An original Treasure Net Story

[Noodle]

Just then, there was a knock at the door...

 

[River Rat]

"What the tarnation is going on here?"

Evil twin's son, Harraiser enters and slams the door...

 

[Noodle]

"Oh no you don't!" yelled Aunt Martha, raising her hands high above her head, aiming the held washpot at his head. "You may be the finest lookin' of the clan, but you ain't gettin' yor hands on my treasure!!"

With that, she let the washpot fly, and it struck Harraiser right between the eyes! Down he went, but only briefly. When he pushed himself upright on his feet again, his arms were a'swingin, his eyes were bulging (more than usual) and he .....

 

[Mona Lisa]

Wrapped his long orangutan-like arms around her and gave her a huge bear hug......and a big hairy wet kiss on her cheek....and said "You sure have a strange way of greeting a long lost relative." Then he said, "I've come with some good news and some bad news, Aunt Martha.(who really was Sarsaparilla in disguise....I think!?) Which do you want to hear first?"

 

[buscadero]

....the good news first, I think. "Guess what, Martha?" "I'm gettin' hitched next week to Monagypsylocks!" "Aren't you happy for me?"
" Of course, I am, Boy, Of course, I am!" "First,, Let me tell you the Facts of Life about our Kin! You know, there's 10-12,000 of our Kin 'round here, but only 3-4 Last Names! Doesn't that tell you sumpin, Boy? Jest take a gander at Cousin Z! That should tell ya sumpum'! Now,What's this about bad news?"......

 

[Monty]

"Tha' bad news, but first I gotta tell you, we have a love child, and he's a looker". "Why I was gonna tell you we had another love child and she's a hooker, "Harraiser said. Martha slapped her forehead and looked at the cockeyed old man accusingly, " I told you that wasn't gas, you old coot"! The old man hung his head and gestured to Hilbert,"Son, it's time you met your sister, she's.....................

 

[Mona Lisa]

"She's Harraiser's girlfriend, the lovely and beautiful Monagypsylocks. Here's her picture. " the old man said. "Sadly you don't have her good looks, Hilbert."

Anyways....let's get back to that treasure...........

 

[buscadero]

....."Well All!, I hate to be a party pooper, but we got a Treasure to find," the old man cackled."Last one to the Oak tree is a...."

 

[Kentucky Kache]

...rotten rooster egg

 

[bakergeol]

So all of the gang met at the old oak tree ready to dig the treasure. Aunt Martha(AKA aunt Sarsaparilla) took charge. "OK" she said " I will do all of the video taping for TN. Hilbert will do the detecting just as before". " The cockeyed old man just as before will do the digging". Aunt Martha also added " Is is best that Harraiser and cousin Z not be the videotape." " Why not demanded cousin Z?" " Well in case you haven't noticed cousin Z- you are still naked"."Oh I forgot" said cousin Z . Aunt Martha continued " As we are not filming a segment of "Wild Kingdom" Harraiser is out too".

So as before Hilbert slowly detected around the NORTH side of the oak tree. Quickly he became excited as he hit another deep broad based signal. As before the cockeyed old man started digging furiously. Again the sound of the shovel striking a solid object was heard.

Suddenly everyone froze as they heard the sound of a pistol being cocked. They all turned around to see Harraiser with a cocked 45 in his hand. "What are you doing" cried cousin Z. "Put that pistol down- you are starting to scare me" said Aunt Martha. "Look Harraiser you will receive an equal share just like the us" said Hilbert. "No need for violence" said Hank " We will all be rich".

"No" said Harraiser. "You think I am doing this for the money" "Ha"- he laughed. Hell I invested all that money I made as an actor in all of those "Planet of the Ape" movies and became rich. Harraiser continued " But just what will happen when I post this treasure in the "Best Finds" section of TN" " That right- probably 40000 views and 1000 replies congratulating me on MY incredible find"." The Western and Eastern magazine folks will be calling me every day begging me for a photo op"."That's right fame and glory will be mine, mine, mine"

Suddenly a shot rang out and ....

 

[stoney56]

just misses cousin Z, he staggers forward falling into Harraiser and screaming "Get your hands off me you damm dirty Democrat!" upon which......

 

[Monty]

...... time Harraiser pushes Z aside and looks at his pistol with a look of dismay. "Dang, how did I miss at that range he cried!" "Why it's one of those guns with the backward trigger you dang fool", the old man exclaimed! Slowly Harraiser slumped to the ground with a neat black hole in the middle of his forehead....a hole that isn't supposed to be there we would hope? It was hard to tell with all his scruffy good looks. Martha screamed, the lovely Mrs. Harraiser had an attack of violent flatulance and Hilbert scooped up the gun being careful to hold it backwards so it pointed at the motley treasure diggers. "Get back all of you lunatics," Hilbert shouted! All I wanted was to do a little coin shooting and now I am involved with a murder, my car got towed off and....."Suiside," a voice from the group offered......"Well, whatever." Hilbert grimaced with a tear running down his cheek. "Don't be a crybaby," Harraiser said from the ground! "Shut up, you're dead," Hilbert screamed, about to loose control of his bladder! "Oh yeah, I forgot", Harraiser said with a sigh and a last spasm in the throes of death! Suddenly a bolt of lightening and a thunderous crash erupted from the sky.......

 

[River Rat]

"Voodoo, voodoo...chicken doo doo". Rise from the dead...Yoo, Yoo".

Harraiser slowly crawls to his knees and lifts his beastly body from the ground...

 

[Noodle]

Suddenly a bolt out of the sky struck the oak tree they were all standing under (north side) and split the thang right down the middle, with the largest side (that would be the north) headed straight for the hole they'd just dug. "Dang!!! That was close," said Harraiser, now breathing once again on his own. The sky lit up bright as day as the tree continued to fall in different directions. "My Treasure!!! My Treasure!!" yelled Aunt Martha, just before...

 

[Gypsy Heart]

....Vice President Cheney.......

 

[Mental Granny]

at this point Z grabbed his chest and asked why did you have to remind me.

 

[buscadero]

..."Quick, Get that gun away from him", everyone yelled in unison! "You know Cheney & Guns?"

Suddenly, Z/Cheney was on his feet & racing towards the new split in the north side of the tree. Yelling incoherently something about, "It belongs to Hallib....", he leaped & landed right........

 

[Mental Granny]

landed right in the caboose that had stopped over the hole that Hlbert had dug, he rolled out the other side and yelled.......

 

[bakergeol]

"I love Bush too" before being tackled to the ground.

Aunt Martha took stock of the situation. "What a train wreck this treasure hunt has become!" she exclaimed. "What a mess" she continued "Tree limbs and wood splinters everywhere", "A caboose over the treasure hole". "We have the Vice President of the United States(cousin Z) running around naked on the property". "To make matters worse we now have a Zombie/Harraiser to contend with." "Have any of the men considered that a Zombie eats human flesh". "Nooo..they haven't" said Aunt Martha. "Men- always creating the messes we womenfolk have to clean up".

So Aunt Martha again took command of the ragtag group of treasure hunters. She barked out orders left and right. "First dig out some more dirt so we can expand the treasure hole beneath the Caboose" "Tie up Cheney/Cousin Z- If he wants to give his share to Halliburton OK but the rest is ours . With his heart condition he is worthless anyway"

So Hilbert and the cockeyed old man started digging for the treasure. " This is a funny treasure chest" remarked Hilbert. " It appears to be flat". " Keep digging" ordered Aunt Martha. Soon Hilbert and the cockeyed old man uncovered a pair of iron uprights on the metal chest. Hilbert asked " What the heck are those". After a few seconds the cockeyed old man spoke " This is not a treasure chest- This is a door!" "We need some help down here". So the Zombie quickly jumped down to aid his companions. Hilbert spoke " Quit gnawing on my leg Harraiser/Zombie we have a treasure to find". So the three of the slowly lifted the old iron door upward. It gave a ghastly creaking sound and it almost sounded like they were opening an old tomb.

When they had lifted the old door upright they looked down and saw only darkness. " It's a secret room" cried Aunt Martha. " A treasure room". "Quick"she ordered "Someone get a couple of flashlights". So the Zombie scurried back to the cabin and came back with the precious items in a few seconds. Three flashlights were quickly trained on the black hole. Hilbert was the first to speak " I see a stairs leading to the bottom". Indeed as their eyes adjusted to the light they could stairs which had been hand chiseled in solid bedrock countless centuries before.

" I see something else at the bottom of the stairs" said Hilbert. "I see it too" cried the old man. " " It looks like ......

 

[Kentucky Kache]

...a large copper pot...