Forum Humor

[jeff of pa]

TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO A CHEAPER HEALTH CARE
PLAN:

(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

(9) Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter
the trailer park."

(-8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

(7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

(6) The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is "an apple a
day."

(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill
last month.

(4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," is not
a typographical error.

(3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."

(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED A VERY CHEAP HEALTH CARE PLAN:

(1) You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape.

 

Amazon Forum Fav 👍

Minelab PRO-FIND 35 Waterproof Pinpointer Metal Detector for Experts with Tone ID & Adjustable Sensitivity - Grab it through Amazon!

[northeast hunter]

LOL

 

[northeast hunter]

LOL

 

[GunFarce]

The kindergartners were now in the first grade. Their teacher wanted them to be
more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten. She told them to use
grown up words instead of baby words. She then asked them to tell her what they
did during the summer.

The first little one said he went to see his Nana. The teacher said, 'No, you went to
see your grandmother. Use the grown up-word.'

The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo. The teacher again said,
'No, No, you went on a trip on a train. That's the grown-up word.'

Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the summer.

He proudly stated that he read a book.
The teacher asked what book he had read.
He puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied, 'Winnie the Sh*t.'

 

[stoney56]

Here's a few

 

[Kentucky Kache]

 

[northeast hunter]

2 more

 

[ashleen]

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to
make their days interesting. Here's one response:

Well for example, the other day I went into town and went to a
shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out
there
was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and
said,
"Come on mate, how about giving a senior a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another
ticket for
having worn tires.

So I called him a piece of dog shit. He finished the second
ticket
and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the
more
tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't give a shit. I came into
town
by bus.
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's
important at
my age.

 

[stoney56]

Dear Technical Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, here are apparently conflicts between these two products, and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 3pm, and Playboy 6.9.

Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. A shareware program, Party Girl 2.1, which I tried, had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other, they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I then upgraded to Fianc?e 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSex Plus and Cleanhouse 2003.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 can be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail Filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and WhingeExcel. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processes that drain my resources.

These conflict with some of the new games I wanted to try out, warning me that they are an illegal operation. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT hard drive, it often crashes.

Wife 1.0 also comes with a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-In-Law, which can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all of your Money files before uninstalling itself.

Any help on this matter would be most gratefully received.

 

[stoney56]

MIGHT AS WELL GO FISHING

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I?ll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to see how things went.

"How many sales did you make today?"

The young man replied without hesitating, "One."

The boss said, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid said, "$101,237.64."

The boss said, "$101,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!"

the kid said, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn?t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Blazer."

Amazed, the boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?"

"No, he came here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend?s shot, you might as well go fishing.'"

 

[northeast hunter]

LOL

 

[Jeffro]

One day while traveling down the interstate a guy was pulled over by the local police, obviously a speed trap as he had came out of nowhere....

After taking down the guys information, the cop said "Ok I just need a little more info.... what's your occupation?"

The man replied " I work at the hospital and I'm a rectum stretcher."

Officer- " A rectum stretcher? What do you mean?"

Man- " Well, I start out reall gentle and work my way up til I have that baby stretched out to about six feet or so.."

Officer- "What the heck do you DO with a six foot rectum?"

Man- "Give him a radar gun and park him behind a billboard on the interstate...."

(May have crossed some sort of line with THAT one, dump if necessary, lol)

 

[Gypsy Heart]

---

Special Bulletin from the Pentagon
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite
fighting
unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces.

These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri,
Oklahoma,
Tennessee, and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been
given
only the following facts about terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.

 

[Kentucky Kache]

Fact is, there is alot of these guys over there, dying for us. I guess that gives us freedom to make fun of them.

 

[Gypsy Heart]

Hope you didnt think I was making fun of them...Because I definately am not....just thought they could do something in short order as my family is as redneck as they come and I am pretty proud of that and everyone in the military. I have several redneck cousins in the military right now ,that could show the rest of the guys a thing or two....

 

[jeff of pa]

---

Special Bulletin from the Pentagon
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

? The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite
fighting
? unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces.

? These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri,
Oklahoma,
? Tennessee, and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been
given
? only the following facts about terrorists:

? 1. The season opened today.
? 2. There is no limit.
? 3. They taste just like chicken.
? 4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
? 5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

? The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.

LOL

 

[stoney56]

Here's a couple for those digging out in the Northeast.

 

[jeff of pa]

OH MAN, JEFF !

? what did they do ? leave their windows down ??

I lucked out. the main Part of the storm stayed south East of me.

Maby 4 - 5 Inches out there. I havn't been out yet.
? My Neighbor Plowed my Driveway.

? My Neighbors must have gotten together & shoveled my snow again.
They must do it in a "Stealthy" kind of way.
They got my Sidewalk, & porch.
and by the way it looks, there were at least 2 of them..
And I Unfortunately have no Idea Who.

 

[stoney56]

Fact is, there is alot of these guys over there, dying for us. I guess that gives us freedom to make fun of them.

BTW jbot, have you ever read "Humor In Uniform" in Reader's Digest? They not only tell jokes about the military but they also make fun of their own mistakes. Besides, I have friends and family over there now and they could always use a good joke.

 

[Gypsy Heart]

After sending the following email to a cousin in CA, he sent me this one about Californians......I thought it was funny!


Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading in America,
Arkansans and Missourians will no longer be referred to as

"HILLBILLIES."

You must now refer to us as OZARK-AMERICANS.

So he sent:

Californians
So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan
jokes, you know you're from California if:
1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a
conversation in English.
4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring,
and is named Flower.
5. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm
donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans
are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and
Ethiopian.
8. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?
9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S ..
11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a
baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really
IS George Clooney.
12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
13. You can't remember . . . .is pot illegal?
14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every
news station: "STORM WATCH."
15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children
are all busy with their cells or pagers.
16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work
an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal?
18. Both you AND your dog have therapists.
19. The Terminator is your governor.
20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If
you're here illegally, they want to give you one.