Forum Humor

[Jeffro]

For the Oregonians- (Or just insert your state if your from a wet one!)

What is daylight savings time in Oregon?

An extra hour of rain!

What comes after two days of rain in Oregon?

Monday.

 

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Cry Of The Eagle: History And Legends Of The Cherokee Indians And Their Buried Treasure - Grab it through Amazon!

[jeff of pa]

Cancel your credit cards...

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today. A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank:
*nd


Family Member: ! "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."
Bank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
Bank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"
Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
Bank: "Excuse me?"
Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?"
Bank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor." Supervisor gets on the phone:


Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
Bank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"
Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)
Bank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given) After they get the fax:


Bank: "Our system just isn't set-up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."
Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."
Bank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."
Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"
Bank: "That might help."
Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."
Bank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"

 

[Gypsy Heart]

Went hunting with the vice president.....

 

[stoney56]

Subject: Test for Mental Acuity


Hope you pass.


Test for Mental Acuity

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

 

[Gypsy Heart]

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want. "The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honour and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong,' and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord paused a moment then queried, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

 

[jeff of pa]

We all know that women have been held back and underpaid in the workplace. Edge Designs is an all women run company that designs interior office space. They had a recent opportunity to do an office project in NYC. The client allowed the women of this company a free hand in all design aspects. The client was a company that was also run by all women exec. The result, well....... We all know that men never talk ...never look at each other and never laugh much in the restroom. The men's room is a serious and quiet place. But now .with the addition of one mural on the wall.Let's just say the men's restroom is a place of laughter and smiles.

 

[stoney56]

There's a new radio station that just started recently that's dedicated to women. It's located on 106.3 FM and is called KPMS.
It plays 2 weeks of love songs, 1 week of the blues, and 1 week of ragtime.

 

[Gypsy Heart]

Now Jeff...that is funny
Now Stoney ? That is not! Hahahahahah.....sing me those blues baby!!!!!!Hahahahaha

 

[Gypsy Heart]

Two Indians and a Hillbilly were walking in the woods, all of a sudden
one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and then he listened
very closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he tore
off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all
about. "Was he crazy or what?"

"No" said the Indian. "It is our custom during mating season when
Indian men see cave, they holler "Wooooo Wooooo! Wooooo!" into the opening. If
they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate."

Just then they saw another cave. The second Indian ran up to the
opening of the cave, stopped and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"

Immediately, there was an answering "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from
deep inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then
he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of
the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this
cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big,
fine women in this cave!"

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might
Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and
then he heard the answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!"

With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the
cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the Arkansas Gazette Newspaper
read...

"NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN"

 

[Gypsy Heart]

The Mole Family
-- A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole.
One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Yum! I smell maple syrup!"
The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!"
The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles
are in the way so he says, "Geez, all I can smell
Is....
........
MOLASSES !

 

[Gypsy Heart]

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2006 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

 

[stoney56]

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?" His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car".

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted ...

"COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!"

 

[northeast hunter]

What do you call a cow with no legs ?













Ground beef

 

[northeast hunter]

Pick a number from "1"to"9"
Multiply that number by "10"
Take that number and subtract it by "6''
Take the second number of that number and figure out what letter of the alphabet it is(1=A,2=,B,3=C and so on)
Think of a country that begins with that letter
Think of an animal that begins with the last letter of that country
Now think of a color that begins with the last letter of that animal

























Sorry there are no Orange Kangaroos in Denmark

 

[Kentucky Kache]

OK, now that I've fallen out of my chair...those are the only choices.
Good one.

 

[jeff of pa]

SORRY,

10
x 4
-----
40
- 6
------
34 = D

Dominican Republic
CAT

CAT
TAN

Does that mean there are no "TAN CATS in the DOMINICAN REPUBLIC" ?

 

[Kentucky Kache]

Never thought of that. I guess the orange kangaroo in Denmark is the most obvious choice. Anyhoo, it got me.

 

[jeff of pa]

Never thought of that. I guess the orange kangaroo in Denmark is the most obvious choice. Anyhoo, it got me.

I received it in an EMail a couple years ago, SO I knew to stay away from the obvious

Normally I would say only the Dominicans would NOT think Denmark.

 

[Gypsy Heart]

Irish Humor

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey."

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Paddy was in New York He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.



The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. < /DIV>



He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one -- just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie. "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."

"Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken shit"

 

[Jeffro]

Did you hear the one about the Irishman who walked past the bar?













It COULD happen.....