Forum Humor

[warsawdaddy]

When Osama bin Laden died, George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates. He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive?" Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed." James Madison
followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!" Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Osama with a long cane and snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence." The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.

As Osama lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Bin Laden wept and said, "This is not what you promised me." The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"

 

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[b1pw3ha]

Speaking of store bought TP....and we were weren't we?? When I was a lad we had an outhouse and everone used a Sears and Roebuck catalog.? Just rip out a few pages and you were in business!? Then some low life used the womens foundations section!? Nearly ruined my sex life!

LOL, Monty I am sorry for ya.
But if you would have used the corn husks that your parents and grandparents used you sex life would have been back in business!!

 

[stoney56]

How to build a house in the North like Wisconsin and Minnesota.

 

[stoney56]

The latest map of Afghanistan.

 

[stoney56]

One of the inhabitants and what he sees in his rear view mirror.

 

[jeff of pa]

MERRY CHRISTMAS TALIBAN

http://www.funlol.com/funpages/taliban-christmas.html

 

[omnicognic]

Smart Bomb?

 

[stoney56]

A bit of Santa Humor

 

[stoney56]

Christmas is a time to slow down and relax.

 

[Gypsy Heart]

REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and

female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.

Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-butt man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

 

[Gypsy Heart]

Some wisdom

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,
for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much
leave
me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a
leaking tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the best time to do it.

4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.

6. No one is listening until you pass gas.

7. Always remember you're unique- Just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of
car
payments.

10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their
shoes.

11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and
he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.

14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.

16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes
from
bad judgment.

18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put
it
back in your pocket.

19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side,
and
it holds the universe together.

21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are
moving.

23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
25. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our
butt...Then
things get worse.

26. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
on
the same night.

27. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

28. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
seriously.

29. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to
make
a big deal about your birthday ... around age 11.

30. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

 

[jeff of pa]

.

 

[stoney56]

If large chested women work at---

 

[stoney56]

Then one-legged waitresses must work at----

 

[stoney56]

North and South

The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes
The South has 'mater samiches

The North has coffeehouses
The South has Waffle Houses

The North has dating services
The South has family reunions

The North has switchblade knives
The South has Lee Press-on Nails

The North has double last names
The South has double first names

The North has Ted Kennedy
The South has Jesse Helms

The North has an ambulance,
The South has an amalance

The North has the Mafia,
The South has NASCAR

The North has Indy car races
The South has Swamp Buggy races

The North has Cream of Wheat or Oatmeal
The South has grits

The North has green salads
The South has collard greens and chitlins

The North has lobsters
The South has crawdads

The North has Distilleries, Breweries, and liquor stores
The South has stills, shine, and them ridgerunners

The North has the rust belt
The South has the Bible Belt

The North has Dan Quayle
The South has Bill Clinton

 

[stoney56]

BE HAPPY WITH YOUR LAST NAME

 

[stoney56]

There's so much stuff on the internet that they've come with a new program for 2006.

 

[stoney56]

New EPA requirements for nuclear missiles:

"Thus, if the Minuteman III ICBMs have to be used in some future nuclear war, their rocket motors will not pollute the atmosphere. EPA regulations do not apply in foreign countries, so no changes are being made to reduce the harmful environmental effects of the nuclear warheads"

That's right folks, Uncle Sam's ICBM arsenal is now more environmentally friendly because their propulsion has been reworked in order to meet EPA regulations.

 

[jeff of pa]

New EPA requirements for nuclear missiles:

"Thus, if the Minuteman III ICBMs have to be used in some future nuclear war, their rocket motors will not pollute the atmosphere. EPA regulations do not apply in foreign countries, so no changes are being made to reduce the harmful environmental effects of the nuclear warheads"

That's right folks, Uncle Sam's ICBM arsenal is now more environmentally friendly because their propulsion has been reworked in order to meet EPA regulations.

Yea,
But Can we Fine a Foreign Country

IF they Send a Bunch over here & Pollute Us 8)

 

[stoney56]

Yea,
? ?But Can we Fine a Foreign Country

IF they Send a Bunch over here & Pollute Us? 8)

Not really, foreign policy dictates that we return them with cataclysmic converters.