OK..Post your absolute best joke here! Only the best you have heard!

[gollum]

Once there was an airplane flying over the mountains. Inside there was a Mexican, a Texan, an Arab, and a Frenchman. The pilot called back and said that the plane was too heavy and they would never make it over the next mountain. They would have to jettison some weight. The passengers threw out everything they could, but it wasn't enough. The Arab stepped up and said he would sacrifice himself for the others. He yelled ALLAH U AKHBAR! and jumped out. The pilot yelled they were still too heavy, so the Frenchman stepped up and yelled "SE LA VIE! SE LA GUERRE!" and jumped out. The pilot yelled they were still too heavy and they were running out of time, so the Texan stepped up and yelled "REMEMBER THE ALAMO!" and threw out the Mexican!

Best,

Mike

 

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[gollum]

One day while the Israeli Prime Minister, The Palestinian Prime Minister, and the President of the United States were negotiating peace, a genie popped up and said he would grant each one of them ONE WISH!

The Israeli Prime Minister said he wished for a 1000 foot wall to be erected all the way around Palestine. Then POOOOF! There was a 1000 foot high wall completely surrounding Palestine.

Then the Palestinian Prime Minister wished for ALL the Jews to be removed from inside the wall. POOOOOF! Instantly, all the Jews were gone from inside the wall.

The President of the United States thought for a second, then told the genie, "Now fill it up with water."

Best,

Mike

 

[bean man]

Mike, I want to here the jarhead jokes.

 

[gollum]

You a Marine?

M

 

[Jeffro]

How do you circumcize a lawyer?

Pull on his necktie REAL hard!



A Rabbi walks into a bar and the bartender looks up and says "What is this, some kind of joke?".....

 

[bean man]

Chesty Puller and Carlos Hathcock are my hero's and I know all three verses of the Marine Corp Hymn. Now you know only a jarhead thinks like that! I was a FFF Marine. Fighting F____ Fifth.

 

[stefen]

Gut genug der jüdischen Witze

 

[Casull]

How can you tell the difference between a dead skunk in the middle of the road and a dead attorney in the middle of the road? There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

How do they separate the men from the boys in the Greek navy? With a crowbar.

How many attorneys does it take to shingle a roof? It depends on how thin you slice them.

 

[PJ in WI]

A guy walks into a bar for a night cap and is surprised to find the bartender is a robot. The man orders a martini and was surprised that this was the best martini he ever had. The robot asks him what his IQ was. The man replies 165 so the robot talks to him about NASA, speed of light and nuclear physics. The man finishes his drink and walks out. He says to himself, I have to go back and do this again. He walks back in, orders another martini and again it's the best martini he ever had. Just like before the robot asks him his IQ and this time he replies 100. This time the robot talked about hunting, fishing and Nascar. The man finishes his drink and leaves. Once again the man decides he has to go back and try it again. Just like before he orders another martini and it turns out to be the best. This time though when the robot asks him his IQ, he replies 50. The robot says so you been a Democrat your whole life.

 

[goldencoin]

2 men walk into a bar, the third one ducks

what was the last thing the fly saw before he hit the windshield?
his a__ hole



HH
-GC

 

[Montana Jim]

2 men walk into a bar, the third one ducks

what was the last thing the fly saw before he hit the windshield?
his a__ hole



HH
-GC

Classics... I like the one liners.

 

[gollum]

Chesty Puller and Carlos Hathcock are my hero's and I know all three verses of the Marine Corp Hymn. Now you know only a jarhead thinks like that! I was a FFF Marine. Fighting F____ Fifth.

OK. Since you, Chesty Puller, and Carlos Hathcock want to hear the jokes here they are (although we'll have to get out the Ouija Board to ask Chesty and Carlos how they like the jokes):

First,

Q: Do you know what a leatherneck is?

A: It's a gasket for a jarhead!

Here, my friends, is the fight starter:

Q: What do a platoon of Marines and a bunch of bananas have in common?

A: They all start out green, and in the end, they turn yellow and die in bunches!

You asked for it!

Best,

Mike

 

[gollum]

Now here's an Army one:

An Army Soldier was at the airport in Atlanta, between flights. He went into the bathroom, and saw a little boy playing with a pile of $hit on the floor. He was horrified. He asked the kid, "What are you doing playing with that crap?"

The little boy said "I'm making a sailor." The Army Soldier started laughing hysterically, and ran out of the bathroom. In the terminal, he found a Marine, and grabbed him by the arm, and said "YOU HAVE TO COME SEE THIS!" He dragged the marine into the bathroom, and told the Marine to ask the little kid what he was doing.

The Marine was repulsed, but said, "Kid. What are you doing playing with that crap?" The little boy said "I'm making a sailor." The Marine couldn't hold it back. He and the Soldier were laughing hysterically. They both said "We have to find a squid for this one!" They ran around the terminal until they found a Sailor walking around. They dragged him into the bathroom, and told him to ask the kid what he was doing.

Seeing what the kid was covered with made him nauseus but he said "KID! What are you doing playing with that $hit like that?" The kid replied "I'M making a sailor." The sailor got a little offended, and stood up straight. He said "What do you mean you are making a sailor?"

The kid replied "I didn't have enough $hit to make an Army Man"

Best,

Mike

 

[bean man]

Do you know what sound, $hit hitting the fan makes?



MARRRRINE!

 

[gollum]

That's almost as old as this one:

A Sailor and a Marine were in a bathroom at different urinals. The sailor finishes first, and goes to walk out, when the Marine says to him "In the Marine Corps, they teach us to wash our hands after we pee!"

The Sailor replies "In the Navy they teach us not to pee on our hands."

Mike

 

[bearbqd]

One of my favorites:

What did the blonde say when she saw the Cheerios??













Look, Donut seeds!

 

[gollum]

Q: What's the blonde mating call?

A: "I'm sooooo drunk!"


Q: Whats the redhead mating call?

A: "Oh look, the blonde's gone."

Mike

 

[Rob66]

What does a screen door and a blond have in common?

"The more you bang it, the losser it gets."

 

[Rob66]

How do you say virgin in german?


"Goodentight"

 

[Rob66]

A soldier was riding his horse along a trail when he saw an Indian.
He stopped and asked the Indian," Excuse me stranger, but can you tell me where this road goes?"


The Indian replied,
















"Road stay, YOU GO!"