OK..Post your absolute best joke here! Only the best you have heard!

[Baldingboy]

A grasshopper walks into a bar.
The bartender says "Hey we got a drink named after you"







The grasshopper says "You have a drink name STEVE?"

 

[Rob66]

a little girl runs to her Mommy with two grasshoppers in her hand.

She looks up at her mother innocently, and asked:
"Are there such things as boys grasshoppers?"

Her mother replied: "Why of course dear"

Then the little girl asked: "Are there such things as girls grasshoppers?"

The mother was about to reply when she stopped and thought about it.
Thinking that the little girl may be wondering about sex, she replied: NO!

The little girl backed up in shock..., and slams... her hands togeather yelled:








"Dam f----ts!!!!!!!!"

Remember it's just a joke!!!!

 

[stefen]

Subject: Getting Even


One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a
sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all
matted down.

We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.

We didn't know what to call her so we named her "Putty-Cat".

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us

know when we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said,
"OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks." He reminded the vet
that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.

My husband and my vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband
'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'.

They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband
getting in the last word on this particular occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is
located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD's waiting
room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor.

A side door opened and the vet leaned in, he had obviously seen my husband arrive.

He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, "Your
wife's Putty doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now
she smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant.

God only knows who the father is!" Then he closed the door.

 

[beavis]

What the egg said to the boiling water :::: Don't expect me to get hard, I was just laid !!!

 

[Montana Jim]

What the egg said to the boiling water :::: Don't expect me to get hard, I was just laid !!!

 

[Rob66]

Superman was flying over Wonder Woman's house one day, and decide to use his X-ray vision to take a peek. He saw Wonder Woman laying there on her bed naked, and with her legs spread.

He says to himself:
" I will just fly down there with my super speed... and do her, she won't even know."

So He did.
Not once, but twice!!
He was satisfied and flew off with a smile.

Meanwhile.......below, Wonder Woman asked:
"What the hell is wrong with you?"

The invisible man replies:



I don't know but my ass sure hurts.

 

[Rob66]

What does NASA stands for?





Need Another Seven Astronaut.

 

[Tubecity]

Two young boys are peeing in an alley when one says,"I can't wait till I grow up & can hold it with 4 fingers like my big brother". The other kid says, " Well, you're holdin yours with 4 fingers. The first kid says,
"Yea, but I'm peein on 3 of them".

 

[Tubecity]

A guys driving down a country road in his new 400 horsepower sports
car going about 40mph. He looks out & there's a 3 legged chicken running right beside him. He's amazed, he goes 60mph, the chicken is still there, 80mph there's that chicken. Now he's mad, he hits over 120mph & the chicken passes him ,shoots down the road & cuts into a farm yard. The guy drives up & there are 3 legged chickens everywhere, he tells the farmer that's amazing & asks where he got them. The old guy says I bred em cause people like drumsticks & I could make some money on them. The hot rodder says , good idea, what do they taste like. the farmer says "damn if I know, I can't catch the sum-bi#*hes either.

 

[bakergeol]

A man visits the doctor's because he has a severe stuttering problem. After a thorough...
examination, the doctor consults with the patient.

Doctor: "It appears that the reason for your stuttering is that your penis is about six inches too long and it is thus pulling on your vocal cords, and thereby causing you this annoying problem of stuttering."

"Ddddd octttor. Whhaaat cccan I dddo?"

The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and states that there is a procedure where we can free up the strain on the vocal cords by removing the six inches from the penis and freeing him from this horrible problem. The patient stuttering badly states that this problem has caused him so much embarrassment as well as loss of employment that anything would be worth it. The doctor plans for the procedure. The operation is a success and six months later the patient comes in for his check up.

Patient: Doctor, the operation was a success. I have not stuttered since the operation. I have a great job and my self esteem is fantastic. However, there is one problem, my wife says that she sort of misses the great sex we used to have before the extra six inches were removed. So I was wondering if it is possible to reattach those six inches.

The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and says: "I dddoonnnbt ttthhhinkkkk thatttt wooould bbbbee possssssibbble!"

 

[gollum]

What does NASA stands for?





Need Another Seven Astronaut.

That was funny in about 1981.

 

[Rob66]

Ya I know..Thought I throw it in there too.My son came home one day with that one.

Now for my jokes......


A truck driver was going down the road one day with a parrot on his shoulder and spotted a good looking gal hitch hiking,he pulled over and says,

" No sex, no ride."

"Creep!!!!" she replied.

The truck driver took off again while his parrot was laughting at him.
Then he spotted another gal, even prettier than the first.
He pulled over again and says,

"Hey good looking, no sex no ride"
She tried to throw a rock at him, but he took of really quickly.

So the truck driver went off on his merry way, Then he noticed his parrot was missing .

"Where the hell is that dam bird?"
He looked in his side mirror and saw his parrot throwing chickens... out the back of this truck saying,
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"barrrrrc....No sex no ride.....barrrrc.....No sex no ride.!!!!!"

 

[Tony M SE IA]

A blind man walks into a bar, he sits down and gets a drink. He then asks the bartender if he wants to hear a blonde joke. The bartender says well you should know I am blond, the 6foot guy next to you is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, the lady on the other side of you is blonde and the guy in the booth behind you is blonde. Do you still want to tell the blonde joke?
The blind man says not if I am going to have to repeat it 5 times




Pregnant Blonde

The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the
driveway just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy.
I thought, what the heck, and I starting jumping up and down along with her.
She said, "I have some really great news!"I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy."
She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and
down, told me that she was pregnant! I knew that she had been trying for a while
so I told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!"

Then she said, "There's more." I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"
She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have twins!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how
she knew. She said...


"That was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a
home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!"






An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening
with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking
for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and
showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special"

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock
and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000",
the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled
with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check.
"I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and
you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up
Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

Don't mess with Old People.

 

[Old Dog]

A beautiful blond dies and ends up standing at the gates of heaven.

St. Peter comes out and decides to have some fun.
He tells her that yes she is welcome inside if she can answer just one question.

the blond thinks for a minute, then agrees .

Peter asks "What is Easter?"

The blond thinks again, then replies...
"It is a Christian Holy day that corresponds with the Jewish Passover.
It celebrates the third day after the crucifixion of Christ.
That was the day He rose from the dead."

St Peter is astounded... Speechless, to say the least.

So the blond continues

"Yes, every Easter, Jesus rolls the stone away from the tomb, he comes out and if he sees his shadow ... there is six more weeks of Basketball!!

 

[kldrawdy]

A WWII American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught a boat to a supply base in the south of England, then took a train to London. The train was extremely crowded and he could not locate a seat.

He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking for a place to sit down. Finally, he found a compartment with seats facing each other. There was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only an older proper-looking British lady, with a small dog sitting in the seat beside her.

"Could I please sit in that seat," he asked.

The woman insulted him, saying, "You Americans are so rude. Can't you see my dog is sitting there?"

The exhausted man walked through the train again and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place.

"Lady, I love dogs. I even have a couple at home. I would be glad to hold your dog if I can just sit down." The snooty woman replied, "You Americans are not only rude, but you are also arrogant!"

He leaned against the wall for a time, utterly exhausted and finally said, "Lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time. Could I just please sit there and hold your dog?"

The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude and arrogant but you are also obnoxious."

Hearing her comment, the soldier calmly stepped forward, picked up the dog, threw it out the window. Then he sat down where the dog had been sitting. The lady was awestruck and speechless.

Across the isle, an older neatly dressed Englishman spoke up,

You Americans always do it all wrong, you drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the window!"

 

[Rob66]

Did you hear about the dumb ass that drowned in the back of his truck?
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Poor guy...........he could'nt get his tail gate down.

 

[Groovedymond]

The two i've always treasured are:

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

Lapalotapus


What is green and red and goes round and round and round?

A frog in a blender.


Now, the lesbian one I actually heard from a lesbian. The frog one .. don't know why. Just randomly as the day goes on, just say, "AHHHH... Frog in a blender".

 

[Rob66]

A cowboy rode into town one day; as the good people looked on curiously.He stops at the saloon,got off his horse, tide it up, then went to the back of his horse lifted the tail, stuck his finger in the horses rear end, got out a little shit and smeared it all over his lips....

The men standing in and outside the saloon looked at each other and started laughing.

"Hey partner....what the hell did you do that for??"Asked, one of the men.

The cowboy looks up and replied,"I have chapped lips....."

"How the hell..... is that going to help you"
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"Well....it keeps me from licking them."

 

[mastereagle22]

The two i've always treasured are:

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

Lapalotapus


What is green and red and goes round and round and round?

A frog in a blender.




Now, the lesbian one I actually heard from a lesbian. The frog one .. don't know why. Just randomly as the day goes on, just say, "AHHHH... Frog in a blender".

The person that told me that joke, also a lesbian, said lickalotapus Funny either way.

 

[packerbacker]

Guy dies and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter is there to welcome him. St. Peter asks the guy if he had ever done any good deeds while on Earth that would make him worthy of entering into heaven. The guy thought for a while and then responded. "Well, I was driving along the freeway and noticed a bunch of motorcycles that were surrounding a car parked along the roadside. There were about ten bikers and a very petite young lady. The bikers were harassing the girl, pushing her around and grabbing at her clothes. I decided to stop and help her. As I walked back towards them I asked which one of you bullies was in charge. Of course the biggest guy there said he was the gang's leader. I proceded to walk up to this guy and punched him square in the nose. I told him to take his gang and get the hell outta there and leave the poor girl alone." St. Peter was impressed! "Wow", he said. "That's a very nice thing to do for that little lady. That may be enough to get you into heaven. When did all of this take place?" The guy responded, "Oh, about 5 minutes ago".