This has been the funniest thread I've read in a very long while! I'm from Canada and the temperatures you guys are bringing batteries into the house, starting vehicles at night...etc. Whoo boy!
Here's how to survive cold weather and vehicles:
1. Understand that winter brings cold weather and plan ahead.
2. Get your car "winterized" have the antifreeze adjusted to whatever you need for your region mine is good to -45C, get multi viscosity oil 5W-30 comes to mind and is actually ok year round, have the battery load tested...if it fails get a new one.
3. If your vehicle doesn't have a block heater, have one installed. They have magnetic ones that you can crawl under and stick on the oil pan but climbing around under a vehicle in those temps doesn't sound like fun to me.k
4. It's a myth that warming your battery helps, trust me I used to sell batteries. A trickle charger will keep a battery charged up overnight if it's on the weak side. Clean battery cables ensure proper charging. If your cable is green and crusty even into the rubber coating....replace it.
5. Plug in your car overnight and it'll start in the morning!