BrisJoe
Sr. Member
- Dec 30, 2012
- 276
- 343
- Detector(s) used
- GPX5000, Whites Goldmaster, Garrett ATX
- Primary Interest:
- All Treasure Hunting
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and Blue. Doctor: "What happened?" Woman: "Doctor, I don`t know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp." Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don`t swallow until he goes to bed and falls asleep."....... Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn... Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn`t touch me!"..... Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
Rrriiiiinnnnggg . . . . . .. . . . Rrriiiiinnnnggg . . . . . . . . . `Hello?`....`Hi Honey......This is Daddy......Is Mommy near the phone ?`......`No, Daddy....She`s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.`......After a brief pause, Daddy says,......`But Honey, you haven`t got an Uncle Paul.`...`Oh yes I do,.....and he`s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now. `......Brief Pause....`Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do......Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs....And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy.....That Daddy`s car just pulled into the driveway.` `Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.`........A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone......`I did it, Daddy.`........And what happened, Honey ?`....`Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming......Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn`t moving at all!`....`Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul ?`......`He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.......He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool........But I guess he didn`t know that you took out the water last week to clean it......He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he`s dead.` Long Pause............Longer Pause.....................Even Longer Pause..............Then Daddy says,........`Swimming pool . . . . . . . . ??...........Is this 486-573168 ?
A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God`s ultimate enemy was in his presence.. So Satan walked up to the man and said, `Do you know who I am?` The man replied, `Yep, sure do.` `Aren`t you afraid of me?` Satan asked. `Nope, sure ain`t.` said the man. `Don`t you realize I can kill you with one word?` asked Satan. `Don`t doubt it for a minute,` returned the old man, in an even tone. `Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?` persisted Satan. `Yep,` was the calm reply. `And you are still not afraid?` asked Satan. `Nope,` said the old man. More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, `Why aren`t you afraid of me?` The man calmly replied, `Been married to your sister for 48 years. `
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet and shortly after, a story in an LA newspaper read:"California archaeologists` discover 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers." One week later, a local newspaper in North Dakota reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Center, ND, Ole, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Ole, has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, North Dakota, had already gone wireless.".....
Not all Blondes are dumb......A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer. She says she`s going to Europe on business for two weeks and Needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan. The bank`s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blond for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank`s underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my Car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
A Manly Man was at the dentist to have some rotten teeth pulled,the dentist asked him how much he weighed. Manly man asked the dentist, Doc why do you wanna know how much I weigh? The dentist explained it was so that he could be given the correct amount of painkiller.Manly Man then tells the dentist...Doc, I don`t need any painkiller because I have experienced the two greatest pains any man could ever experience. You see Doc I used to be a mountain man and one day while I was out huntin down this mountain lion that had killed my best dog I had to take a crap. So I dropped my pants and squatted down, RIGHT ON TOP OF A BEAR TRAP!. That there bear trap snapped itself shut on my genitals. The dentist said okay then, what was the second greatest pain? Manly man said ,that came after I took off runnin and hit the end of the chain connected to the bear trap that was tied around a big pine tree.
Rrriiiiinnnnggg . . . . . .. . . . Rrriiiiinnnnggg . . . . . . . . . `Hello?`....`Hi Honey......This is Daddy......Is Mommy near the phone ?`......`No, Daddy....She`s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.`......After a brief pause, Daddy says,......`But Honey, you haven`t got an Uncle Paul.`...`Oh yes I do,.....and he`s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now. `......Brief Pause....`Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do......Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs....And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy.....That Daddy`s car just pulled into the driveway.` `Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.`........A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone......`I did it, Daddy.`........And what happened, Honey ?`....`Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming......Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn`t moving at all!`....`Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul ?`......`He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.......He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool........But I guess he didn`t know that you took out the water last week to clean it......He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he`s dead.` Long Pause............Longer Pause.....................Even Longer Pause..............Then Daddy says,........`Swimming pool . . . . . . . . ??...........Is this 486-573168 ?
A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God`s ultimate enemy was in his presence.. So Satan walked up to the man and said, `Do you know who I am?` The man replied, `Yep, sure do.` `Aren`t you afraid of me?` Satan asked. `Nope, sure ain`t.` said the man. `Don`t you realize I can kill you with one word?` asked Satan. `Don`t doubt it for a minute,` returned the old man, in an even tone. `Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?` persisted Satan. `Yep,` was the calm reply. `And you are still not afraid?` asked Satan. `Nope,` said the old man. More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, `Why aren`t you afraid of me?` The man calmly replied, `Been married to your sister for 48 years. `
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet and shortly after, a story in an LA newspaper read:"California archaeologists` discover 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers." One week later, a local newspaper in North Dakota reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Center, ND, Ole, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Ole, has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, North Dakota, had already gone wireless.".....
Not all Blondes are dumb......A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer. She says she`s going to Europe on business for two weeks and Needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan. The bank`s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blond for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank`s underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my Car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
A Manly Man was at the dentist to have some rotten teeth pulled,the dentist asked him how much he weighed. Manly man asked the dentist, Doc why do you wanna know how much I weigh? The dentist explained it was so that he could be given the correct amount of painkiller.Manly Man then tells the dentist...Doc, I don`t need any painkiller because I have experienced the two greatest pains any man could ever experience. You see Doc I used to be a mountain man and one day while I was out huntin down this mountain lion that had killed my best dog I had to take a crap. So I dropped my pants and squatted down, RIGHT ON TOP OF A BEAR TRAP!. That there bear trap snapped itself shut on my genitals. The dentist said okay then, what was the second greatest pain? Manly man said ,that came after I took off runnin and hit the end of the chain connected to the bear trap that was tied around a big pine tree.
