Forum Humor

[Gypsy Heart]

WAL-MART APPLICATION This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas . They hired him because he was so funny.....


NAME: Jack Buckley (Grumpy Bastard)

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place ?

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
! REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE.... 7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

***

 

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[stoney56]

Oh the good old days.

 

[nahabit]

 

[jeff of pa]

Three women die together in an accident
and go to heaven.


When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"


So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.


Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.


St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"


The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.


The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.


She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.



St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.



The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"


The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

 

[Jeffro]

Self- Smarter

Well this came off the e-mail, so I don't know if it's totally true. But its a video of a guy in jail talking to the camera. Its pretty doggone funny, I'll send it to ya if you shoot me your addy on PM.

I don't know about you, but I have some ex-friends from way back in high school that kinda acted like this guy, wonder what they're up to now?

Here's the transcript-

The thing with me is I am smart, well, and I'm self-smarted, basically by myself. Basically from nature and smoking drugs and doing different things I've basically like self- learned myself. And thats the whole difference is, I guess, is that I don't need the books or the schoolin' or all those other type things... I just get everything from my own and because of that I'm alive right now. I mean if I read more books or tried to go on to college or do different things like that I'd be dead right now.Because people say books and college are for to be to make you smarter but, they can also be for to be to make you dead. Which is what could happen to me. My brain doesn't use enough oxygen because I don't have the whole thing filled with different stuff. And if it was full, it's only part full... thats why I'm alive right now.Guards'll come in here.... "here read this book, try to get smarter" and I'm like, alright, I'll pretend to read it but I'm not gonna really read it because then my brain would be more full and if I have another heart attack I'm gonna die. I just wanna get out of here now and spend time with Lucy and Trinity, get my family goin' again. Basically thats all that matters to me, they come and visit me a couple times in jail for the first time ever, which is awesome....Lucy seems to be really diggin me an' lookin really good and I just wanna get outta here and see them, exercise a bit, maybe eat better and try to quit smokin'. Uhm... I'll try to quit smokin' cigarretes first and then, ya know work off the dope or whatever eventually...... although I dunno.

 

[jeff of pa]

WANNA TAKE A MORBID TEST ?

Start your Countdown to your

DATE WITH DEATH

http://www.findyourfate.com/deathmeter/deathmtr.html

I came up I will Die in October 27, 2032

Guess I have 26 Years yet :P

I Even said I Smoke very OFTEN.

 

[Gypsy Heart]

Cripes Jeff I am living until 2056....I was going to lay off the butter and cream ....but heck ....pass the salt

 

[jeff of pa]

When I retested with NO Smoking it gave me an Extra Year,
But then I'd have to add to the Stress Level :P

UPDATE, I added to my Stress Level Because if I Quit Smoking
and Lost 2 Years of my life :P

 

[Jeffro]

2047 for me. I guess that means we can't get married eh Gypsy? After all, you wouldn't wanna spend 9 years without ME, would you?

 

[nahabit]

Your Armageddon's day is Oct 13 2070

 

[Jeffro]

A friend sent this to me here recently-

> A tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco.
> Looking around at everything, he notices a very
> lifelike life-sized bronze statue of a rat.
> It has no price tag, but is so striking that he
> decides he must have it.
> He takes it to the owner and asks, "How much for the
> bronze rat?"
> The owner replies, "$12 for the rat and $100 for the
> story".
> The tourist gives the man $12 and says, "I'll just
> take the rat, you
> can keep the story."
>
> As he walks down the street carrying his bronze rat,
> he notices that a few real rats have crawled out of
> the alleys and sewers and begun following him down
> the street.
>
> This is disconcerting, and he begins walking faster.
> But within a couple of blocks, the herd of rats
> behind him has grown to hundreds, and they begin
> squealing. He begins to trot toward the Bay, looking
> around to see that the rats now number in the
> MILLIONS, and are squealing and coming toward him
> faster and faster.
>
> Concerned, even scared, he runs to the edge of the
> Bay, and throws the bronze rat as far out into the
> water as he can.
>
> Amazingly, the millions of rats all jump into the Bay
> after it and are all drowned.
>
> The man walks back to the curio shop.
> "Ah ha," says the owner, "you have come back for the
> story?"
>
> "No," says the man, "I came back to see if you have a
> bronze Mexican, a bronze Muslim cleric, a bronze
> politician , & anything Iranian."

 

[goldencoin]

Why do you drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

Why is it called a building when it's already built?



Three salesmen travel together. They stop for a room for the night. The manager tells them that the room is $30. They each pay $10 and go to their room. The manager remembers that there is a special tonight and the room is only $25. He gives the bell boy five dollars to give to the gentlemen. On the way to the room the bell boy can't figure out how to divide $5 between three people, so he puts $2 in his pocket and refunds each of the men $1. If the men got $1 back they each paid $9 for the room. That equals $27 for the room. The bell boy kept $2. That comes to $29. Where did the other $1 go?

HH! And thanks for the laughs. Chris

I got it.... Here is the answer if you didn't get it ( SPOILER WARNING)




The 9 dollars that each salesperson payed should be compared to the new rate of 25 dollars...that's 27.....which acounts for the two dollars that the bell boy kept...think of it as a tip.

i didn't know if anyone got it so i had to post this....it was a hard one!

LOL
-GC

 

[stoney56]

Bill and Bob were sitting in the living room watching the news.

Bill said, "Would you look at that! Another news story about waste and corruption."

Bob said, "Yeah! By the way, nice plasma TV!"

Bob said, "Thanks! I bought it with my FEMA check!"

Brought to you by the New Orleans Times-Picayune

 

[Jeffro]

OUCH!!!!!!



A fellow named Scott was over at his newlywed friends house one evening for dinner, when all of a sudden, he feels his friends new model wife rubbing up and down his leg under the table! Feeling a bit nervous, he excuses himself to go to the other room for a minute.... She promptly follows...

Wife: So.... I noticed you were checking me out during dinner... I just was wondering if there was anything I could do for you......


REALLY NERVOUS NOW, Scott stammers out " Well.... yes.... I was was looking at you, but Bill and I have been friends for so long now, I couldn't even consider...."

Well, after some "gentle persuasion" the new wife convinces Scott to take her up the offer, but she insists that her companionship for the tryst be worth at least some sort of payment.... say $200? Scott agrees and the date is set... While Bill is at work, Scott will slip over, being careful not to be seen, and he could have his way with her!

All goes according to plan, they have a wonderful afternoon together... Scott leaves and the wife thinks she has gotten away with it, that is.... until Bill gets home.


Bill: Say honey, did Scott drop by the house today?"

Wife: "Ummmmm, why yes honey, why do you ask?"

Bill: He came into the office this morning all excited, and borrowed $200 bucks from me... said he would pay me back TODAY and drop it off here at the house with you......

 

[coolcash2004]

I die in 2078.

 

[stoney56]

A gentleman was invited to a costume party but he was embarrassed about his wooden leg and bald spot. He contacted a costume co. who said they had the perfect outfit. In the mail was a note along with the costume. It said to use the bandanna on his head and just go as a pirate. He got irate and sent the costume back saying he didn't like that idea.
They then sent him another costume and a note saying he could go as a monk as the long robe would hide the leg. Also the bald spot would set off the costume perfectly. He got very irate this time and sent it back saying he didn't want that costume either.
He got another package in the mail with a jar of caramel sauce with a note saying pour the sauce over your head, shove the peg leg up your a$$ and go as a candy apple.

 

[Michelle]

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small Florida church found a pink envelope containing $1000. It happened again the next week.

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate.

This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?" The old lady said, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno."

 

[stoney56]

An oldie but a goodie.


Bubba went to a psychiatrist. "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor."

"I'll sleep on it," said Bubba.

Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist.

"Well eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money I went and bought me a new pickup!"

"Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! -- Ain't nobody under there now!!!

 

[Michelle]

July 18, 2047 WOW!

 

[stoney56]

Countryfied Talk For All You City Slickers:

Ah: The thing you see with, and the personal pronoun used denoting individuality. "Ah think Ah've got somethin' in mah ah."

Ast: To interrogate or inquire, as when a revenue agent seeks information about illegal moonshine stills. "Don't ast me so many question. It makes me mad."

Attair: Contraction used to indicate the specific item desire. "Pass me attair gravy, please"

Awl: An amber fluid used to lubricate engines. "Ah like attair car, but it sure does take a lot of awl."

Bawl: What water does at 212 degrees Fahrenheit. "That gal cain't even bawl water without burnin' it."

Bleeve: Expression of intent or faith. "Ah bleeve we ought to go to church this Sunday."

Cent: Plural of cent. "You paid five dollars for that necktie? Ah wouldn't give fiddy cent for it."

Co-cola: The soft drink that started in Atlanta and conquered the world. "Ah hear they even sell Co-cola in Russia."

Cyst: To render aid. "Can Ah cyst you with those packages, ma'am."

Dayum: A cuss word Rhett Butler used in "Gone With the Wind." "Frankly,my dear, I don't give a dayum."

Everwhichaways: To be scattered in all directions. "You should have been there when the train hit attair chicken truck. Them chickens flew everwhichaways.

Far: A state of combustion that produces heat and light. "Ah reckon it's about time to put out the far and call in the dawgs."

Flares: The colorful, sweet-smelling part of a plant. "If yo wife's mad at ya, it's smart to take her some flares."

Fur: Measure of distance. "It's a fur piece ta Etlanna."

Fur: Because of or to indicate possession. "Fur yew ta get attair new car yew gotta go see Bubba bout a loan."

Good ole boy: Any Southern male between age 16 and 60 who has an amiable disposition and is fond of boon companions, strong drink, hound dawgs, fishin', huntin', and good lookin' women, but
not necessarily in that order. " Bubba's a good ole boy."

Griyuts: What no Southern breakfast would be without - grits. "Ah like griyuts with butter and sawt on'em, but Ah purely love'em with red-eye gravy."

Hale: Where General Sherman is going for what he did to Etlanna. (Atlanta) "General Sherman said "War is Hale" and he made sure it was."

Hep: to aid or benefit. "Ah can't hep it if Ah'm still in love with you."

Idinit: Term employed by genteel Southerners to avoid saying Ain't. "Mighty hot today, idinit?"

Jew: Did you. "Jew want to buy attair comic book, son, or just stand there and read it here?"

Kumpny: Guests. "Be home on time. We's havin' kumpny for supper."

Law: Police, or as Southerners pronounce it, PO-leece. "We better get outta here. That bartender's doen called the law."

Likker: Whiskey; either the amber kind bought in stores or the homemade white kind that federal authorities frown upon." Does he drink? Listen, he spills more likker than most people drink.'

Mash: To press, as in the case of an elevator button. "Want me to mash yo floor for you, Ma'am?"

Muchablige: Thank you. "muchablige for the lift, mister."

Nawthun: Anything that is not Southern. "He is a classic product of the superior Nawthun educational system." (sarcasm)

Ovair: In that direction. 'Where's yo paw, son?" He's ovair, suh."

Phraisin: Very cold. "Shut that door. It's phraisin in here."

Plum: Completely. "Ah'm plum wore out."

Retch: To grasp for. "The right feilder retch over into the stands and caught the ball."

Saar: The opposite of sweet. "These pickles Sure are saar."

Shovelay: A GM car. "Nobody could drive a Shovelay like Junior Johnson."

Sinner: Exact middle of. "Have you been to the new shoppin' sinner."

Sugar: A kiss. "Come here and give me some sugar."

Tarred: Fatigued. "Ah'm too tarred to go bowlin' nonight."

Tar Arns: A tool employed in changing wheels. "You cain't change a tar without a tar arn."

Uhmurkin: Someone who lives int he United States of Uhmurka. "Thomas Jefferson was a great Uhmurkin."

War: Metal strands attached to posts to enclose domestic animals. "Be careful and don't get stuck on that bob war."

Whup: To beat or to strike. "OOOEEE!!! Yer mama's gonna whup you fer sayin' a cuss word."

Yankee shot: A Southern child's navel. "Momma, what's this on mah belly?" "That's yo Yankee Shot." Zat: Is that. "Zat yo dawg?"

BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."

Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.

Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."

MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.

Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I aint herd from him in munts."

IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Auburn Alumni."

Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"

RANCH - noun. A tool.

Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.

Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR - noun. A conflagration.

Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."

BAHS - noun. A supervisor.

Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!"

TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.

Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE - noun. A tall monument.

Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eifel Tire in Paris sometime."

HOT - noun. A blood-pumping organ.

HOD - adverb. Not easy.

Usage: "A broken hot is hod to fix."

RETARD - Verb. To stop working.

Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65."

TARRED - adverb. Exhausted.

Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred."

RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.

Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for our rats." (Today's Southern Word comes from a school teacher in America's southern most state: Hawaii. As part of her class's study of the "War of Northern Aggression" (known to Yankees as the "Civil War"), she showed her class the movie Gettysburg. The students wondered why the Confederacy was fighting for their "rats." The answer, of course, is obvious: Southerners have very friendly rats ... in fact, you could almost say that we have some downright civil rats.)

LOT - adjective. Luminescent.

Usage: "I dream of Jeanie in the lot-brown hair."

FARN - adjective. Not local.

Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."

DID - adjective. Not alive.

Usage: "He's did, Jim."

EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).

Usage: "He can't breathe ... give 'em some ear!"

BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable.

Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

JU-HERE - a question.

Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach, Jimmy Johnson, recently toured the University of Alabama?"

HAZE - a contraction.

Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."

SEED - verb, past tense.

VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun. Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"

HEAVY DEW - phrase. A request for action.

Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?"

WARSH - verb. To clean.

SQUARSH - noun. A vegetable (also verb - to flatten).

Usage: "Warsh that squarsh, Bubba ... you don't know where its been!"

GUMMIT - Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.

Usage: "Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!"

Cole's Law: Thinly shredded cabbage