Old Dog
Gold Member
- #1
Thread Owner
if you don't laugh at this one you're SICK
if you don't laugh at this one you're SICK
>
> Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened:
>
>
> Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
> "something
> wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
>
> "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad . Can
> you help?"
>
>
> I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into
> his
> bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking
> stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
>
> "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
>
> "Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."
>
> "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
>
> I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't
> want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.
>
> "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired
>
> (I think she actually said this sarcastically! ).
>
> "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most
> loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).
>
> "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed
>
> "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she
> informed me (Again with the sarcasm!)
>
> By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I
> shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
>
> "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're
> about to witness the miracle of birth."
>
> "Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
>
> "Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of
> tiny
> little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.
>
> We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny
> foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
>
> "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
>
> "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
>
> "Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
>
> "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next
> appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more
> times with the same results.
>
> "Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know "Maybe they could
> talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in
> my
> house?)
>
> "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my
> son
> holding the cage in his lap.
>
> "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
>
> "I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be
> so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing,
> but this
> boy is of her womb, for God's sake.).
>
> The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
> animal through a magnifying glass.
>
> "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
>
> "Oh, very interesting, " he murmured. "Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I speak
> to you
> privately for a moment?"
>
> I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
>
> "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
>
> "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In
> fact,
> that isn't EVER going to happen . . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a
> young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male
> species, they um . . Um . . Masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his
> back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.
>
> We were silent, absorbing this. "So, Ernie's just . . Just ...
>
> Excited," my wife offered. "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we
> understood.
>
> More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle.
>
> And then even laugh loudly.
>
> "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I
> married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
>
> Tears were now running down her face. "It's just . . . That . . I'm
> picturing you pulling on its its . teeny little . ." She gasped for more
> air to bellow in laughter once more.
>
> "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the
> lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to
> be okay.
>
> "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.
>
> "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
>
> Two lizards: $140.One cage: $50.Trip to the vet: $30.
>
> Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless
>
> Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs.
>
if you don't laugh at this one you're SICK
>
> Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened:
>
>
> Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
> "something
> wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
>
> "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad . Can
> you help?"
>
>
> I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into
> his
> bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking
> stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
>
> "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
>
> "Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."
>
> "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
>
> I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't
> want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.
>
> "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired
>
> (I think she actually said this sarcastically! ).
>
> "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most
> loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).
>
> "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed
>
> "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she
> informed me (Again with the sarcasm!)
>
> By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I
> shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
>
> "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're
> about to witness the miracle of birth."
>
> "Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
>
> "Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of
> tiny
> little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.
>
> We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny
> foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
>
> "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
>
> "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
>
> "Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
>
> "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next
> appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more
> times with the same results.
>
> "Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know "Maybe they could
> talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in
> my
> house?)
>
> "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my
> son
> holding the cage in his lap.
>
> "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
>
> "I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be
> so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing,
> but this
> boy is of her womb, for God's sake.).
>
> The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
> animal through a magnifying glass.
>
> "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
>
> "Oh, very interesting, " he murmured. "Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I speak
> to you
> privately for a moment?"
>
> I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
>
> "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
>
> "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In
> fact,
> that isn't EVER going to happen . . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a
> young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male
> species, they um . . Um . . Masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his
> back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.
>
> We were silent, absorbing this. "So, Ernie's just . . Just ...
>
> Excited," my wife offered. "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we
> understood.
>
> More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle.
>
> And then even laugh loudly.
>
> "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I
> married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
>
> Tears were now running down her face. "It's just . . . That . . I'm
> picturing you pulling on its its . teeny little . ." She gasped for more
> air to bellow in laughter once more.
>
> "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the
> lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to
> be okay.
>
> "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.
>
> "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
>
> Two lizards: $140.One cage: $50.Trip to the vet: $30.
>
> Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless
>
> Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs.
>
![:-\](https://www.treasurenet.com/smilies/undecided.gif "Undecided :-\")
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