I suppose it's okay to ask questions sometimes... lol, it's all in good fun
But, yeah, nothing like that exists, and it's a GOOD THING. Manpower is what makes CRH possible, if it was automated, the sorting facilities would be nabbing stuff and CRH would be dead.
Five minutes on YouTube would also show that even the most expensive metal detectors still think pop tabs could be coinage.
In addition to the above, I can suggest that you can sound check for silver. Not the best thing to do to a coin of numismatic value, but clank them together, or throw them in a bucket... you'll hear the ping. That's just silver though, you'll miss non-silver proofs and errors.
Maybe buy yourself a large hands-free magnifier, or headband.. and put yourself in good light (direct sunlight, high compact florescent or halogen)