'm not certain why.

I miss my friend.

Being cryptic is your only option when you are blending in.

I'm not suicidal physically.
I'd love to walk away from the faith that causes me so much internal strife.
Knowing where salvation lies, makes walking away spiritual suicide.

I'm really conflicted.
No one can answer my questions with anything other than mysterious ways.
That doesn't work for the trapped child in my mind.

Being cryptic does not make you blend in - it attracts attention and may also cause people to think you are trying to be edgy.
Pushing people away does have the advantage of keeping you from pain. You avoid being hurt if you are not close to someone. But you also miss out on love and a lot of good things. Guess you have to decide if it is worth it.
People of faith usually end up with questions unless they are not terribly introsective. Pat answers are very unsatisfying.
Have you ever read Ecclesiastes? Bible scholars used to have problems with the book because it seemed to contradict so much of the Bible.
https://biblescripture.net/Ecclesiastes.html

Something I find amusing is when people say the God they know would never send people to hell or such things. Pretty good indication they never cracked open a Bible
I don't know. I suppose you just wrestle with it until you come to some peace and acceptance, or not.
People seem to need to believe in something greater than themselves. Lot of people hate to think this is all you get. It seems like, now that it isn't cool to believe in God, people turn to witchcraft, satanism, crystals, whatever.
I'm not sure you can commit spiritual suicide as there is always a path provided to repent and be forgiven according to the Bible. Although there is one sin which will not be forgiven. Once again according to the Bible.
Not trying to preach here lol. Just reporting things.
You can walk away although it might be hard.

 

[BC1969]

I have a few untreated mental health issues that are really destroying my life and my wife's.
God is Great, but doesn't help when you can't even trust yourself to help yourself.

I don't know where I am.

I'm not edgy. I am an edge.
marky made me realize that.
I wish he hadn't.
I miss my friend.

When you are borderline personality disorder, cryptic is your best friend.
I hear all the crap jokes about bipolar people and their four distinct mood changes per month.
My mood goes up and down to the max... Hundreds of times per day.
Me edgy?
Nope.
Tick Tock.

I hope that I don't self destruct.
How much stress can a man handle?

 

[BC1969]

Oh, and a real kick in the acorns, my neighbor thinks that my wife has Stockholm syndrome.

I really wouldn't be surprised. Three decades with me would drive anyone insane.

If you are wondering what all this is about?!

This is me writing random worthless drivel in an attempt to keep myself from taking that damned drink that my mind is so severely craving.

I must be strong and I am not a strong man.

 

[BC1969]

Just let go..

 

[BC1969]

My faith is faltering once again.
A pure science upbringing will do that.
Taught to question EVERYTHING!!
Find the problem. Isolate it and then improve the design!
That is all.

I don't know how to reverse engineer my life and soul!..

 

[BC1969]

Where's my Shadow... I know that you are here.
Just like the Crispy of Christmases past still haunts the forums..
Please come back!

 

[BC1969]

Such a beautiful night.
A strange thing, I've only ever felt comfortable while in the dark.. Since I was six. I can hide. I have to.

He can't find me if I hide!

 

[BC1969]

I didn't realize until today that self loathing and despair were crippling me the way that it is.
That child inside is crying for me to help him... I cannot.
He doesn't trust me!
I can't say that I blame him as he is me and I know what made me the way that I am.
I wasn't born with chemical disfunction.
They made me this way.

Why?
Why me?
Why do I THINK that I need a drink?
Why am I laying here under the stars Contemplating having a drink.

Oh so tempting those demons are.. It'll make the pain go away!
You'll forget today so that you can focus on tomorrow... Lies!! All lies!