OK..Post your absolute best joke here! Only the best you have heard!

[Rob66]

"lesbe friends!!! "

"Homo.. you don.t"

 

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[mastereagle22]

When you work with one that tells jokes all the time you just listen and don't reply.

 

[levis_dad]

A string walks into a bar and orders a drink, to which the bartender replies, "sorry, we don't serve strings here."
So the string walks toward the door and finds the biggest, baddest biker in the place and asks him to come outside.
Once outside, the string asks the biker to fray his ends and tie him into a huge knot. The biker does just that.
The string walks back to the bartender and orders a drink. The bartender says, "didn't I tell you, we don't serve strings here!" The string says, "I'm not a string." The bartender repeats, "you're not a string?" The string says, "nope, I'm a frayed knot."

 

[LadyDigger]

Here's your laugh for the day........

Two hillbillies walk into a Dairy Queen. While having a couple of Blizzards, they talk privately about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, eating a chicken sandwich, begins to cough. After a while, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue, eyes widen and shakes her head no. The hillbilly strolls over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a long lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. She begins to breathe again, the hillbilly ambles smugly back to his table. His buddy says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it.


If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.
BUT........if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free.......
You either married it or gave birth to it!!!!!

 

[Arakronn]

A set of jumper cables walk into a bar. Bartender says "ok, I'll serve you, just don't start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar. Bartender says "We don't serve food here."

A guy walks into a bar with a chuck of asphalt under his arm and says to the bartender, "One for me and one for the road".

How do you spot the blind guy at a nude beach? It's not hard.

A bear walks into a bar and says "I'll have a....................................beer."
Bartender asks "Why the big pause?"
Bear replies "Don't know, always had them."

 

[Rob66]

Three hillbillies decide to go on a plane ride and see the Grand Canyon.....As they were flying around,the plane started make weird noises.... and the pilot jumped out of his seat with a parachute and says:

" Sorry guys... the plane is going down and there's only two parachute left. see ya!!!!"
And he jumped out.

The first hill Billy grabbed a parachute , and said:

"I have four kids and a wife to feed." and he jumped out.

The second hillbilly graped the next one and proclaimed: he was too young to die and he just got his first metal detector. And jumped out.

The last hillbilly freaked out and started to panic....then he noticed an extra parachute grabbed it and put it on, then he looked around and says:
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"Where the hell is my packpack?"

 

[DANGLANGLEY]

Do you know how to catch a polar bear?

You cut a big circle about 4 feet across out of the ice and wait till the water starts to freeze again. You pour a can of peas into the hole. You then stand back and wait for the polar bear to come and take a pea and then you kick him in the ice hole.

DANGLANGLEY

 

[VERMONTPACKRAT]

A woman was found dead in town this morning. She had a banana in her a$$ and a mouthful of corn flakes.........
they think it was a cereal killer.

 

[Old Dog]

last winter it was sooooo cold here

the lawyers went around

With their hands in their own pockets!

 

[willie d]

Why don't blind people skydive?













Because it scares the sh$t out of their dogs!

 

[Darren in NC]

A woman was found dead in town this morning. She had a banana in her a$$ and a mouthful of corn flakes.........
they think it was a cereal killer.

ROTFL!

 

[Jeffro]

I rear ended this guy the other day, it was just a little fender bender, no big deal- but he blew it WAY out of proportion! Little bitty guy, too, all of about 4 foot 9". He comes storming out of his car towards me, puts his hands on his hips and shouts out " I am NOT happy!"

I said, "Well, which one ARE you, then?"

 

[willie d]

I rear ended this guy the other day, it was just a little fender bender, no big deal- but he blew it WAY out of proportion! Little bitty guy, too, all of about 4 foot 9". He comes storming out of his car towards me, puts his hands on his hips and shouts out " I am NOT happy!"

I said, "Well, which one ARE you, then?"

He's grumpy LOL

 

[Groovedymond]

Two blondes are sitting around one day. One asks the other,

"Which do you think is further away? Florida..... or the moon?"

The other turns to her and says,

"Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh... jeesh your soooo stupid.... like, can you SEE florida?!?!? Jeeesh"

 

[Old Dog]

Two kids fishing at the local pond ...
The game warden decides to check the liscences.
As soon as he IDs himself one kid jumps up and runs like mad, but just fast enough to keep the game warden from catching him.
suddenly he stops, turns and faces the Warden. "What do you want?"

The warden says "I need to see your fishing liscence, Right Now!".

So the kid obliges.
The Warden says"If you had the liscence why did you run? and especially so far from your pole?"

The kid says "I am sure my buddy has my pole,"
"But he doesen't have a liscence".

 

[DANGLANGLEY]

Four Married Guys Go Metal Detecting


After an hour, the first guy says, "You have no idea
what I had to do to be able to come out metal detecting this
weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint
every room in the house next weekend."

The second guy says: "That is nothing, I had to
promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for
the new pool."

The third guy says: "Man, you both have it easy! I had
to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen
for her."

They continue to metal detect when they realize that the
fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him.
"You haven't said anything about what you had to do to
be able to come this weekend. What's the deal?"

The fourth guy said: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am.
When it went off, I shut off the alarm, gave the wife
a nudge and said, "Metal Detecting or Sex" and she said,

"Take Extra Batteries."

 

[mastereagle22]

Oh that sounds familar!

 

[Old Dog]

I Want a NEW Metel Detector!!!

 

[Rob66]

Two blondes are sitting around one day. One asks the other,

"Which do you think is further away? Florida..... or the moon?"

The other turns to her and says,

"Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh... jeesh your soooo stupid.... like, can you SEE florida?!?!? Jeeesh"

LoL.... love it!!!

 

[Rob66]

Who's that lady on the pancake syrup bottle?

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*Ain't your daddy either!