Judas Asparagus

[Ray S S]

Here is something that should brighten your day. Not sure who the author is. I'll copy it the way I received it.

A child was asked to write a book report on the Bible. This is amazing and brought tears of laughter to my eyes. I wonder
how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching?
Through the eyes of a child:

The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occured near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, "The Lord
thy God is one," but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said. "Give me a light!" and someone did.

Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented.
Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden....Not sure what they were
driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off,
except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his sons was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large
boat, called The Ark, and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said
they would have to take a rain check.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and
away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, bowels,
and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then He gave them his Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie,
cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff. Oh yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be King by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about
300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher said he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me. After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a whale and then barfed up on the shore.

There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish
I had been born in a barn too, because my Mom is always saying to me, "Close the door! Were you born in a barn?" It would
be nice to say, "As a matter of fact, I was.")

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats. Jesus also had twelve opossums.
The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegatable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Democrats and all
those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then He came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of
the Aluminum. His return is fortold in the book of Revolution.

 

[Ray S S]

Thanks, tee