Forum Humor

[stoney56]

A few metal detecting terms.

Ground balance-----The ability to stay on your feet while detecting on the side of a hill

Manual ground balance-----Your hunting partner holding your belt loops while you peer down a well looking for a treasure chest

Deep Seeking-----What happens when your belt loops give way.

Depth Reading-----The distance between you and the well opening

Meter-----What you told your spouse you'd do when done detecting

Threshold-----The amount of body aches and pains before you call it a day

Sensitivity-----See Threshold

Volume Control-----The adustment made when kids hang around you and say "Can I? CanI?" and "I lost that last week."

Universal Capabilities----The ability to detect and do honey-do's at the same time

Gain----The realization that the pasture bull is moving faster than you

Noise Canceling----See Volume Control

Bench Test-----A layman's attempt at seeing why his detector isn't operating properly

Air Test-----The distance that detector parts travel after a Bench Test

Treasure Eye----What you use at garage sales, swap meets, and Ebay

Discrimination Mode-----What kicks in when you see all kinds of goodies your neighbor left for trash pickup

 

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[cybercop106]

Have to post one of my favs...............

 

[stoney56]

The latest beer study:

 

[stoney56]

And why beer makes you smarter, so the good outweighs the bad I guess:

 

[jeff of pa]

NOT FUNNY, But AMAZING :

The bridge (or should it be called tunnel) goes under water to allow movement of ships. In order for ships to pass, this bridge is half under the water. You drive down in the water and then come out on the other side. Truly a marvelous piece of engineering!? This bridge is between Sweden and Denmark . Picture taken from the side of Sweden

 

[jeff of pa]

.

 

[jeff of pa]

.

 

[warsawdaddy]

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2005 WHEN....
>
> 1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
>
> 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
>
> 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of four.
>
> 4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
>
> 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that
> they don't have e-mail addresses.
>
> 6. You go home after a long day at work, you still answer the phone in a business manner.
>
> 7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an
> outside line.
>
> 8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different
> companies.
>
> 10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
>
> 11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
>
> 12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is
> home to help you carry in the groceries.
>
> 13. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
>
> 14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first
> 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn
> around to go and get it.
>
> 15. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
>
> 16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
>
> 17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
>
> 18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
>
> 19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
>
> 20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9.
>
> AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
>

 

[stoney56]

For all the Okie TNetters.


You could be from Oklahoma if:


1. You can properly pronounce Eufaula, Gotebo, Okemah, and Chickasha.
2. You think that people who complain about the wind in their states are sissies.
3. A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look for a funnel.
4. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
5. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
6. You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but by the availability of shade.
7. Stores don't have bags, they have sacks.
8. You see people wear bib overalls at funerals.
9. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.
10. You measure distance in minutes.
11. You refer to the capital of Oklahoma as "The City."
12. It doesn't bother you to use an airport named for a man who died in an airplane crash.
13. Little smokies are something you serve only for special occasions.
14. You go to the lake because you think it is like going to the ocean.
15. You listen to the weather forecast before picking out an outfit.
16. You know cowpies are not made of beef.
17. Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date.
18. You have known someone who has a belt buckle bigger than your fist.
19. A bad traffic jam involves two cars staring each other down at a four-way stop,
each determined to be the most polite and let the other go first.
20. You know in which state "Miam-uh" is and in which state "Miam- ee" is.
21. You aren't surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, and bait all in the same store.
22. Your "place at the lake" has wheels under it.
23. A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford F350 4x4 is.
24. You know everything goes better with Ranch.
25. You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply.
26. You actually get these jokes and are "fixin' " to send them to your friends.

And Finally, you are 100% Oklahoman if you have ever heard this conversation:
"You wanna Coke?"
"Yeah."
"What kind?"
"Dr. Pepper."

 

[stoney56]

For all of you wondering just how cold it's gonna be this winter.

A Cold Winter
PREPARE

it was autumn,
and the Indians on the remote
reservation asked
their new chief if the winter was
going to be cold or mild.
Since he was an
Indian Chief in a modern society,
he had never been taught
the old secrets,
and when he looked at the sky,
he couldn't tell what the
weather was going to be.

Nevertheless, to be on the
safe side,
he replied to his tribe that the
winter was indeed going to be cold
and that the members
of the village should collect wood
to be
prepared.

But also being a practical leader,
after several days he
got an idea.
He went to the phone booth,
called the
National Weather Service
and asked,
"Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is
going to be quite cold indeed,"
the meteorologist at the
weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and
told them to collect even more
wood in order to be
prepared.

A week later, he called the
National Weather Service again.
"Is it going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at
National Weather Service
again replied,
"it's definitely going to
be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back
to his people and
ordered them to collect every scrap
of wood they could find.

Two weeks later, he called the
National Weather Service again.
"Are you absolutely sure that the
winter is going to be
very cold?"
"Absolutely,"
the man replied.
"It's going to be one of the coldest
winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?"
the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied,
"The Indians are collecting wood like crazy."

 

[stoney56]

A bit of advice
?

An Old Farmer's Advice:



* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

* Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.

* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.

* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.

* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

* You cannot unsay a cruel word.

* Every path has a few puddles.

* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

* The best sermons are lived, not preached.

* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.

* Don't judge folks by their relatives.

* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.

* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.

* Always drink upstream from the herd.

* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.

* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

 

[GunFarce]

Natures Balance, and those DAMN rabbits!!!

 

[jeff of pa]

Sometimes I just don't know...
BY : "Unknown"

ONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider," looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno.
Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy, "she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

SIX (which was debunked on snopes, but is still a good story)
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

SEVEN
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

EIGHT
Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

NINE
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer.....
Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency.

Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid!"

 

[GunFarce]

So much for Elmo!!

 

[GunFarce]

AND ! In keeping with the season...
(Requires shockwave, wait for first bang before aiming crosshairs(move mouse), fire using left mouse button)
"Have Fun"

http://www.geocities.com/billwild_0/deer/reindeer.htm


Also!!

Why a Little Angel is Always Perched
On Top of Your ChristmasTree

Once a long, long, time ago.. On a cold snowy, blowing day at The North Pole. Santa was packing all the toys for all the little girls and boys into a huge sack "HIMSELF". For just before Christmas Eve, all his elves walked out on strike. Leaving the house, he was halted at the door by Mrs. Claus, and handed a large stinking bag of garbage to deposit at the dump on his way south. "There " she said; "If you can't get a job like the other men at the North Pole, maybe you can do something around the house for a change". Gritting his teeth in anger Santa stomped toward his sleigh, slipped on the front porch and fell head first into a snow drift. Purple with rage, he picked himself up and plowed through the drifts to the Reindeer Barn.

The old wooden door was frozen hard to the ground after the freezing rain the night before. With pick and axe, he had the door open in an hour and a half, only to find out after gaining entry, three of his reindeer were sick and could not make the trip. Santa was beside himself with frustration.

Back to the house he stomped. Flinging open the door, he was met by Mrs. Claus. "What, you still here" she screamed! "Those toys will never get where their going if your going to play around all night"!

Steam was rising from Santa's collar, his eyes turned a bright red. Finding a hole torn in one of his new boots, and ripping his pants when he bent over to check it, was the final straw!!

** Santa Blew His Cool **

At that moment, a tiny knock was heard at the front door. "WHOSE THERE"? Bellowed Santa, as he flung it open. Looking down, he spotted a tiny little Angel with snow white wings, a golden Halo, and a pretty smile.

"Here's your Christmas Tree Santa! Where would you like me to put it"?

And THAT is why, to this very day, you will always find a little Angel mounted high on top of the
Christmas Tree

 

[stoney56]

Gunfarce, you are one sick individual.
(To the tune of Rudolph the -well you know) You know Dasher and Dancer, Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid, Donner and Blitzen. But do you know the most shot at Reindeer of all? LOL

 

[omnicognic]

As I'm merrily popping off rounds into reindeer, I hear the pitter patter of little feet behind me. I turn around to see my 6 y/o with tears welling up in his eyes. "What are you doing Daddy?" he asked tearfully "Why are you shooting Santa's reindeer?" "shnifff!" 10 seconds later he is mowing down reindeer with 100% accuracy naming them off as he fires gleefully! "Dasher!" BANG! "Dancer!" BANG! "Prancer!" BANG! "Vixen!" BANG! "Comet!" BANG! "Cupid!" BANG! "Donner!" BANG! "Blitzen!" BANG! "I win! I win!" "Set them up again Daddy!" I nearly wasn't able to wrestle my computer back! Then he asked.."If Santa crashes in our yard, do we get to keep all the toys?" Such is innocence lost! LOL

 

[stoney56]

Now that the snow is coming.

 

[jeff of pa]

Undertakers Humour
A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The undertaker asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.
She gives the undertaker a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?" To her astonishment, the undertaker presents her with the blank check.

"There's no charge," he says. "No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.
"Honestly, ma'am," the undertaker says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.
So I just switched the heads."

 

[JakePhelps]

LOL