Forum Humor

[stoney56]

Sounds like a little more humor is needed.

There were 2 MDer's that went to a discount mart and as it turned out, there was a contest going on. Both entered and it just happened that both won a prize. "Paul" won a years supply of gourmet pasta sauce and extra long spaghetti while "Bill" won a toilet brush. Later on Bill asked Paul how his prize was and Paul said, "It's great-I just love spaghetti. Paul then asked Bill how the toilet brush was. Bill said,"Not so great. I think I'll go back to using paper."

 

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A History of Mining on the Kenai Peninsula, Alaska - Grab it through Amazon!

[Vrent]

No Nursing Home for Me:


About 2 years ago my wife and I were on a cruise through the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess liner.


At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room. I also noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters, busboys, etc., all seemed very familiar with this lady. I asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told that she owned the line, but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back to back.


As we left the dining room one evening I caught her eye and stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said, "I understand you've been on this ship for the last four cruises".


She replied, "Yes, that's true." I stated, "I don't understand" and she replied, without a pause, "It's cheaper than a nursing home". So, there will be no nursing home in my future.


When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations at Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day.


That leaves $65 a day for:


1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.


2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast in bed every day of the week).


3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.


4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.


5 They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.


6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.


7. T.V. broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.


8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them.


9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare; if you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.


Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go? Princess will have a ship ready to go.


So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.


PS And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side at no charge

 

[stoney56]

Sometimes I see this on the forum:

 

[GunFarce]

I LOVE this site.. It's expanded my horizons FAR beyond what they were before, as shown by my 'old' keyboard

 

[stoney56]

Push the button below to test:

Release to start the fire.

 

[stoney56]

Allright who started the fire?!

 

[GunFarce]

Not these guys, they were on a break!

 

[stoney56]

How about having fun with your pulltabs. Ronald McDonald Poker---Full House.

 

[stoney56]

When it's too hot to detect, it's time for a cold one.

 

[jeff of pa]

Some KODAK MOMENTS For yous

 

[Leon]

This happened to me a few years ago...
First day of the season, and was going to the river, so
http://www.geocities.com/fullcyc/Fish.swf

 

[lobsterman]

whats the last thing the tickle me elmo doll gets before it leaves the factory ?


two test tickles

 

[Leon]

whats the last thing the tickle me elmo doll gets before it leaves the factory ?


? two test tickles? ?

That's got to be the best one I've heard in a long time...

 

[stoney56]

Maybe this will work.

 

[dudes2112]

It worked! and caught me off guard. As I was scrolling down I wondered what was going on as I thought something had started to install! A second later I realized the install box was moving as I scrolled. I have to say, I feel a little better now that I have HumerSense, it's been a blessing!

Dudes

 

[jeff of pa]

20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity.

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and
point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars to see if they Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They
Want Fries with That.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has
Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling
Diamonds"

7. Finish All Your sentences w ith "In Accordance With The
Prophecy."

8. Don't use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat with a
serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play
tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend
Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name,
Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking
lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are
Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of
Insanity.......
Share this with Someone To Make Them Smile.

Its Called therapy.

 

[jeff of pa]

Subject: Fwd: NEWSPAPER ADS!





Subject: NEWSPAPER ADS!
>
>
>>
>>
>>>THESE ARE ACTUAL NEWSPAPER ADS!
>>>
>>>FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites
>>>
>>>FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
>>>
>>>FREE PUPPIES... Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog
>>>
>>>FREE GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German.
>>>
>>>FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat ... been out a while..better be
>>>a
>>>reward.
>>>
>>>COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
>>>
>>>NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby
>>>
>>>GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown - 89 cents lb.
>>>
>>>JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300
>>>
>>>WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE. Call Stephanie.
>>>
>>>(AND THE BEST ONE)
>>>
>>>FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes
>>>Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, got married
>>>last month. Wife knows everything

 

[JakePhelps]

LOL

 

[dudes2112]

Nice! Those were both good!!

Dudes

 

[DiggerDude101]

I had half the neighborhood in Branson stopping to take pictures of these two.....LOL