Forum Humor

Age Gauge
This will really make you laugh but feel a little old, too.... Put your birth date in the pop up window after you click on the below link. What happens is pretty interesting. It's also amazing how quickly it computes!! Very cool. Send it on to all you think might like a bit of trivia! Click on the link below:


http://www.frontiernet.net/~cdm/age1.html
 

This is bizarre - after you find the guy - it's so obvious. Once you find him - it's embarrassing, and you think, Why didn't I see him immediately?

Doctors have concluded that if you find the man in the coffee beans in 3 seconds, your right half of your brain is better developed than most people. If you find the man between 3 seconds and 1 minute, your right half of the brain is developed normally. If you find the man between 1 minute and 3 minutes, then the right half of your brain is functioning slowly and you need to eat more protein. If you have not found the man after 3 minutes, the advice is to look for more of this type of exercise to make that part of the brain stronger!!!

And, yes, the man is really there!!!
it took me 6 seconds.
I blame it on not knowing exactly what
I should have been looking for.
 

Attachments

  • !cid_003201c641f1$743c7200$6401a8c0@Amish.webp
    !cid_003201c641f1$743c7200$6401a8c0@Amish.webp
    40.8 KB · Views: 790
gypsyheart said:
yessss...but did you find his sombrero and little donkey

NO , But I did find a Finger.
Or is it a Toe ? ;D
 

I am a willow......dont know about the weepy part ....

Trees of Life

Find your birthday and then find your tree. This is really cool and somewhat
accurate. . Find your tree below and see what you
are like...

Jan 01 to Jan 11 - Fir Tree
Jan 12 to Jan 24 - Elm Tree
Jan 25 to Feb 03 - Cypress Tree
Feb 04 to Feb 08 - Poplar Tree
Feb 09 to Feb 18 - Cedar Tree
Feb 19 to Feb 28 - Pine Tree
Mar 01 to Mar 10 - Weeping Willow Tree
Mar 11 to Mar 20 - Lime Tree
Mar 21 (only) - Oak Tree
Mar 22 to Mar 31 - Hazelnut Tree
Apr 01 to Apr 10 - Rowan Tree
Apr 11 to Apr 20 - Maple Tree
Apr 21 to Apr 30 - Walnut Tree
May 01 to May 14 - Poplar Tree
May 15 to May 24 - Chestnut Tree
May 25 to Jun 03 - Ash Tree
Jun 04 to Jun 13 - Hornbeam Tree
Jun 14 to Jun 23 - Fig Tree
Jun 24 (only) - Birch Tree
Jun 25 to Jul 04 - Apple Tree
Jul 05 to Jul 14 - Fir Tree
Jul 15 to Jul 25 - Elm Tree
Jul 26 to Aug 04 - Cypress Tree
Aug 05 to Aug 13 - Poplar Tree
Aug 14 to Aug 23 - Cedar Tree
Aug 24 to Sep 02 - Pine Tree
Sep 03 to Sep 12 - Weeping Willow Tree
Sep 13 to Sep 22 - Lime Tree
Sep 23 (only) - Olive Tree
Sep 24 to Oct 03 - Hazelnut Tree
Oct 04 to Oct 13 - Rowan Tree
Oct 14 to Oct 23 - Maple Tree
Oct 24 to Nov 11 - Walnut Tree
Nov 12 to Nov 21 - Chestnut Tree
Nov 22 to Dec 01 - Ash Tree
Dec 02 to Dec 11 - Hornbeam Tree
Dec 12 to Dec 21 - Fig Tree
Dec 22 (only) - Beech Tree
Dec 23 to Jan 01 - Apple Tree

TREES (in alphabetical order)

Apple Tree (Love) -- Quiet and shy at times, lots of charm, appeal, and
attraction, pleasant attitude, flirtatious smile, adventurous, sensitive,
loyal in love, wants to love and be loved, faithful and tender partner, very
generous, many talents, loves children, needs affectionate partner.

Ash Tree (Ambition) -- Extremely attractive, vivacious, impulsive,
demanding, does not care for criticism, ambitious, intelligent, talented,
likes to play with fate, can be very egotistic, reliable, restless lover,
sometimes money rules over the heart, demands attention, needs love and much
emotional support.

Beech Tree (Creative) -- Has good taste, concerned about its looks,
materialistic, good organization of life and career, economical, good
leader, takes no unnecessary risks, reasonable, splendid lifetime companion,
keen on keeping fit (diets, sports, etc.).

Birch Tree (Inspiration) -- Vivacious, attractive, elegant, friendly,
unpretentious, modest, does not like anything in excess, abhors the vulgar,
loves life in nature and in calm, not very passionate, full of imagination,
little ambition, creates a calm and content atmosphere.

Cedar Tree (Confidence) -- Of rare strength, knows how to adapt, likes
unexpected presents, of good health, not in the least shy, tends to look
down on others, self-confident, a great speaker, determined, often
impatient, likes to impress others, has many talents, industrious, healthy
optimism, waits for the one true love, able to make quick decisions.

Chestnut Tree (Honesty) -- Of unusual stature, impressive, well-developed
sense of justice, fun to be around, a planner, born diplomat, can be
irritated easily, sensitive of others feelings, hard worker, sometimes acts
superior, feels not understood at times, fiercely family oriented, very
loyal in love, physically fit.

Cypress Tree (Faithfulness) -- Strong, muscular, adaptable, takes what life
has to give but doesn't necessarily like it, strives to be content,
optimistic, wants to be financially independent, wants love and affection,
hates loneliness, passionate lover which cannot be satisfied, faithful,
quick-tempered at times, can be unruly and careless, loves to gain
knowledge, needs to be needed.

Elm Tree (Noble-mindedness) -- Pleasant shape, tasteful clothes, modest
demands, tends not to forgive mistakes, cheerful, likes to lead but not to
obey, honest and faithful partner, likes making decisions for others,
noble-minded, generous, good sense of humor, practical.

Fig Tree (Sensibility) -- very strong minded, a bit self-willed, honest,
loyal, dependent, hates contradiction or arguments, hard worker when wants
to be, loves life and friends, enjoys children and animals, great sense of
humor, has artistic talent and great intelligence..

Fir tree (Mysterious) -- Extraordinary taste, handles stress well, loves
anything beautiful, stubborn, tends to care for those close to them, hard to
trust others, yet a social butterfly, likes idleness and laziness after long
demanding hours at work, rather modest, talented, unselfish, many friends,
very reliable.

Hazelnut Tree(Extraordinary) -- Charming, sense of humor, very demanding but
can also be very understanding, knows how to make a lasting impression,
active fighter for social causes and politics, popular, quite moody, honest,
a perfectionist, has a precise sense of judgment and expects complete
fairness.

Hornbeam Tree (Good Taste) -- Of cool beauty, cares for its looks and
condition, good taste, is not egoistic, makes life as comfortable as
possible, leads a reasonable and disciplined life, looks for kindness and
acknowledgment in an emotional partner, dreams of unusual lovers, is seldom
happy with its feelings, mistrusts most people, is never sure of its
decisions, very conscientious.

Lime Tree (Doubt) - Intelligent, hard working, accepts what life dishes out,
but not before trying to change bad circumstances into good ones, hates
fighting and stress, enjoys getaway vacations, may appear tough, but is
actually soft and relenting, always willing to make sacrifices for family
and friends, has many talents but not always enough time to use them, great
leadership qualities, is jealous at times but extremely loyal.

Maple Tree (Independence of Mind) -- No ordinary person, full of imagination
and originality, shy and reserved, ambitious, proud, self-confident, hungers
for new experiences, sometimes nervous, has many complexities, good memory,
learns easily, complicated love life, wants to impress.

Oak Tree (Brave) -- Robust nature, courageous, strong, unrelenting,
independent, sensible, does not like change, keeps its feet on the ground,
person of action.

Olive Tree (Wisdom) -- Loves sun, warmth and kind feelings, reasonable,
balanced, avoids aggression and violence, tolerant, cheerful, calm,
well-developed sense of justice, sensitive, empathetic, free of jealousy,
loves to read and the company of sophisticated people.

Pine Tree (Peacemaker) -- Loves agreeable company, craves peace and harmony,
loves to help others, active imagination, likes to write poetry, not fashion
conscious, great compassion, friendly to all, falls strongly in love but
will leave if betrayed or lied to, emotionally soft, low self esteem, needs
affection and reassurance.

Poplar Tree (Uncertainty) -- Looks very decorative, talented, not very
self-confident, extremely courageous if necessary, needs goodwill and
pleasant surroundings, very choosy, often lonely, great animosity, great
artistic nature, good organizer, tends to lean toward philosophy, reliable
in any situation, takes partnership seriously.

Rowan Tree (Sensitivity) -- Full of charm, cheerful, gifted without egoism,
likes to draw attention, loves life, motion, unrest, and even complications,
is both dependent and independent, good taste, artistic, passionate,
emotional, good company, does not forgive.

Walnut Tree (Passion) -- Unrelenting, strange and full of contrasts, often
egotistic, aggressive, noble, broad horizon, unexpected reactions,
spontaneous, unlimited ambition, no flexibility, difficult and uncommon
partner, not always liked but often admired, ingenious strategist, very
jealous and passionate, no compromise.

Weeping Willow (Melancholy) - Likes to be stress free, loves family life,
full of hopes and dreams, attractive, very empathetic, loves anything
beautiful, musically inclined, loves to travel to exotic places, restless,
capricious, honest, can be influenced but is not easy to live with when
pressured, sometimes demanding, good intuition, suffers in love until they
find that one loyal, steadfast partner; loves to make others laugh.
 

I would be the chestnut tree, and it pretty well fits. I think these things and those like them are written so they will fit about anybody, kinda like horoscopes.

And as for the coffee beans, I did see the guy after about a minute. Other than that, "I see dead people".... ;) Did you find the Hershey's kiss, or wizard's hat?
 

I see that I'm a Walnut but I think some of my branches have been grafted. ;D
 

Real 911 Calls, believe it or not!!


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I'm wearing a blouse and slacks, why?




Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it.


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Fire or emergency?
Caller: Fire, I guess.
Dispatcher: How can I help you sir?
Caller: I was wondering.....does the Fire Dept. put snow chains on their trucks?
Dispatcher: Yes sir, do you have an emergency?
Caller: Well, I've spent the last 4 hours trying to put these chains on my tires and... well, do you think the Fire Dept. could come over and help me?
Dispatcher: Help you what?
Caller: Help me get these chai ns on my car!


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is..........


Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn..I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Damn......
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No.
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
 

Well!! I now know two things about my self..
I can also find my "man bean" in 6 seconds, and What the hell is a "Hornbeam Tree"? ;D
 

Alcohol warnings
>
>Due to increasing products liability litigation, beer manufacturers have
>accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed
>immediately on all beer containers:
>
>WARNING:
>Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are
>not.
>
>WARNING:
>Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
>
>WARNING:
>Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and
>over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
>
>WARNING:
>Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
>
>WARNING:
>Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really
>dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
>
>WARNING:
>Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to
>your pants.
>
>WARNING:
>Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with
>other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
>
>WARNING:
>Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu
>powers.
>
>WARNING:
>Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see
>something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
>
>WARNING:
>Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on
>the forehead.
>
>WARNING:
>Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher,
>smarter and more handsome than some really, really big guy named FRANZ.
>
>WARNING:
>Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
>
>WARNING:
>Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
>
>WARNING:
>Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum,
>whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally
>disappear.
>
>WARNING:
>Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
 

Omni, next to bottom & just left of center. Don't feel bad, my right 1/2 of the brain was on vacation at the time also.
 

Oxymorons For The Month

Army Intelligence

Postal Service

Advanced Basic

Airline Food to go along with Hospital Food

Soft Rock

Passive Aggression

Rap Music

Microsoft Works
 

A man is walking in the woods,
He's talking but there is no woman to hear him.
Does that mean he's still wrong?
 

stoney56 said:
Omni, next to bottom & just left of center. Don't feel bad, my right 1/2 of the brain was on vacation at the time also.

Dolt! Ok, now I see him! Boy, do I feel intelligent now!
 

A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when he hears





BUMP ...




BUMP ...




BUMP ... behind him.





Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him




BUMP...




BUMP...




BUMP...




Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him




faster ...




faster ...




BUMP ...




BUMP ...




BUMP ...





He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.




However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping




clappity - BUMP ...





clappity - BUMP ...




clappity - BUMP ...




on his heels the terrified man runs.





Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.





With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.





Bumping and clapping toward him.




The man screams and reaches for something, anything...





but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!








Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...










and,
















(hopefully your're ready for this!!!)















the coffin stops.
 

A salesman knocks on a door.

"Come in", says a tiny voice.

The salesman steps into the house.

"Have a seat, I'll be with you in a moment"

Waiting for the old lady, the salesman looks around the room 'til he spots a bowl

of peanuts on a shelf.

"those sure look good", he thinks. "She wouldn't miss just a few of them".

So, he eats a few peanuts. But, they taste so good he can't stop eating, until

the bowl is empty.

"I can't believe I did that", he whispers. So, he covers up the empty bowl.

The old lady finally comes out and the two of them talk business.

The two shake hands and the salesman is happy to gain a new customer.

The man starts out the door when he's hit with feelings of guilt.

"I have a confession to make", he says, staring at the floor. "You see, while I

was waiting on you to come out, well, I ate your peanuts that were on that shelf".

The old lady can't hold back the toothless laughter, and in her tiny, crackling voice

she says, "Oh, that's okay, sonny, all I can do is suck the chocolate off of 'em".
 

~~~~~~~

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"

"You dumber then buffalo sh*t. Someone stole the tent."

~~~~~~~~~~
He didn't like the casserole

And he didn't like my cake.

My biscuits were too hard...

Not like his mother used to make.


I didn't perk the coffee right

He didn't like the stew,

I didn't mend his socks

The way his mother used to do..


I pondered for an answer

I was looking for a clue.

Then I turned around and smacked him...


Likehis Mother used to do.
~~~~~~~~~~

THE ITALIAN MOTHER

A young Italian man excitedlytells his mother he's fallen in love and
that he is going to get married.

He says, "Just for fun Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try
and guess which one I'm going to marry."

The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits
them down on the couch and they chat for a while.

He then says, "Okay Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The one on the right."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"

The Italian mother replies, "I don't like her."

~~~~~~~~~~



Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar .
After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated
that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few
minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and
trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car
which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons
left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine,
dry summer night) -- flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of times,
honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a
few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes
as some more of the other patron vehicles left.

At last, the parking lot empty, he pulled out of the parking lot and started
to drive slowly down the road.

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up
the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over
and carried out a breathalyzer test To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated
no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the truly proud man.
"Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
~~~~~~
 

A cub reporter was assigned to interview the head of a local insane asylum. During the course of the interview, the cub reporter asked, "Just how do you determine if a person is truly insane?" "Easy" replied the asylum director, " You fill a bathtub with water and set out a spoon, a cup, and a pail." "Then the patient is asked empty the bathtub." "Oh, I see", said the cub reporter, "A sane person would choose the pail because it holds more water!" "No", replied the asylum director, "A sane person would pull the plug!" "Would you like a room with a view?" Monty
 

Top Member Reactions

Users who are viewing this thread

Back
Top Bottom