An original Treasure Net Story

[Spitfire Reddie]

Aunt Martha : Buford had always done right by me and his ghost has been visiting me at night to tell me where he put the treasure he left !!............

 

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[Jeffro]

And all went along just fine for several years, until the revenuers showed up one day...

 

[Monty]

"No, No Marthie, you old bird brain, it's that shine you drink out of that creosote barrel that makes you see things", the old miser exclaimed! "Actually I'm not an old miser at all , rather the Arch Duke of Waterbury, sonny", he said, dribbling a little spittle from his lower lip and staring at me with his one eye while the other eye looked toward the other wall of the room! "You talking to me I said?" I hadn't notice how cockeyed he was until now. "And the name is Hilbert, not Sonny", I said with a smirk as I absent mindedly scratched my........................

 

[buscadero]

Sure, Good ole Buford! " Couldn't wait till each one reached 12 years so he could sell 'em off as indentures!" "8 yrs of Legal Slavery, it was!"

"Made him a tidy sum, he did!" "Quite a family tree you got there, Martha!" "Now you can see why I tried to hide it all these years!"







(Hope the Continuity is ok! Wrote my reply as #21,but by the time I posted it, 4 more got ahead of me!)

 

[Spitfire Reddie]

.....during all the commotion i slipped out the back door of the old shack.I could still hear Hank & Aunt Martha in a screaming match about Buford.........

 

[madfranks]

I walked out the back door and began digging, digging so much that I had a hole that went all through the earth into China below, and when i went to China the people were very angry with me for digging up their land so they threw me into the ocean where a small fishermans boat picked me up, and i took the boat hostage and rode it back all the way to the original cabin where I began and...

 

[bakergeol]

After the Aunt Martha/Hank shouting match Hilbert had slipped into his car and fell fast asleep. He had a crazy dream about digging to China. He was awakened by Rupert his dog licking his face.

When he returned to Hank's cabin Aunt Martha was now sound asleep in the easy chair. Hilbert was now left alone with Hank- the cockeyed mad Arch Duke of Waterford. He said "Sonny would you like some shine"." Sure I said but my name is HILBERT if you don't mind". The cockeyed old man chuckled and quickly offered me a sip from his jug at his feet. "Don't worry" the old man said" It's not the poison Aunt Martha drinks". "That old woman is crazier than a s##thouse rat. She believes in ghosts and still believes Grandma Elsie was murdered instead of being run over by a Beer truck"

After a few swigs from the jug Hank laid back in his big chair and remained strangely quiet for several minutes. In a quiet tone he whispered" Yes a lot of evil, madness,blood and treasure comes with the Buford name". "Moonshining was the least of the Buford sins. Slavery-legal, white and black as well as piracy will forever be associated with that cursed name".

The old man continued his story. In a strange way Hilbert felt that he was hearing his confessions for the entire Buford family throughout the ages.

Hank went on "The worst was Buford the mad pirate who first settled here hundreds of years ago". Piracy, murder, rape were his calling cards" " Buried his treasure right on this property too"

Perhaps Hilbert had a little too much moonshine because he become rude and laughed out loud and said " Sure another treasure yarn- hear them all the time"

The old man smiled and went into the next room for a few minutes. He returned with aa ancient looking box which he quietly placed in Hilbert's lap. "Open it" commanded the old man. Hilbert gently opened the lid and gasped when he saw ..........

 

[Kentucky Kache]

...the map.

 

[Mona Lisa]

The map seemed very fragile...made from oilcloth. I very carefully unrolled it and this is what I saw. A hand-drawn sketch of Treasurenetville where I was standing right now....complete with the obligatory Pirate's X and, of course, the ever-present Treasurenetville sea serpent, named Netty.

 

[Gypsy Heart]

Please enjoy our soda ,popcorn,corn dogs and pickle on a stick......

 

[buscadero]

"Picked up this beauty from a guy named, Florida John." " Swore it was authentic!" It was either this one or another Map showing where Yamas*&$% buried his Gold!"

 

[Monty]

"I wouldn't touch that treasure", Hilbert said. "That land pirate relative of yours put a curse on it." "They say there's only one living relative that isn't cursed and no one knows where he or she is or if they are even alive now." "Well, what's your name Sonn...er ah..Hilbert", spoke the cockeyed old man? "Why it's Hilbert Drofub, why?" "Drofub, Huh"? "Ain't that kinda' a peculiar name, ya' lame brained whipper snapper?" "Do you think you came here by chance?", he drooled ,as he pulled a pure gold cross from beneath his shirt with the obvious engraving of Buford on it. "I got this from ...........

 

[Mona Lisa]

"my aunt Millie's uncle's brother's cousin's gardener's son-in-law's great great great grandmother's sister's best friend's step-niece's evil twin named Sarsaparilla Parilla. She was an evil evil woman....but she did make a great apple pie. For the map I paid her.........

 

[bakergeol]

and her husband John a considerable sum of money. I believe they both retired to Florida after they found a large cache of Japanese gold in the Philippines." They changed their name from Buford and sent me the cross and map wanting nothing to do with the treasure."
The old man continued " So I have looking for the only relative who is not cursed who could find the treasure with me". "Would you like some of Parilla's apple pie? Really quite good you know".

However Hilbert's thoughts were elsewhere as his gaze was transfixed on the gold cross in the cockeyed old man's hand. After a few minutes he spoke. "Drofub is not my original name. I never knew my real parents. I was adopted". Then slowly he pulled up a chain around his neck to reveal a similar gold cross. He said "This was found in my cradle when I was found abandoned as a baby". "My God" that means........

 

[Kentucky Kache]

We both stood there, scratching our heads...

 

[bakergeol]

After staring at each other for a long, Hilbert finally spoke " Do you think this is a hug situation?- After all my parents were descendants of the Buper Clan who believed in Gnitmoiv?" The old man snarled back at him "Remember you are a Buford now- Act like one". Hilbert sheepishly nodded his head and together they unrolled the Treasurenetville map in their quest for the treasure. After a few minutes Hilbert spoke" You know there is something funny about this map. It........"

 

[Spitfire Reddie]

.........is written in crayon and spaghetti sauce.......

 

[Monty]

..and it was so dang good, I ate the bottom half of it with a little garlic bread."One thing is for sure", Hilbert remarked, "I plum forgot what it was we were talking about!" "Yeah , me too","something about a cannibal land pirate named Burford a treasure map and an heir?" "I think." By the way Sonny...er uh..Hilbert, why don't your name have that extra R in it?" " My mama couldn't spell for didly I guess, and what is your name old man?" "My name is Peptic, Peptic Ulcer, but my friends call me Seth." " Why Seth?", Hilbert asked. "Wal it's better'n Bean Fart which is what my enemies call me." "Why would they call you Bean......BRAAAAP!! "Cough, cough, gasp, never mind, I'll just call you...........................

 

[Jeffro]

Late for dinner..... VERY late for dinner!

Meanwhile, back on the ranch....

 

[bakergeol]

Unfortunately, the cockeyed old man and Hilbert had consumed too much moonshine that evening. A full jug to be exact. They soon collapsed in a drunken stupor.

When they got up the next morning the cockeyed man was in a foul mood. He said " What the hell happened last night? Why am I naked and what is all this lipstick doing on my chest?" "Don't you remember anything Hilbert shyly asked? Hilbert continued " Well that treasure map proved so tasty with all that spaghetti sauce on it that we started snacking on it." "Well of course we soon realized that if the map was authentic we needed to make a duplicate before we consumed the whole map." " No paper was available and with Aunt Martha's lipstick we made a duplicate treasure map on your chest". The old man finally spoke " Well I guess that makes a lot of sense". "Still why am I completely nak-" Hilbert cut him off with the words "It's time to find that treasure".

So the morning was spent with Hilbert examining the treasure map on the cockeyed man's chest for treasure clues. Finally Hilbert spoke " I think I have found it" "Just above your belly button is an X next to a tree symbol." Do you have a large tree on your property? Hilbert asked. "Why yes" said the old man " There is an old oak out in the back yard."

So Hilbert ran back to his car to retrieve his detector and Hank went to get a good shovel. In no time Hilbert was in the backyard detecting under that large oak tree with Hank close at his heels. In no time Hilbert heard a large broad base signal. "I think this is it "Hilbert shouted. Despite his age the cockeyed old man dug like a demon with dirt flying everywhere. Finally they heard the familiar sound of metal striking a solid object. They both were quickly down of their hands and knees moving dirt out of the hole. They finally uncovered their prize. It was a .....