Smart A$$ Answers

[stefen]

SMART ASS ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

SMART SS ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but shecouldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger ?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

SMART ASS ANSWER #3

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolleddown his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a
ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
reads,"Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him
and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets
out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and
says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this
bridge and ran out of gas."

NO 1 SMART ASS ANSWER

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I
won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might
consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death
in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A
smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What
would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter
sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student,
shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the
exam with your other hand."

 

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[lucky1777]

Funny stuff, thanks.

 

[PBK]

I once answered the phone in my parents' home, only to be told by a huffy matron, "Well! I had hoped to speak to someone more intelligent!"

"Certainly, madam," I replied in my most courteous tone. "Just hang up and go pray!"

 

[stefen]

I once answered the phone in my parents' home, only to be told by a huffy matron, "Well! I had hoped to speak to someone more intelligent!"

"Certainly, madam," I replied in my most courteous tone. "Just hang up and go pray!"

 

[fossis]

Funny !!!!!
Once after all the neighborhood had put out a runaway grass
fire, I (stupidly) asked the guy, got away from you huh?
he answered, " no the damm thing went right where I wanted it"

Fossis.................

 

[aa battery]

# 3

 

[borninok]

Here's one that I always liked...a friend passed it along to me one day when I was feeling down:


I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for Harley and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog...Duh!

I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head.

I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital.

I said no...I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.

 

[Arakronn]

I think those would all qualify for Bill Engval's "Here's your Sign".