Forum Humor

[lobsterman]

i thought you guy's might like this one, it takes a few minutes to load and you may have to replay it a few times to hear it all but it's worth it

Pat.

http://www.flowgo.com/funpages/view.cfm/12238?page_id=230754

 

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[jeff of pa]

You have two cows.


========================
REPUBLICANISM

You have two
cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST
You have two
cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST

You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the
other, and then pours the milk down the
drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised
when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating
you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows.You go on strike because you want three cows.You go to lunch and drink wine.Life is good. JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows.You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the
milk.They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.Most are at the top of their class at cow school. GERMAN CORPORATION You have two cows.You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year. ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows but you don't know where they are.While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.You break for lunch.Life is
good. RUSSIAN CORPORATION You have two cows.You have some vodka.You count
them and learn you have five cows.You have some more vodka.You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have. TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million
grant from the US government to find alternatives to
milk production but use the money to buy weapons.


IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.They go into hiding.They send radio tapes of their mooing. POLISH CORPORATION You have two bulls.Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them. BELGIAN CORPORATION You have one cow.The cow has multiple personality disorder.Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's
milk.The cow asks permission to be cut in half.The cow dies happy. FLORIDA CORPORATION You have a black cow and a brown cow.Everyone votes for the best looking one.Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.Some people vote for both.Some people
vote for neither.Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow. CALIFORNIA CORPORATION You have millions of cows.They make real California cheese.Only five speak English.Most are illegals.Arnold likes the ones with the big udders

 

[stoney56]

Jeff, I think you milked this for all it's worth. LOL

 

[DugHoles]

OMG.....I can't stop laughing..........

GL & HH to all,

DugHoles

 

[Mental Granny]

The cat the mouse drug in.

 

[jeff of pa]

Subject: Questions to Ponder


>1. If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean that one
>enjoys it ?
>2. If people from Poland are called poles, why aren't people from
>Holland called Holes?
>3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
>4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
>5. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale
>bread to begin with?
>6. Why is a person who plays a piano called a pianist but a person who
>drives a race car is not called a racist?
>7. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
>8. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow
>that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
>models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
>9. If Fed Ex an UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
>10. What hair color do they put on the drivers license of bald men?
>11. If it is true that we are put here to help others, then what exactly
>are the others here for?
>12. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't
>zigzag?
>13. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
>14. Whatever happened to Preparations A thru G?

 

[Diggincoinz]

HA! I work with #9 all the time, I hope they don't ever merge or we'll all be Fed Up.

 

[gunner6170]

 

[gunner6170]

another one for ya'll!

 

[GunFarce]

HOW DO YOU KNOW YOUR VIAGRA IS WORKING

1. At work, they call you a spiritualist because when you sit down at a meeting, the table floats.
2. Your face is very pale due to lack of blood.
3. When you walk into a sauna, everyone stands and applauds. They begin to call you "the tripod."
4. You begin to think your mother in law is pretty.
5. Sunbathing nude outside standing: Birds perch on it.
6. Sunbathing nude outside lying down: You look like a sundial.
7. Everyone at the bank, grocery, etc... lets you go to the front of the line...
8. Compared to you, Pinocchio doesn't look like such a liar.
9. You always lose limbo contests.
10. Lewinsky wants *you* to be president someday.
11. You can make drawings in the sand without having to find a stick.
12. You like to sleep on your back, and had to remove the ceiling fan.

Famous People On Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

PAT BUCHANAN ~ To steal a job from a decent, hard working American.

COLONEL SANDERS ~ I missed one?

RICHARD M. NIXON ~ The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. I do not know any chickens. I have never known any chickens.

DR. SEUSS ~ Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road. But why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY ~ To die. In the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING JR. ~ I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA ~ In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE ~ It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX ~ It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSEIN ~ This was an unprovoked act of rebellion, and we were quite justified indropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK ~ To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER ~ You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

MACHIAVELLI ~ The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

FREUD ~ The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying insecurity.

BILL GATES ~ I have just released Chicken Coop 99, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook and Explorer is an inextricable part of the operating system.

EINSTEIN ~ Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON ~ I did not cross the road with "THAT" chicken!

L.A. POLICE DEPT. ~ Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out.

 

[southern gent]

Why do you drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

Why is it called a building when it's already built?



Three salesmen travel together. They stop for a room for the night. The manager tells them that the room is $30. They each pay $10 and go to their room. The manager remembers that there is a special tonight and the room is only $25. He gives the bell boy five dollars to give to the gentlemen. On the way to the room the bell boy can't figure out how to divide $5 between three people, so he puts $2 in his pocket and refunds each of the men $1. If the men got $1 back they each paid $9 for the room. That equals $27 for the room. The bell boy kept $2. That comes to $29. Where did the other $1 go?

HH! And thanks for the laughs. Chris

 

[jeff of pa]

Famous People On Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?


lol

 

[warsawdaddy]

Top 10 Reasons why some Men prefer Guns over Women:

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9. You can keep one handgun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's handgun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you keep another handgun for a backup.

#6. Your handgun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5. A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4. Handguns function normally every day of the month.

#3. A handgun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2. A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a handgun is favored over a woman...


#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A HANDGUN

 

[stoney56]

Warsaw, don't forget you can belt it without reprisal. Also it becomes more valuable with age.

 

[kodad]

gent
forgive me but im not sure i understood the salesman riddle-
if each guy paid $9 then that = $27
manager got $25
bellhop got $2 = $27
where did $29 come from?
sorry if i seem stupid --it's late
kodad

 

[warsawdaddy]

Good one,Stoney - -How about--You get more bang for your buck?

 

[DugHoles]

Here's is some MD humor for you all...............Enjoy!!

GL & HH,

DugHoles

 

[stoney56]

With Halloween coming up, you can practice carving before you buy an expensive pumpkin.
http://www.toilette-humor.com/flash/carve_pumpkin.swf

 

[stoney56]

Do you feel like sometimes your computer is doing weird things? Here's one that gets even weirder.
http://www.toilette-humor.com/flash/is.swf

 

[stoney56]

A little something for our military THers.

? ?LETTER FROM A FARM? KID, NOW A SAN DIEGO MARINE CORPS? RECRUIT!

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are.? Tell? Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man? Minch by a mile.? Tell them to join up quick? ?before all of the places? are filled.

I was restless at first? because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I? like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is? smooth your cot, and shine some things.? No hogs to slop, feed to? pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay.? Practically nothing.? Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.?

Breakfast is strong on? trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc. but kind of weak on? chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food,? but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live? on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you til noon when you get fed? again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.? ?

We go on "route? marches", which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden? us.? If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different.? ?A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home.? Then the? city guys get sore ! feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is? nice but awful flat

The sergeant is like a? school teacher. He nags a lot.? The Captain is like the school? board.? Majors and colonels just ride around and frown.? They? don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt? and Elmer with laughing.? I keep getting medals for shooting.? I? don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't? move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home.? ?All you got to do is lie there? all comfortable and hit it. You don't? even load your own cartridges.? They come in? boxes.

Then we have what they? call hand-to-hand combat training.? You get to wrestle with them city? boys.? I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It? ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they? got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake.? I? only beat him once.? He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only? 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8"! and near 300 pounds? dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and? Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come? stampeding in.

Your loving? daughter,

Gail
? ? ?