OK..Post your absolute best joke here! Only the best you have heard!

[Baldingboy]

OK, we all have 'em. Let's hear them. What is the best joke you have ever heard? I will start us off:

A man from the city is out driving in the country and comes across a beautiful farm where he pulls over to take a break and soak up the scenery. His attention falls upon a farmer who is, to his amazement, lifting up his pigs in the farm yard, and letting them bite apples off of the trees.

He watches this for several minutes and finds his relaxation turns to frustration and feels he simply must say something to the farmer about this. He burst out of his car and runs over the farmer and says, "I have been watching this and tried to bite my tongue, but that is the most ineffective way I have ever seen to feed pigs!" "Why don't you just shake the tree and let the apples fall to the ground"?

The farmer gets a confused look on his face and finally says, "Yeah, but what is time to a pig?"

Your turn.

 

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[duffytrash]

when my cousin got married,he didnt know the difference between vasaline and putty...when he got back from his honeymoon he found all his windows fell out...

 

[Montana Jim]

A baby seal walks into a club.

 

[PBK]

A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t appear to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other hunter whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

He screams to the operator, “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice says, “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence, followed by a deafening gunshot blast.

“Okay,” the hunter says. “Now what?”

 

[Kentucky Kache]

A group of easterners are traveling through the old west when they come upon an old Indian laying still, with his ear to the ground.
"What are you doing", asked one of the easterners.
"Stage coach, four riders, headed south, moving fast", the Indian replied.
The easterners looked at each other in amazement.
"You can tell all that just by listening to the ground?"
"No", said the old Indian, "They just ran over me".

 

[warsawdaddy]

MJ - that's terrible! Good thing it will go over most of their heads.

 

[stoney56]

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement, turn right 45 Degrees."


"Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"


"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

 

[Rob66]

I don't know to many clean jokes I can share......Darn.

 

[Rob66]

Oh I know....

Did you hear O.J was remarring? Ya, he's going to take another stab....at it.

maybe that was tooo much, you can remove it if you like.

 

[bean man]

1873, Dodge City Kansas. Stranger rides in to town, stops at the Longbranch saloon. He thirsty and wants a drink. He walks in, and is just about to order, when all of a sudden, a guy burst in and yells " EVERBODY RUN, WILD BILL'S COMIN". People are diving out windows, running out the back door. Next thing you know, the stranger's standing there alone. The stranger grabs a bottle of whiskey, and is going to help hisself, when he heard a noise. The stranger goes over to the swinging doors, looks out, and see's what looks like a small tornado, coming down the street. Suddenly, he realizes it's a huge man, riding a buffalo, with two rattlesnakes for whips. The burly, shirtless man, stops the buffalo in front of the Longbranch, steps off, and knocks the buffalo out with a punch to the head. The stranger backs away as the man approached and kicked the doors of their hinges. The giant muscled man walks in, looks at the stranger and yells "BARTENDER, WHISKEY" The stranger, hand shaking, hands him the bottle and says, "CCCan I get yyou aa gglass" The huge man screams, "NO" as bites the top of the bottle off and guzzles whiskey, he then looks around nervously, and says, "Ain't got time, Wild Bill's comin"

 

[Montana Jim]

MJ - that's terrible! Good thing it will go over most of their heads.

8)

 

[goldencoin]

My favorite historical joke:

Back in the thirties, giant dust storms roamed the plains and swallowed up most anything

An easterner was walking along the road and sees a brand new 10 gallon hat on the side of the road. He picks it up and is surprised to see a head under it. He realizes it is a cowboy who was caught up in a dust storm. The easterner asks the man if he is ok, and he says "ya, but I feel bad for my horse"



HH
-GC

 

[Montana Jim]

PATIENT: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my a$$."

DOCTOR: "I've got some cream for that."

 

[gollum]

Ancient Chinese proverb say, man who stand all day with hand in pocket feel cocky.""



Mike

 

[gollum]

Ancient Chinese proverb say, "Woman who put husband in dog house should be careful or he wind up in cat house."

 

[gollum]

There was a Catholic Priest, a Methodist Minister, and Jewish Rabbi talking to each other about how they split up all the money that people donate.

The Catholic Priest said that back in the rectory, they draw a big circle on the floor. They then throw all the money up in the air. The money that lands in the circle they give to the poor , and the money that lands outside the circle the church keeps.

The Methodist Minister said that they have the same circle, but when they throw the money in the air, whatever lands in the circle the church keeps, and the money that lands outside the circle they give to the poor.

The Rabbi then says (imagine your best New York Jewish accent) "Soycles? Vat are ya talkin about soykles? Ve trow de money up in de air, and vat God vants, God keeps."

Best,

Mike

 

[Baldingboy]

Great jokes!! Keep 'em coming.

 

[gollum]

I can't tell my Marine Jokes, too many people would want to kill me if I did (when I was at 3rd Ranger Bn, we told these jokes EVERY time we went to Camp Lejeune for training with Marine Force Recon Bn. They started a bar fight EVERY time). I will only tell it if three Marines give me permission. I won't care if anybody tells Navy or Army Jokes (I was in both).

Ancient Chinese proverb states: man who go through turnstyle sideways is going to Bangkok.

Mike

 

[gollum]

The Secretary of the Navy, the Secretary of the Army , and the Commandant of the Marine Corps are having an argument over whose people are the most fearless. They agree to visit one each of their bases and prove who had the tougher troops.

First, they went to Norfolk Navy Base. The Admiral sees a young squiddly up painting near the top of the radar bridge of a ship. He yells up at the young Seaman, "SAILOR! I want you to jump down to the pier RIGHT NOW!" The Seaman yells "AYE AYE, SIR!" and does a swan dive right down to the pier to his death. Everybody exclaims, "WOW! That was fearless." They all agreed that the remaining two had a tough act to follow.

Next, they went to Fort Benning, Ga. to the Airborne Training Battalion (Jump School). The Army General orders one of the young airborne troopers to go up in an airplane to 10,000 feet, and make his jump without a parachute. The trooper says, HOOAH SIR! The aircraft takes off, and climbs to 10,000 feet. As they are all watching through binoculars, they see the trooper exit the aircraft, assume the position of Attention, and fall to his death. "OH MY GOD!" They all say. That was the bravest thing I have ever seen, they all agreed. THAT would indeed be a tough act to follow!

Lastly, they went to Camp Lejeune, NC. The Marine General sees a group of Marines having bayonet training. The General yells to one of his Marines, "Private! I want you to fall on yor own bayonet, RIGHT NOW!" The young Marine looks at his weapon. Looks at the General. Thinks for a moment, and then flips the bird to the General, and yells, "F*** YOU GENERAL!" They were speechless! They all agreed then and there, THAT was without a doubt, the bravest thing they had ever seen!

Best,

Mike

 

[bakergeol]

I like these two

A lawyer and two friends (a lawyer with friends? ok, you know this is a joke), a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer. The farmer said "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn."

"No problem," chimed the Rabbi, "My people wandered in the desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening." With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.

Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door. There stood the Rabbi from the barn.

"What's wrong?" asked the farmer.

He replied, "I am grateful to you , but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."

His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes late the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door.

"What's wrong, now?" the farmer asks.

The Hindu holy man replies, "I too am grateful for your helping us out but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!"

Well, that leaves only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another knock on the farmers door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood.... the pig and the cow.





Who do you sue?
Two attorneys boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, a doctor took the aisle seat next to the two attorneys.

The doctor kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the attorney in the window seat said, "I think I will get up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the doctor. "I'll get it for you."

While the doctor was gone, one of the attorneys picked up one of the, doctor's shoes and spat in it. When he returned with the coke the other attorney said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the doctor obligingly went to fetch the coke. While he was gone, the other attorney picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The doctor returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the doctor slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on," asked the doctor, "this fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"


George