goldencoin
Gold Member
- #1
Thread Owner
Hello, as you know, the forum humor post has a lot of great post. I hate having to keep looking these up, so i will re-post them here.
From Gooddog-
"This is what my telephone answering machine says when you call my house.
Hi, this is Gooddog: If you are the cable company I already sent the money. If you are my parents please send me money. If you are my bank please lend me money. If you are one of my friends you owe me money. If you are female I have lots of money. I can?t come to the phone right now cause I am doing something I really enjoy doing. Usually I like doing it up and down, but sometimes I like doing it left to right?.real slow. So leave a message and when I am done brushing my teeth I?ll call you back. If I don?t call you back them I?m avoiding you."
"When I die I want to die in my sleep like my good old granddoggy Al (short for Alphamale) not yelling and screaming like the people on the bus he was driving."
From Jeff of PA-
"20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity.
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and
point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars to see if they Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They
Want Fries with That.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has
Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling
Diamonds"
7. Finish All Your sentences w ith "In Accordance With The
Prophecy."
8. Don't use any punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat with a
serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play
tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend
Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name,
Rock Bottom.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking
lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are
Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of
Insanity.......
Share this with Someone To Make Them Smile.
Its Called therapy."
"Subject: NEWSPAPER ADS!
>
>
>>
>>
>>>THESE ARE ACTUAL NEWSPAPER ADS!
>>>
>>>FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites
>>>
>>>FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
>>>
>>>FREE PUPPIES... Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog
>>>
>>>FREE GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German.
>>>
>>>FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat ... been out a while..better be
>>>a
>>>reward.
>>>
>>>COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
>>>
>>>NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby
>>>
>>>GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown - 89 cents lb.
>>>
>>>JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300
>>>
>>>WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE. Call Stephanie.
>>>
>>>(AND THE BEST ONE)
>>>
>>>FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes
>>>Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, got married
>>>last month. Wife knows everything"
"You have two cows.
========================
REPUBLICANISM
You have two
cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?
SOCIALIST
You have two
cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the
other, and then pours the milk down the
drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised
when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating
you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows.You go on strike because you want three cows.You go to lunch and drink wine.Life is good. JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows.You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the
milk.They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.Most are at the top of their class at cow school. GERMAN CORPORATION You have two cows.You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year. ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows but you don't know where they are.While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.You break for lunch.Life is
good. RUSSIAN CORPORATION You have two cows.You have some vodka.You count
them and learn you have five cows.You have some more vodka.You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have. TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million
grant from the US government to find alternatives to
milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.They go into hiding.They send radio tapes of their mooing. POLISH CORPORATION You have two bulls.Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them. BELGIAN CORPORATION You have one cow.The cow has multiple personality disorder.Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's
milk.The cow asks permission to be cut in half.The cow dies happy. FLORIDA CORPORATION You have a black cow and a brown cow.Everyone votes for the best looking one.Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.Some people vote for both.Some people
vote for neither.Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow. CALIFORNIA CORPORATION You have millions of cows.They make real California cheese.Only five speak English.Most are illegals.Arnold likes the ones with the big udders"
"Subject: Questions to Ponder
>1. If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean that one
>enjoys it ?
>2. If people from Poland are called poles, why aren't people from
>Holland called Holes?
>3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
>4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
>5. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale
>bread to begin with?
>6. Why is a person who plays a piano called a pianist but a person who
>drives a race car is not called a racist?
>7. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
>8. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow
>that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
>models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
>9. If Fed Ex an UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
>10. What hair color do they put on the drivers license of bald men?
>11. If it is true that we are put here to help others, then what exactly
>are the others here for?
>12. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't
>zigzag?
>13. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
>14. Whatever happened to Preparations A thru G?"
From stoney56-
"A little something for our military THers.
? ?LETTER FROM A FARM? KID, NOW A SAN DIEGO MARINE CORPS? RECRUIT!
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are.? Tell? Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man? Minch by a mile.? Tell them to join up quick? ?before all of the places? are filled.
I was restless at first? because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I? like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is? smooth your cot, and shine some things.? No hogs to slop, feed to? pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay.? Practically nothing.? Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.?
Breakfast is strong on? trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc. but kind of weak on? chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food,? but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live? on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you til noon when you get fed? again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.? ?
We go on "route? marches", which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden? us.? If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different.? ?A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home.? Then the? city guys get sore ! feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is? nice but awful flat
The sergeant is like a? school teacher. He nags a lot.? The Captain is like the school? board.? Majors and colonels just ride around and frown.? They? don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt? and Elmer with laughing.? I keep getting medals for shooting.? I? don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't? move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home.? ?All you got to do is lie there? all comfortable and hit it. You don't? even load your own cartridges.? They come in? boxes.
Then we have what they? call hand-to-hand combat training.? You get to wrestle with them city? boys.? I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It? ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they? got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake.? I? only beat him once.? He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only? 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8"! and near 300 pounds? dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and? Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come? stampeding in.
Your loving? daughter,
Gail
? ? ?"
From Warsawdaddy-
"YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2005 WHEN....
>
> 1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
>
> 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
>
> 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of four.
>
> 4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
>
> 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that
> they don't have e-mail addresses.
>
> 6. You go home after a long day at work, you still answer the phone in a business manner.
>
> 7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an
> outside line.
>
> 8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different
> companies.
>
> 10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
>
> 11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
>
> 12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is
> home to help you carry in the groceries.
>
> 13. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
>
> 14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first
> 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn
> around to go and get it.
>
> 15. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
>
> 16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
>
> 17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
>
> 18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
>
> 19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
>
> 20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9.
>
> AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
>"
From stoney56-
"For all the Okie TNetters.
You could be from Oklahoma if:
1. You can properly pronounce Eufaula, Gotebo, Okemah, and Chickasha.
2. You think that people who complain about the wind in their states are sissies.
3. A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look for a funnel.
4. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
5. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
6. You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but by the availability of shade.
7. Stores don't have bags, they have sacks.
8. You see people wear bib overalls at funerals.
9. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.
10. You measure distance in minutes.
11. You refer to the capital of Oklahoma as "The City."
12. It doesn't bother you to use an airport named for a man who died in an airplane crash.
13. Little smokies are something you serve only for special occasions.
14. You go to the lake because you think it is like going to the ocean.
15. You listen to the weather forecast before picking out an outfit.
16. You know cowpies are not made of beef.
17. Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date.
18. You have known someone who has a belt buckle bigger than your fist.
19. A bad traffic jam involves two cars staring each other down at a four-way stop,
each determined to be the most polite and let the other go first.
20. You know in which state "Miam-uh" is and in which state "Miam- ee" is.
21. You aren't surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, and bait all in the same store.
22. Your "place at the lake" has wheels under it.
23. A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford F350 4x4 is.
24. You know everything goes better with Ranch.
25. You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply.
26. You actually get these jokes and are "fixin' " to send them to your friends.
And Finally, you are 100% Oklahoman if you have ever heard this conversation:
"You wanna Coke?"
"Yeah."
"What kind?"
"Dr. Pepper." "
"For all of you wondering just how cold it's gonna be this winter.
A Cold Winter
PREPARE
it was autumn,
and the Indians on the remote
reservation asked
their new chief if the winter was
going to be cold or mild.
Since he was an
Indian Chief in a modern society,
he had never been taught
the old secrets,
and when he looked at the sky,
he couldn't tell what the
weather was going to be.
Nevertheless, to be on the
safe side,
he replied to his tribe that the
winter was indeed going to be cold
and that the members
of the village should collect wood
to be
prepared.
But also being a practical leader,
after several days he
got an idea.
He went to the phone booth,
called the
National Weather Service
and asked,
"Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is
going to be quite cold indeed,"
the meteorologist at the
weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and
told them to collect even more
wood in order to be
prepared.
A week later, he called the
National Weather Service again.
"Is it going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at
National Weather Service
again replied,
"it's definitely going to
be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back
to his people and
ordered them to collect every scrap
of wood they could find.
Two weeks later, he called the
National Weather Service again.
"Are you absolutely sure that the
winter is going to be
very cold?"
"Absolutely,"
the man replied.
"It's going to be one of the coldest
winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?"
the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied,
"The Indians are collecting wood like crazy.""
From Jeff of PA-
"Sometimes I just don't know...
BY : "Unknown"
ONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider," looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.
THREE
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."
FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno.
Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy, "she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."
FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
SIX (which was debunked on snopes, but is still a good story)
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
SEVEN
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
EIGHT
Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
NINE
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer.....
Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency.
Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid!""
This is all for now....tell me if you wish to go on.
HH
-GC
From Gooddog-
"This is what my telephone answering machine says when you call my house.
Hi, this is Gooddog: If you are the cable company I already sent the money. If you are my parents please send me money. If you are my bank please lend me money. If you are one of my friends you owe me money. If you are female I have lots of money. I can?t come to the phone right now cause I am doing something I really enjoy doing. Usually I like doing it up and down, but sometimes I like doing it left to right?.real slow. So leave a message and when I am done brushing my teeth I?ll call you back. If I don?t call you back them I?m avoiding you."
"When I die I want to die in my sleep like my good old granddoggy Al (short for Alphamale) not yelling and screaming like the people on the bus he was driving."
From Jeff of PA-
"20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity.
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and
point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars to see if they Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They
Want Fries with That.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has
Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling
Diamonds"
7. Finish All Your sentences w ith "In Accordance With The
Prophecy."
8. Don't use any punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat with a
serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play
tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend
Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name,
Rock Bottom.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking
lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are
Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of
Insanity.......
Share this with Someone To Make Them Smile.
Its Called therapy."
"Subject: NEWSPAPER ADS!
>
>
>>
>>
>>>THESE ARE ACTUAL NEWSPAPER ADS!
>>>
>>>FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites
>>>
>>>FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
>>>
>>>FREE PUPPIES... Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog
>>>
>>>FREE GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German.
>>>
>>>FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat ... been out a while..better be
>>>a
>>>reward.
>>>
>>>COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
>>>
>>>NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby
>>>
>>>GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown - 89 cents lb.
>>>
>>>JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300
>>>
>>>WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE. Call Stephanie.
>>>
>>>(AND THE BEST ONE)
>>>
>>>FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes
>>>Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, got married
>>>last month. Wife knows everything"
"You have two cows.
========================
REPUBLICANISM
You have two
cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?
SOCIALIST
You have two
cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the
other, and then pours the milk down the
drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised
when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating
you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows.You go on strike because you want three cows.You go to lunch and drink wine.Life is good. JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows.You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the
milk.They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.Most are at the top of their class at cow school. GERMAN CORPORATION You have two cows.You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year. ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows but you don't know where they are.While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.You break for lunch.Life is
good. RUSSIAN CORPORATION You have two cows.You have some vodka.You count
them and learn you have five cows.You have some more vodka.You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have. TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million
grant from the US government to find alternatives to
milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.They go into hiding.They send radio tapes of their mooing. POLISH CORPORATION You have two bulls.Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them. BELGIAN CORPORATION You have one cow.The cow has multiple personality disorder.Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's
milk.The cow asks permission to be cut in half.The cow dies happy. FLORIDA CORPORATION You have a black cow and a brown cow.Everyone votes for the best looking one.Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.Some people vote for both.Some people
vote for neither.Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow. CALIFORNIA CORPORATION You have millions of cows.They make real California cheese.Only five speak English.Most are illegals.Arnold likes the ones with the big udders"
"Subject: Questions to Ponder
>1. If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean that one
>enjoys it ?
>2. If people from Poland are called poles, why aren't people from
>Holland called Holes?
>3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
>4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
>5. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale
>bread to begin with?
>6. Why is a person who plays a piano called a pianist but a person who
>drives a race car is not called a racist?
>7. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
>8. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow
>that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
>models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
>9. If Fed Ex an UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
>10. What hair color do they put on the drivers license of bald men?
>11. If it is true that we are put here to help others, then what exactly
>are the others here for?
>12. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't
>zigzag?
>13. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
>14. Whatever happened to Preparations A thru G?"
From stoney56-
"A little something for our military THers.
? ?LETTER FROM A FARM? KID, NOW A SAN DIEGO MARINE CORPS? RECRUIT!
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are.? Tell? Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man? Minch by a mile.? Tell them to join up quick? ?before all of the places? are filled.
I was restless at first? because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I? like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is? smooth your cot, and shine some things.? No hogs to slop, feed to? pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay.? Practically nothing.? Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.?
Breakfast is strong on? trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc. but kind of weak on? chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food,? but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live? on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you til noon when you get fed? again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.? ?
We go on "route? marches", which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden? us.? If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different.? ?A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home.? Then the? city guys get sore ! feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is? nice but awful flat
The sergeant is like a? school teacher. He nags a lot.? The Captain is like the school? board.? Majors and colonels just ride around and frown.? They? don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt? and Elmer with laughing.? I keep getting medals for shooting.? I? don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't? move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home.? ?All you got to do is lie there? all comfortable and hit it. You don't? even load your own cartridges.? They come in? boxes.
Then we have what they? call hand-to-hand combat training.? You get to wrestle with them city? boys.? I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It? ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they? got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake.? I? only beat him once.? He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only? 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8"! and near 300 pounds? dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and? Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come? stampeding in.
Your loving? daughter,
Gail
? ? ?"
From Warsawdaddy-
"YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2005 WHEN....
>
> 1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
>
> 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
>
> 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of four.
>
> 4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
>
> 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that
> they don't have e-mail addresses.
>
> 6. You go home after a long day at work, you still answer the phone in a business manner.
>
> 7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an
> outside line.
>
> 8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different
> companies.
>
> 10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
>
> 11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
>
> 12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is
> home to help you carry in the groceries.
>
> 13. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
>
> 14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first
> 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn
> around to go and get it.
>
> 15. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
>
> 16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
>
> 17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
>
> 18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
>
> 19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
>
> 20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9.
>
> AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
>"
From stoney56-
"For all the Okie TNetters.
You could be from Oklahoma if:
1. You can properly pronounce Eufaula, Gotebo, Okemah, and Chickasha.
2. You think that people who complain about the wind in their states are sissies.
3. A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look for a funnel.
4. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
5. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
6. You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but by the availability of shade.
7. Stores don't have bags, they have sacks.
8. You see people wear bib overalls at funerals.
9. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.
10. You measure distance in minutes.
11. You refer to the capital of Oklahoma as "The City."
12. It doesn't bother you to use an airport named for a man who died in an airplane crash.
13. Little smokies are something you serve only for special occasions.
14. You go to the lake because you think it is like going to the ocean.
15. You listen to the weather forecast before picking out an outfit.
16. You know cowpies are not made of beef.
17. Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date.
18. You have known someone who has a belt buckle bigger than your fist.
19. A bad traffic jam involves two cars staring each other down at a four-way stop,
each determined to be the most polite and let the other go first.
20. You know in which state "Miam-uh" is and in which state "Miam- ee" is.
21. You aren't surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, and bait all in the same store.
22. Your "place at the lake" has wheels under it.
23. A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford F350 4x4 is.
24. You know everything goes better with Ranch.
25. You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply.
26. You actually get these jokes and are "fixin' " to send them to your friends.
And Finally, you are 100% Oklahoman if you have ever heard this conversation:
"You wanna Coke?"
"Yeah."
"What kind?"
"Dr. Pepper." "
"For all of you wondering just how cold it's gonna be this winter.
A Cold Winter
PREPARE
it was autumn,
and the Indians on the remote
reservation asked
their new chief if the winter was
going to be cold or mild.
Since he was an
Indian Chief in a modern society,
he had never been taught
the old secrets,
and when he looked at the sky,
he couldn't tell what the
weather was going to be.
Nevertheless, to be on the
safe side,
he replied to his tribe that the
winter was indeed going to be cold
and that the members
of the village should collect wood
to be
prepared.
But also being a practical leader,
after several days he
got an idea.
He went to the phone booth,
called the
National Weather Service
and asked,
"Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is
going to be quite cold indeed,"
the meteorologist at the
weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and
told them to collect even more
wood in order to be
prepared.
A week later, he called the
National Weather Service again.
"Is it going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at
National Weather Service
again replied,
"it's definitely going to
be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back
to his people and
ordered them to collect every scrap
of wood they could find.
Two weeks later, he called the
National Weather Service again.
"Are you absolutely sure that the
winter is going to be
very cold?"
"Absolutely,"
the man replied.
"It's going to be one of the coldest
winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?"
the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied,
"The Indians are collecting wood like crazy.""
From Jeff of PA-
"Sometimes I just don't know...
BY : "Unknown"
ONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider," looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.
THREE
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."
FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno.
Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy, "she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."
FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
SIX (which was debunked on snopes, but is still a good story)
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
SEVEN
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
EIGHT
Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
NINE
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer.....
Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency.
Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid!""
This is all for now....tell me if you wish to go on.
HH
-GC
