Forum Humor

[GunFarce]

A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

--------------------------------------------------------

What to say at the Proctologist

1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"

5. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"

6. "You know, in some states, we're now legally married."

7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."

9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"

11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

----------------------------------------------

Mom's teachings

MOM taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE:
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.
I just finished cleaning!"

MOM taught me RELIGION:
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

MOM taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the
middle of next week!"

MOM taught me LOGIC:
"Because I said so, that's why."

MOM taught me FORESIGHT:
"Make sure you wear clean underwear in case you're in an
accident."

MOM taught me IRONY:
"Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry about."

MOM taught me about the science of OSMOSIS:
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

MOM taught me about CONTORTIONISM:
"Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

MOM taught me about STAMINA:
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is finished."

MOM taught me about WEATHER:
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

MOM taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS:
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you,
would you listen then?"

MOM taught me about HYPOCRISY:
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times,
Don't exaggerate!!!"

MOM taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION:
"Stop acting like your father!"

MOM taught me about ENVY:
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who
don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

And most of all ..... MOM taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE:
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

-------------------------------------------
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants "more than 100%." Well here's how you do that.
Here's how you can achieve 103%. First of all, here's a little math that might prove helpful in the future. How
does one achieve 100% in LIFE? Begin by noting the following.

IF :

A = 1
B = 2
C = 3
D = 4
E = 5
F = 6
G = 7
H = 8
I = 9
J = 10
K = 11
L = 12
M = 13
N = 14
O = 15
P = 16
Q = 17
R = 18
S = 19
T = 20
U = 21
V = 22
W = 23
X = 24
Y = 25
Z = 26


Then:

H A R D W O R K =
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = Only 98%

Similarly,

K N O W L E D G E =
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = Only 96%

But interesting (and as you'd expect),

A T T I T U D E =
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%..... This is how you achieve 100% in LIFE.

But EVEN MORE IMPORTANT TO NOTE (or REALIZE), is

B U L L S H I T =
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

So now you know what all those high-priced consultants, upper management, and motivational speakers really
mean when they want to exceed 100%!

 

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Agony and Death on a Gold Rush Steamer: The Disastrous Sinking of the Side-Wheeler Yankee Blade - Grab it through Amazon!

[Gypsy Heart]

Living Will

Me and my better half were sitting in the living room and I said to her,

Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state,

dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens,

just pull the plug."


She got up, unplugged the TV,the computer and threw out all my beer .



The Witch

 

[Gypsy Heart]

A Mans Viewpoint

I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.

Damn women drivers.

 

[stoney56]

Not to mention ruining the sports page that was opened to the betting lines since it was the bookie that was on the phone.

 

[FLOYD MANN]

A few of my newest "cartoons". I add 5 every 2 weeks.

http://www.losttreasureusa.com/CARTOONS.htm

FLOYD MANN
FRMPINK@AOL.COM
http://www.LostTreasureUSA.com

 

[jeff of pa]

This is creepy!

Think of a letter between
A and W.







Repeat it
out loud as
you scroll down.







Keep going
Don't stop.








Think of an
animal
that begins
with that letter.








Repeat it
out loud
as you
scroll down.








Think of
either a man's/woman's
name
that
begins
with the
last letter
in the
animal's name.








Almost
there...








Now
count out
the letters
in that name
on the fingers
of the hand
you are not
using to
scroll down.







Take the
hand you
counted with
and hold it out
in front of you
at face level.







Look at your
palm
very closely
and
notice
the
lines
in
your
hand.
















Do the lines
take the
form of the
first letter
in the
person's name?









Of course not!!!



Now smack
yourself in the head, get a life,
and
quit playing
stupid
e-mail games!

 

[Jeffro]

OK

Name three people in the last two centuries that have been shot in the back of the head.

Answer tomorrow-

 

[Gypsy Heart]

OK

Name three people in the last two centuries that have been shot in the back of the head.

Answer tomorrow-

Hahahaha I know the answer....I guessed kennedy Lincoln......and one of the construction guys just gave me the third answer...bad bad

 

[stoney56]

PERKS OF BEING OVER 50

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, " Did I wake you?"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 PM.

10. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

12. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

14. You sing along with elevator music.

15. Your eyes won't get much worse.

16. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

18. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

20. You can't remember who sent you this list.

21. You didn't even notice there was not a number nine in this list.


And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience

AND.....I probably already sent this to you in the past....but don't remember!!!

Have a great day!!!!

 

[River Rat]

Subject: The Taxi Driver


A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped
him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly
hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large
plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still
shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't
realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much. The driver
replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault.

Today is my first day driving a cab.... I've been driving a hearse for the
last 25 years."

 

[Jeffro]

Alright, Gypsy got the first two no problem- Lincoln and Kennedy. The third is the guy sitting in front of Pee Wee.

(Trust me, if you gotta ask- you don't wanna know)

AND, (funny to me anyways) I just got this mental image of Gypsy sitting there doing an internet search to try and find the answer, before she went to the construction guys! LOL!

 

[Gypsy Heart]

Alright, Gypsy got the first two no problem- Lincoln and Kennedy. The third is the guy sitting in front of Pee Wee.

(Trust me, if you gotta ask- you don't wanna know)

AND, (funny to me anyways) I just got this mental image of Gypsy sitting there doing an internet search to try and find the answer, before she went to the construction guys! LOL!

Hahaha Too funny....something told me NOT to do a google search.....so I asked one of my construction guys.....after he turned fifty shades of red...he told me....! You are right...somethings I just dont need to know!

 

[jeff of pa]

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly











A woman walked into the kitchen to find her


Husband stalking around with a fly swatter.


"What are you doing?"


She asked.


"Hunting Flies"


He responded.


"Oh. ! Killing any?"


She asked.


"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.





Intrigued, she asked.


"How can you tell them apart?"


He responded,


"3 were on a beer can,


2 were on the phone

 

[Gypsy Heart]

Genie in a bottle

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed Woman asked if she got three wishes.

The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"

The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man."

The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the damn map again."

 

[jeff of pa]

anyone want 30% of US$18,500,000.00



FROM THE DESK OF: DR.Larry Johnson
OUR REF: CBN/CSF/0012/FGN/04.
Comment: Union Bank NIGERIA PLC
Victoria-Island, Lagos-Nigeria.
TELE;;; 234-802 066 3371
Email: businesstime147@yahoo.com

ATTENTION,

I sincerely write to seek your co-operation and trust to enable my colleagues and I carry out an urgent business opportunity in my department.I work with the Union Bank NIGERIA PLC;currently I am the senior manager of bills and exchange at the foreign remittance department of my bank. I was the account officer to one Late Gerald Smith.

The deal in details: A foreigner, Late Gerald Smith was an oil merchant/contractor with the Federal Government of Nigeria and resides here in Nigeria not until his untimely death six year ago in ghastly plane crash.(Late Gerald Smith ) who perished in
the plane crash of OCTOBER 31, 1999 { with Egyptian airline 990} with other passengers aboard as you can confirm it your self at this,you can vist the website at

wbpage:http://www.bromike.com/departed/egypt.html

Since the management got the information of his death we have been expectingany of his relation or his next of kin to come up and claim his money.He hada deposit of (US$18,500,000.00) EIGHTEEM MILLION FIVE HUNDRED THOUSANDUNITED STATES DOLLARS,here with the UNION BANK OF NIGERIA before his death on OCTOBER 31, 1999. I am his accountant officer at the Union Bank, and tillnow nobody has serviced this account or shown up for his money since afterhis death till date.Below is his account information:

Union Bank NIGERIA PLC
ACCOUNT NUMBER: 2342765709/784768
ROUTING NUMBER: 2342657765
CODE: NIB/LILLACWONG/99/05
DEPOSITOR'S NAME: LATE Gerald Smith
AMOUNT: (US$18,500,000.00) EIGHTEEM MILLION
FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITEDSTATES DOLLARS

Unfortunately, From the day of his death till the time of this letter noneof his relation or friends has come up for the claims.The banking andfinancial law of Union Bank NIGERIA PLC stipulates that if such fundremained unclaimed after a period of (2)Two years, it will be transferred into the bank treasury as unclaimed bill. On this discovery, I and two other senior staffs now decided to do business with you and release themoney to you as the next of kin to Late Gerald Smith for safety and subsequent disbursement.I will soon proceed for my retirement leave , and I personally do not want this fund to be transferred into the bank treasury as
unclaimed bill.

That is why I wanted the fund to be move out of the bank before I proceed on my retirement from the banking services.The need for a foreigner as next of kin in this project is occasioned by the fact that the customer LATE Gerald Smith was a foreigner and a Nigerian cannot stand as hisnext of kin or heir.We have agreed that 30% of the Fund would be for you as
foreign partner; there after my colleague and I will visit your country for disbursement according to percentages indicated.

As soon as i got you reply iwill send to your the certificate of deposit. To enable the immediate transfer of the fund into your nominated account,you will first apply to thebank as the next of kin of the deceased, indicating your bank account number and location where in the money will be remitted.Upon receipt of your acknowledgement indicating your interest, I will send to you the text of the application that you will send to the Union Bank NIGERIA PLC authority for an approval to submit your claims.Send your reply through my direct and

Private email address: businesstime147@yahoo.com Indicate the following:

1. Your Full Names,
2. Address Direct Fax and telephone numbers for effective communication that this transaction needs.
3. Your Banking details, include your Bank Names, Address, Bank account Number /swift code and bank routine number.
4) Your Full Profession, Age And Marital Status

Looking forward to urgently hearing from you.

Yours Faithfully,

DR Larry Johnson.
SENIOR MANAGER OF BILLS AND EXCHANGE ,
Union Bank NIGERIA PLC

 

[stoney56]

Congrats Jeff! You are an heir apparent! ROFL Just send them your life history and get $6 Million in grief. :P

BTW, it's nice to know they type like they talk. LOL

 

[Gypsy Heart]

Water and Wine Education

WATER...... It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of
water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1
kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found in faeces. In other words, we are
consuming 1 kilo of Doo Doo.

However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer
or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a distillation process
of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

WATER = Doo Doo

WINE = HEALTH

Free yourself of Doo Doo, drink WINE!!!


It is better to drink wine and talk Doo Doo than to drink water and be full
of s**t.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information, I am doing it as
a public service.

Have a nice day.

 

[jeff of pa]

anyone want 30% of US$18,500,000.00



FROM THE DESK OF: DR.Larry Johnson
OUR REF: CBN/CSF/0012/FGN/04.
Comment: Union Bank NIGERIA PLC
Victoria-Island, Lagos-Nigeria.
TELE;;; 234-802 066 3371
Email: businesstime147@yahoo.com

ATTENTION,

I sincerely write to seek your co-operation and trust to enable my colleagues and I carry out an urgent business opportunity in my department.I work with the Union Bank NIGERIA PLC;currently I am the senior manager of bills and exchange at the foreign remittance department of my bank. I was the account officer to one Late Gerald Smith.

The deal in details: A foreigner, Late Gerald Smith was an oil merchant/contractor with the Federal Government of Nigeria and resides here in Nigeria not until his untimely death six year ago in ghastly plane crash.(Late Gerald Smith ) who perished in
the plane crash of OCTOBER 31, 1999 { with Egyptian airline 990} with other passengers aboard as you can confirm it your self at this,you can vist the website at

wbpage:http://www.bromike.com/departed/egypt.html

Since the management got the information of his death we have been expectingany of his relation or his next of kin to come up and claim his money.He hada deposit of (US$18,500,000.00) EIGHTEEM MILLION FIVE HUNDRED THOUSANDUNITED STATES DOLLARS,here with the UNION BANK OF NIGERIA before his death on OCTOBER 31, 1999. I am his accountant officer at the Union Bank, and tillnow nobody has serviced this account or shown up for his money since afterhis death till date.Below is his account information:

Union Bank NIGERIA PLC
ACCOUNT NUMBER: 2342765709/784768
ROUTING NUMBER: 2342657765
CODE: NIB/LILLACWONG/99/05
DEPOSITOR'S NAME: LATE Gerald Smith
AMOUNT: (US$18,500,000.00) EIGHTEEM MILLION
FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITEDSTATES DOLLARS

Unfortunately, From the day of his death till the time of this letter noneof his relation or friends has come up for the claims.The banking andfinancial law of Union Bank NIGERIA PLC stipulates that if such fundremained unclaimed after a period of (2)Two years, it will be transferred into the bank treasury as unclaimed bill. On this discovery, I and two other senior staffs now decided to do business with you and release themoney to you as the next of kin to Late Gerald Smith for safety and subsequent disbursement.I will soon proceed for my retirement leave , and I personally do not want this fund to be transferred into the bank treasury as
unclaimed bill.

That is why I wanted the fund to be move out of the bank before I proceed on my retirement from the banking services.The need for a foreigner as next of kin in this project is occasioned by the fact that the customer LATE Gerald Smith was a foreigner and a Nigerian cannot stand as hisnext of kin or heir.We have agreed that 30% of the Fund would be for you as
foreign partner; there after my colleague and I will visit your country for disbursement according to percentages indicated.

As soon as i got you reply iwill send to your the certificate of deposit. To enable the immediate transfer of the fund into your nominated account,you will first apply to thebank as the next of kin of the deceased, indicating your bank account number and location where in the money will be remitted.Upon receipt of your acknowledgement indicating your interest, I will send to you the text of the application that you will send to the Union Bank NIGERIA PLC authority for an approval to submit your claims.Send your reply through my direct and

Private email address: businesstime147@yahoo.com Indicate the following:

1. Your Full Names,
2. Address Direct Fax and telephone numbers for effective communication that this transaction needs.
3. Your Banking details, include your Bank Names, Address, Bank account Number /swift code and bank routine number.
4) Your Full Profession, Age And Marital Status

Looking forward to urgently hearing from you.

Yours Faithfully,

DR Larry Johnson.
SENIOR MANAGER OF BILLS AND EXCHANGE ,
Union Bank NIGERIA PLC

NOT HUMOR,

But, I just Pulled this From the Local Paper on line.

SPRING GLEN ? Money orders that were cashed by a village man March 16 through 18 were determined to be counterfeit, police said.

State police at Schuylkill Haven said Wednesday that Dennis Zimmerman was contacted by an individual who claimed that Zimmerman was to inherit a fortune if he would cash three money orders that were sent to him and wire the cash to Nigeria.

Police said Zimmerman received the money orders, cashed them and wired about $1,500 to Nigeria. He was later informed that the money orders were counterfeit.

Police are reminding the public to not provide personal information and to be aware of similar scams.

So I guess there are still Suckers out there

 

[Gypsy Heart]

At the Welfare Office . . . . . . . . . . . .
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to
the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd
really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter says,
"Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very
wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his
nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes or
his Rolls, but he'll supply all of your clothes, credit cards and
money. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be
expected to escort the beautiful daughter on her overseas holiday
trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll have a
two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year". The guy says, "You're BS-ing' me!"
The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

 

[Jeffro]

LOL!

Brings to mind two street corner guys I have personally seen.

The first guy was dressed in a suit and tie and his sign said "Brother, can you spare 40K a year plus bennies?" I didn't see him again, so it musta worked, lol!

The second guy's sign said, "Why lie? I need a beer!" At least he was honest, I gave him a buck...