Forum Humor
- Thread starter stoney56
- Start date
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Kentucky Kache
Guest
SomeGuy
Hero Member
- Jun 26, 2005
- 510
- 6
An old farmer in Georgia had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc.
The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked." "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old age and wisdom will triumph over youth and enthusiasm, every time.
The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked." "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old age and wisdom will triumph over youth and enthusiasm, every time.
Real de Tayopa Tropical Tramp
Gold Member
Gypsy Heart
Gold Member
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man
has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his own hands!
Later in life it becomes a little less predictable...
This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in
the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!!
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: What did I do wrong?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.
Chocolate can be substituted for New Detector
has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his own hands!
Later in life it becomes a little less predictable...
This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in
the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!!
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: What did I do wrong?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.
Chocolate can be substituted for New Detector
- Thread starter
- #246
Mujibar was trying to get into the USA legally through immigration. The officer said,
"Mujibar, you have passed all the tests thus far. There is one more, unless you pass it; you cannot enter the U.S.
The officer then said, "Make a sentence using the words yellow, pink, and green."
Mujibar thought for a minute and said, "Mr. Officer I am ready."
The officer said, "Go ahead."
Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up and say, "Yellow, this is Mujibar."
Mujibar now lives in a neighborhood near you and works at a Verizon Help Desk.
I talked to him yesterday.
"Mujibar, you have passed all the tests thus far. There is one more, unless you pass it; you cannot enter the U.S.
The officer then said, "Make a sentence using the words yellow, pink, and green."
Mujibar thought for a minute and said, "Mr. Officer I am ready."
The officer said, "Go ahead."
Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up and say, "Yellow, this is Mujibar."
Mujibar now lives in a neighborhood near you and works at a Verizon Help Desk.
I talked to him yesterday.
Gypsy Heart
Gold Member
My wife and I are watching "Who
Wants To Be A Millionaire" while
we are in bed. I turned to her and
said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No." She answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
Yes." She replied.
Then I said, " I'd like to phone a friend."
That's the last thing I remember.
Wants To Be A Millionaire" while
we are in bed. I turned to her and
said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No." She answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
Yes." She replied.
Then I said, " I'd like to phone a friend."
That's the last thing I remember.
Four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they are whirled to OZ.
Attachments
They finally make it to the
Emerald City and came before the Great Wizard.
Emerald City and came before the Great Wizard.
Attachments
"What brings you before the great wizard of Oz?"
Attachments
Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly:
"I've come for some courage."
"No problem!" says the Wizard.
"Who is next?"
"I've come for some courage."
"No problem!" says the Wizard.
"Who is next?"
Ronald Reagan steps forward,
"Well........., I.......I think I need a heart."
"Done," says the Wizard.
"Well........., I.......I think I need a heart."
"Done," says the Wizard.
Attachments
"Who comes next before the great and powerful Oz?"
Attachments
Up stepped George Bush sadly and said,
"I'm told by the American people that I need a brain."
"No problem!" says the Wizard. "Consider it done."
There is a great silence in the hall.
Bill Clinton is just standing there,
looking around, but doesn't say a word.
Irritated, the Wizard finally asks,
"What do you want?"
"I'm told by the American people that I need a brain."
"No problem!" says the Wizard. "Consider it done."
There is a great silence in the hall.
Bill Clinton is just standing there,
looking around, but doesn't say a word.
Irritated, the Wizard finally asks,
"What do you want?"
Attachments
Jeffro
Silver Member
LOL! "I'll get YOU...... and your little DOG too!"
I'll put this here, Because I think it is Humorous.
I came home to an EMail from a PEDRO
[email protected]
When I clicked on it I read this. (not edited)
Hi there blovely,
I was searching the net few days ago. I am new to this thinga.
and saw your profile. Ib decided to email you cause I fouand
you attractive. I might come down to your city in few weeks.
Let me know if we cana meet each other in person.
I am attractive girl. I am suare yaou won't regret ait.
Reply to my personal bemail at [email protected]
an "Attractive Girl" named Pedro ? Hummmm :P
I wonder How much money "SH-HE" wants me to Send for air fare ?
:P
:P :P :P
When I did a search of popmailme.com
I got this http://search.msn.com/results.asp?FORM=sCPN&RS=CHECKED&un=doc&v=1&q=popmailme
and noticed there is a "pretty Girl" Named Rob out there too
I came home to an EMail from a PEDRO
[email protected]
When I clicked on it I read this. (not edited)
Hi there blovely,
I was searching the net few days ago. I am new to this thinga.
and saw your profile. Ib decided to email you cause I fouand
you attractive. I might come down to your city in few weeks.
Let me know if we cana meet each other in person.
I am attractive girl. I am suare yaou won't regret ait.
Reply to my personal bemail at [email protected]
an "Attractive Girl" named Pedro ? Hummmm :P
I wonder How much money "SH-HE" wants me to Send for air fare ?
:P
:P :P :P When I did a search of popmailme.com
I got this http://search.msn.com/results.asp?FORM=sCPN&RS=CHECKED&un=doc&v=1&q=popmailme
and noticed there is a "pretty Girl" Named Rob out there too
Gypsy Heart
Gold Member
When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea." Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."
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An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her
butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . please advise." The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."
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A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"
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When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.
I said, "Well, why are you crying?" She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m." I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?" She said, "I can't remember where I live!"
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Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
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THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea." Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her
butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . please advise." The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.
I said, "Well, why are you crying?" She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m." I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?" She said, "I can't remember where I live!"
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Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
The Pope flies into New York city. Out front they have a big limo waiting for him. The Pope looks at the limo for a while and says he would love to drive one of these cars. The driver thinks to himself "its the Pope if I let him do what he wants it might be my ticket to Heaven". The driver tells the Pope to go ahead. The Pope starts driving and gets on the Interstate. He is going along at 70, 80, 90 MPH when he notices a police officer behind him. The Pope pulls over, and a young officer walks up to the car. The Pope rolls down the window and the officer stares at him for a second and says I will be right back. The young officer gets on his radio and calls his Sargent. He says sarge I have just pulled over a limo for speeding and don't know if I should give him a ticket. The sarge come on and asks if it is the Senators car. The young officer says no sir someone more important than him. Then the sarge asks is it the Governor? The young officer says no sir someone more important than him. Then the sarge asks is it the President? The young man comes back on and says no sir, someone more important than him. The sarge says more important than the President, Who is more important than the President? The young officer comes back and says sarge I am not quite sure, but he has the Pope for a Chauffeur.
The Beep Goes On
Silver Member
- Jan 11, 2006
- 3,403
- 207
- Detector(s) used
- CTX3030, Excalibur II, V3i, TRX
- Primary Interest:
- Metal Detecting
If you use a token on a toll road, what do you use on a troll road?
A Tolkien! (for LOTR fans out there)
A Tolkien! (for LOTR fans out there)
>> PERKS OF BEING OVER 50 (pass along to someone you know who is)
>>
>> 1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
>>
>> 2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
>>
>> 3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
>>
>>
>> 4. People call at 9 PM and ask, " Did I wake you?"
>>
>>
>>
>> 5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
>>
>> 6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
>>
>> 7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
>>
>> 8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M..
>>
>> 9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
>>
>> 10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
>>
>> 11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
>>
>> 12. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
>>
>> 13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into
>> the room.
>>
>> 14. You sing along with elevator music.
>>
>> 15. Your eyes won't get much worse.
>>
>> 16. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay
>> off.
>>
>> 17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national
>> weather service.
>>
>> 18. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't
>> remember them either.
>>
>> 19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
>>
>> 20. You can't remember who posted this list.
>>
>> And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience
>>
>> 1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
>>
>> 2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
>>
>> 3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
>>
>>
>> 4. People call at 9 PM and ask, " Did I wake you?"
>>
>>
>>
>> 5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
>>
>> 6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
>>
>> 7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
>>
>> 8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M..
>>
>> 9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
>>
>> 10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
>>
>> 11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
>>
>> 12. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
>>
>> 13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into
>> the room.
>>
>> 14. You sing along with elevator music.
>>
>> 15. Your eyes won't get much worse.
>>
>> 16. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay
>> off.
>>
>> 17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national
>> weather service.
>>
>> 18. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't
>> remember them either.
>>
>> 19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
>>
>> 20. You can't remember who posted this list.
>>
>> And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience
